precious

I think your mummy was really nice & sweet for sending those text msgs to me. But you are so much sweeter for slipping an entire packet of gummybears secretly into my bag & I love you so for many other reasons & for being the person you truly are (:

fragility at its peak

How do I tell someone about the whole thing and not make them worry or bother them? This is just not a good time for my body to fail on me because I`ve got responsibilities to fulfil and there are people who need me & I need & want to be there for them. People I need to be strong for. People I love. Dear God, please answer my prayers :'(



I`m all the way down in the doldrums.

& God, I hope it`s not too late

Lost - Michael Buble

& this song tugged my heartstings because he sings with such compassion. It`s the moments when I feel like hope dangles on a string or when I`m about to be pushed off the edge of the cliff, when I wish that God would just put an end to all these pain, that I realise that I`m able to endure a little more.

My time away from him has made me look at things objectively and realised what I actually used to have, what I always took for granted. His unconditional love.


Above all, I hope it`s not too late. Yes, we shall all survive on a diet of hope again. I could make use of some good sleep right now because I have been awake for the past 32 hours. School. Jalan raya. Meeting Nazir. Project. All in the past 32 hours. Right nw, I just want to sleep & I hope my grandfather`s okaye.

for you i bleed myself dry

& it is with all my heart that I give you my unconditional love.

of full faced helmets

and bikes.

I wish you were here tonight. & if only you knew how I want to pick you from my dreams and embrace you for real.

God, will You let him know that I still love him so? There are moments when I love him so much that my chest tightens and I can hardly breathe. & other times when I feel so alone without him that my chest tightens and my heart bleeds. Just close his eyes and let him know that my heart is beating in tandem with his.


And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

- Kahlil Gibran

enlighten me

Why is it that when I say 'have a nice day' to people and mean it, they look at me like I`m a freak and ask if I`m ok? Well I hope everyone will have a nice day & I don`t know what but I hope something unexpected will happen to me today. I could make use of some good news or something just very different.



where`dyougo?imissyouso.









& I think you guys should so listen to this song. The tempo`s a lil weird, not your usual kinda songs. The chorus is really cute. I still think it`s a great track. I totally fell in love with Jason Mraz`s crooning. & he sounds so much better live.


And it takes no time to fall in love

but it takes you years to know what love is

and it takes some fears to make you trust

it takes those tears to make it rust

it takes the dust to have it polished (Yeah)


ha la la la la la la life is wonderful

ah la la la la la la life goes full circle

ah la la la la la la life is wonderful

ah la la la it is so (and it’s so)

It takes some silence to make sound

and it takes a loss before you found it

and it takes a road to go nowhere

it takes a toll to make you care

it takes a hole to make a mountain.

look at the stars, look how they shine for you

After school was whacked. Caffeine overdose. Great company. Just 3 of us and some strays down the block. Random. My purging days are back. Anyway, I like talking to an adult. ADULT. Thank you and see you.

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

And don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

This song somehow makes me wanna fly. & Fit? You know that OTHER thing you`re worried about? Don`t worry about it. It`s okaye, really.

someone please push me down

http://yatanokagami.deviantart.com/art/Crying-11354482

I think waiting kills everyone. You don`t know what to hope for anymore. You know the issue has got to be resolved quickly and not be prolonged. You`ve been surviving on a diet of hope for the longest time that it`s beginning to eat you up inside & you die a little more each day, no matter how much you tell yourself to remain optimistic. You wait & you wait, because you know it IS worth waiting for. You just know it. You want to end the pain & worry for the other person because you know you`ve hurt him way too much and at the same time, you just wish everything painful would stop. But when the moment of truth is out, it either makes you a really happy person or it breaks you. When it makes you, you see everything in the world in all shades or hues of colours. When it breaks you, you lose yourself, you slip away, you breakdown easily & your heart is so cracked that you start to see cracks in everything as well, even in the things you enjoyed doing or in the people you love.

I have meant everything I`ve said and expected too much in what I`ve heard, in what I`m not even sure of the outcome yet. & that`s why it`s killing me. It`s always a case of 'too much' for me. I`ll sleep on it again tonight & give our hearts one more chance to change our minds. Hanging on, holding on. Sometimes when it gets so tough, I just wished my heart would cease beating. But I also remind myself that that`s not gonna make my loved ones happy. I musn`t be egocentric & tactless.

i yearn

for quiet conversations in the dark. Today just feels like one of the many depressing days I`ve been experiencing. & today also feels like one of my crappy days, those days when I look at myself in the mirror and HATE everything I see. My eyes, my face, my hair. There`s always something wrong. But today also feels like one of those days I feel like putting extra effort to dress up(i`ll still be in my slippers) and put more makeup on my face, pull my hair back and tie it up in a ponytail & let the world look at my cheekbones, jaw and the back of my neck instead of letting it down and have my fringe cover my eyes like always, as if I`m hiding my sad eyes from everyone. I wanna be vulnerable today. I want to let everyone into my world.

But today, I ALSO wanna look at the world in a happier brighter more cheerful kinda manner today. I wanna smile at everyone I see. I wanna compliment people today and tell them how beautiful I think they are. I wanna give hugs to Jac, Raq, Sann, Bi Ru, Chantel, Nuraini & Kai. I`m not gonna tease Raqie, Hong Liang & Kelvin. I will pay attention in class though I loathe the Biz Comm lecturer. & I`m gonna do all that. If the day`s gonna be crappy, I might as well do something to my appearance today & make myself happy when I look at my own reflection. It`s not only about the physical. & the day will be crappy only coz I allow it to.

I don`t like 'we`ll see's. & I don`t like how HOPE ALWAYS DANGLES ON A STRING :( & I want to meet you tonight but you`ll never know. I want to sit by your side & be thankful that you`re so near though I can`t touch you, I can`t kiss you. I want to bite my tongue & hold back my tears. I want to tell you how difficult my days have been, how I`ve realised it too late that you`ve always been there, to care and love me. & what I`d give to redeem myself again to hold you again. To love you again. To tell you that there can never be another person who loves you the way I do. To tell you that sometimes the person who hurts you is the very same person who can heal you. I want to be led into your heart again because that`s the only place I can be myself & not be judged, the only place where there`s comfort and solace.

There is a certain freedom in being completely screwed, because I know things just can`t get any worse. But I also know that with each new thing that screws me up, I have difficulties coping.

I think I`ve become a really forlorn person and my eyes tell everything.

i am so retarded

Someone please shoot me. I`ve developed some weird habit like looking at people and seeing animal faces on them. Right now i think alot of people look like mice and rats. Everyone, please squeak, thank you very much.

your crazy kitten smile

It triggered everything and I was on the verge of breaking down at 6 in the morning (!!!!) so I told him to sleep. I know that for the longest time, I`ve always included him in my future plans. All sorts of my future plans. He`s always there in them because I just know he should. & I don`t intend to remove him from them because they seem incomplete if I do. & there`s NO other better person who`ll ever fit in them nicely but him.

Random.

"Without me, you would become an eskimo hunting for peacocks to survive."

In ALL honesty, I am NOT hunting for peacocks now. But I might start soon enough. How I miss EVERYTHING.

I remember the way that you move

You`re dancin easily through my dreams

It's hittin me harder and harder with all your smiles

You are crazy gentle in the way you kiss

All i see is your face

All i need is your touch

Wake me up with your lips

Come at me from up above

I think I need gummybears now. I`m so random today because I called my fav girl at 6.58am to wake her up for school & got a scolding in return because her lessons are at 1pm. HAHAHA.

pools of sorrow, waves of joy

I have often heard people say that the thing you want appears when you least expect it, after you have totally given up hope. But, deep in my heart, I can sense that I have not really given up hope, which makes me wonder if my allowing hope to live is what is clogging up the plumbing.

On one hand, I think that maybe if I start to admit that 'Yes, I am in the Hole. I have finally given up hope,' then that very admission will speed up the process of healing. But on the other hand, I worry that the very act of forcing myself to prematurely give up hope in the name of speeding things up is in fact an act of hope. Either way I`m like so screwed.







2 assignments down one more to go. ONE MORE ONE MORE ONE MORE.

& to my two favourite girls, I`m sorry, I didn`t mean to make you both cry with my letters. Did you know how I had to rummage my drawer to find your home addresses in my old notebook? HAHAHA. Anyway, in this age of technology, I`m sure it feels good to receive a hand-written letter by post, right?! HAHA.

ANYWAY, here`s to the moments where we didn`t think about right and wrong, where we just lived, crossed our fingers & hoped for the best. Our lives have taken us in so many different directions since we first became friends, & yet our friendship has remained a lasting bond that keeps us from drifting too far apart. We`ve been there for each other in good times and bad, with support and sympathy, laughter and love. As I think about our friendship, I realize it is one of the things I cherish most about my life. & today, I just wanted to be sure you both knew it too (:

It is with all my heart that I send you both my love, hoping that you`ll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.

iiiii neeeed sleeeeeeeep

I am so going crosseyed now. Lack of sleep is driving me nuts. I ALMOST missed my stop at Toa Payoh on the way to school. It seriously is troublesome if I had really missed it, like the other time. & I was asleep from PIE to Simei on the way home. So yes, you can imagine how lethargic I was. In class, I was physically there but not mentally. Half the class wasn`t present anyway. And right now, I`m still working on my Fin Acc project. I just hate Excel, really.

Stresed up, but I`ve been breathing. Haha. HAPPY 11TH TO THE PRINCE OF MY HEART. I can`t wait to bring him out for a birthday treat at Fish & Co and Swensens later. Mmhm, just him & his favourite sister. Yes, and he`s getting that FIFA 08 game from me. I smothered him with kisses like always earlier on & for the first time, he complained.

Handsome one, please do not grow up so fast. It feels like yesterday when I fell asleep by your side with that bottle of milk in your nose. HAHA (: And I know that in many years to come, you`ll have no lack of suitors & all your girlfriends will leave because you have such a protective sister. HAHA. & study hard or I`ll throw all your soccer balls away.

how about being in denial about positivity?

It`s long MSN conversation number what I dunno. But all I know is it helps to save the entire convo, coz when I re-read them, I realise alot of things. The kinda things you don`t see at that very moment. & the kinda things that become lessons to me. I AM SLEEPY AND I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL. AND I DISLIKE HANGING CONVERSATIONS.

crossroads

Because that's not what people want to hear. They want to hear that it's going to be okay. That the pain goes away, but it doesn't. It never does. And you can't say that when the wound is fresh. It would be like pouring salt into their wound and you can't do that to a person.

After something like that, well, even though you try to get through it, and might seem fine on the surface, underneath you're a wreck, and you don't even know it. And sometimes it takes awhile to figure out that you're still struggling with everything that happened.

............

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I finally found out where I got my mother of all stubborn-ness genes from. My maternal grandfather hahahaha. The kind of stubborn which makes people angry.

seriously

i don`t get it why unknown people are sending me LONG well-wishes but the one that was supposed to matter only said one line. i remember something i came across when i was in it. & it breaks my heart now because i matter more than her but. . .can i just cry now, really?

no hero in her sky

I know the time is ungodly. I just can`t sleep though I have to be up by 0800. Anyway, I blasted Damien Rice`s The Blower`s Daughter into my ears, with headphones of course. Closed my eyes & somehow the song just stirred all the emotions in me. It was a good 4:48.

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind... My mind...my mind...
Til I find somebody else

On another note, I`m not excited to turn 19 tomorrow.

meow

Okaye I gotta go get ready like really soon to go to airport to mug but I just have to say this. I SAW SERENDIPITY AT THE BUS STOP ON MY WAY HOME!! YES, MY FAVOURITE BLACK STRAY!!! & SERENDIPITY ISN`T A GAY NAME FOR A MALE CAT. & you know something? One of these days, I`m so gonna get caught for being a litter bug. HAHA.

I need to find a female stray & call her AURORA :D

melts my heart

Yes okaye, this is entry # i don`t know what for today. Am in the school lab now & yes we are supposed to be doing work, but heck. Aaaannnyyyywaaay, this morning, I spent $65 on. . . cat food. Yes, all brands of cat food. Then I went downstairs to feed the strays & I can`t describe the feelings I experienced watching them eat. I don`t know. Some kinda solace. I can talk to cats. Ha.

Well, as a result, I was late so had to cab down to school. HAHA. I think I already have a favourite stray. I`ll see him again tomorrow (: & in the meantime, I`ll pray my mum doesn`t hit the roof IF she ever finds out. HAHA.

stones & rocks

About a year or two. I have two stinking years. Or maybe one. I have a feeling it`s less than one. Very well, when that happens, there`ll be a tsunami. & I`ll probably turn blind & be the most bitter person on Earth. So bitter that all 4938430284982348384 lemons in the world can`t make me sour. Right now, i`m just experiencing flash floods or something. Can I just kidnap him & stuff him under my blanket?

Many things were said, were exchanged. Time to stop & smell the roses. Okaye no. Time to do the necessary. The capital c. C for _____. When you receive the SAME comment from two DIFFERENT people in ONE night, something IS wrong. Do something already, Fit.

because

it makes me smile even if it hurts.

omg pls no

SERIOUSLY WTF IS WRONG WITH MY MSN??!!!!!!! I AM SO DEAD IF I REALLY LOSE ALL MY CONTACTS.

this isn`t what you think it is

Too early to say anything. I`m shy, didn`t you know? It was a last minute thing. So I thought, why not? I need this, don`t I? Besides, it`s harmless. What could go wrong, really? I see it as old friends catching up. Old lovers catching up. Nazir would be so happy for me if he knows about this.

Anyway, see you later. Waffles & ice cream & me & you can never go wrong. Like the old times. & thank you for ditching the bike. I`m not mentally & physically ready for rides just yet.









OKAYE so that was ME at 0945 on 16 October. & now at 1140 on 16 October, I`m contemplating. I know I should go but I don`t know if I really WANT to go. It`s either the date OR a last minute date with Raq & Sann to help them with the Stats assignment. You see, it`s both last minute.

If there`s one thing I can`t stand about myself, it`s my fickleness. Indecisive is like my middle name or something. Nurul Indecisive Fitriyanna.

Okaye I have like 3 hours to come to a decision. I have 3 hours to turn into Nurul Decisive Fitriyanna. You are such.an.idiot, Fit. Haha.

Actually I already know what I wanna do. I don`t need 3 hours. But just in case. & wth really, my MSN`s like darn screwed and I don`t know whatever happened to my contacts.

dragon

Think 9384938493473749837897397459375983 times before I do it. I`m putting my stamina at risk. No Fit no.

& like seriously, the guys sending me Friendster messages should so chop their balls off.

every piercing breathing moment

Sometimes, I close my eyes and I can still feel his arms wrapped around me and his lips pressed against mine. I can feel the warmth of his skin and his words seem to linger through my ears. I just wish he`d know that I still love him. I never did stop.

defence is paper thin

Too deep now to ever swim against the current, so let me slip away.

etched

I can`t believe what happened. I should have backed off when he revved up the bike. What the fuck was I thinking? And I seriously can`t get over that feeling when I was being dragged by the damn bike. HURTS LIKE FUCK is an understatement. The kind of pain which would make you flinch each time you think of it & the kind of pain you`d carry with you for the rest of your life, I swear.

My heart dropped to the ground & all I felt like yelling at that point of time was GODDAMMIT U SHLD HAVE JUST HIT ME & KILL ME. & RUN OVER MY FUCKING BODY AS MANY TIMES AS U WANT. 7 fresh wounds and a bloody pair of torn jeans. The pain is keeping me awake. Now these wounds would heal and leave scars, I don`t care. But the wounds in that damn thing protected by the ribcage would not heal at all. It truly IS the point of no return. I`m gonna settle the necessary stuff & move on like how he wants me to. So I`ve heard those 5 words being said straight in my face. I AM NOT TURNING BACK AND LET ME DEAL WITH MY OWN FUCKED UP EMOTIONS. I can`t hurt him anymore & neither can he. We are equal like that. He wants me to hate and I must applaud him for he`s doing a good job.


DON`T YOU EVER FUCKING CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE. I`ve made my mistakes & I`ll deal with the consequences of losing you, losing everything. I don`t know the beast that you`ve become. I don`t know you at all. I FUCKING DON`T KNOW YOU. I FUCKING DON`T. I. FUCKING. DON`T.

why should it take a revolution just for you to talk to me?

The way the conversation went, it just tells me he doesn`t anymore. & I know how bad I am at starting a conversation without being lame. Convince yourself already, Fit. Truth, as we all know, hurts. You are just not the one for him anymore.



Echoes and silence, patience and grace

All of these moments I'll never replace

Fear of my heart, absence of faith

All I want is to be home

heart.

Good morning. Well today`s gonna be a long, long day. Project at 12. School at 2. And then out with friends. Let`s hope today will be better. I don`t know why he`s online this early. Anyway, I feel like ditching my contact lenses for good & just wear specs. My eyes are getting so sensitive these days. And i`m so bloody random. Ha.



I hate this longing.

after hours

i can`t wait to go out after school today. really. being surrounded by people and friends are what i need. and a gentle reminder to self, just don`t do it.

what you said when you left, just left me cold and out of breath

It`s when I`m standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream to the whole room that I`m still in love with you. It`s when I`m sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up, that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. Then I could just call you to tell you goodnight baby i love you.

It`s when I am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you`re the only one who really knew me at all. It`s when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It`s when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.

We`ve already missed out on so many things in each other`s lives. So why are we letting each other miss even more?

I just wanna bury my fucking face in my fucking hands now. I hate how my heart falls each time I get phone calls at night from everyone else but him. God knows how much I`m trying not to think about this but it is CONSTANTLY on my mind, EVERY SINGLE WAKING MOMENT. It`s insane. All these sleeping with my handphone every single night, hugging my pillow, soaking it with tears. Just how can I not think about him? & the term 'loml togicel' means EVERYTHING to me.

fragility

I know myself better, that`s why I deleted that dumb 5am entry. Like who the hell am I kidding, really?

More than angry words, I hate this silence. It`s getting so loud & deafening.

& I dreamt that we stayed out till 0130 to buy DVDs in Bedok & I was being piggybacked by him all the way home. Ha.

Okaye you know something? I`m still at a HUGE loss as to what lies ahead. Okaye & just to console myself, I am sure we are all lost.

DOES IT EVEN MATTER? I get insane when that question plagues my mind. GIVE ME A SIGN ALREADY, God. Any sign. I don`t know, make me receive an unexpected phone call from him or a knock on the door or read a banner which says 'start moving on today' or watch an ad on the bus which says 'you are his loml togicel'..wad the hell. I DON`T KNOW WHAT. JUST ANYYYYY SIIIIIIIGN. Enlighten me already.

As much as I feel sad, I think it's the not knowing that really bothers me.

like faith and joy and peace and hope & harmony

I love how this song hits me right in my tummy.

Anyway, my 11-year old brother sat in front of me while I was doing my tutorial. I was wondering why he was gazing at me, with his chin resting on his palms on the table. It was as if he`s never seen me before.

Faiz: Are you still with Nazir?
Me: No. why?
Faiz: I want to jodohkan you.

Me: What. with who???
Faiz: With budak slenge bawah block. Nak tak?
Me: Go away la. HAHA.

He loves his favourite sister too much & is worried she`ll be a 40-year old virgin. Lol.

because I`m not that bitter,

I shan`t do it (: Congrats, Fit. But please get ur cute ass in school tomorrow. It`s been 2 days.

....

i hate how the dick-less motherfucking guys on Friendster are bothering me with messages on my private profile AGAIN just coz my status is 'single' now. urgh.

all said and done

Forget Thursday. Forget 19th October.

This will take me a long, long time. & the rain isn`t helping AT ALL. So now I`ll go sort things out on my own.

beautiful disaster

I hate how pissed & upset I am over this entire issue yet at the same time I just want him to hold me close & wipe these stupid tears away. & we`ll yell at each other for being so foolish & then we`ll apologise sincerely & we`ll make out like there`s no tomorrow. I don`t know how he drives me this manic emotionally AND physically. & I hate how my heart has turned so cold and how it keeps denying his existence already yet at the same time it is crying out for love & affection from him again. Something tells me I`ll hate my 19th and the week before my 19th, which is this week and the week of my 19th, which is next week. & something else tells me to stop hating. Because I don`t really hate. & he`s a habit I can`t kick.

Stupid. I wish he`d return soon. I don`t know when but just do it SOMEDAY.

[edit] yes Sann, i want my phone to ring unexpectedly today too.

Still, they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom, but how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.

In the hospital, we see addiction every day. It's shocking how many kinds of addiction exist. It would be too easy if it were just drugs and booze and cigarettes. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive, compulsive, out of control. It's the high we're chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away.-
Meredith Grey, Grey`s Anatomy

last

Nothing feels as good as seeing the both of you happy again. I didn`t do anything (: I guess things were just meant to be this way. I`d love to believe it`s all the blessings of Ramadan, which make us emotionally stronger people & the blessings of the upcoming Syawal, which bring people together. Well can`t wait to see you monsters later!

You know, it`s true that people can only say or advise u so much but what`s of utmost importance is the 2 people in the relationship themselves. Because people, be it friends or family, don`t exactly know what`s been going on in that very relationship. & even if they do, they don`t experience the EXACT feelings. You know others can say things which make you change your perception of the one you love. You can run away, develop hatred but at the end of the day, as cliche as it sounds,if it`s meant to be, then your paths will cross again somehow.

If there`s one thing that both of you have taught me(whether you realise this or not), it is that if I am going to listen with a critical and judgemental attitude, I end up not listening objectively.

On another note, hope dangles on a string. October hasn`t been nice to you, has it, Fit? Que sera sera. Perhaps I have already. ...nvm. Does it even matter? Sigh.

wheeee

Today will be the VERY first time I enter JB ON MY OWN by public transport. HAHA. Well that`s because the entire family will leave soon to settle some stuff there & they can`t wait for me to end school at 5pm coz there`s just TOO many things to be done and there would be insufficient time. And I`m not even certain WHERE to meet when I`ve arrived.

Soooo that means I have to board 170 from from the school bus stop & alight at God knows where in JB. & i have to clear the immigration on my own. mmmmmmm. Anyone who wants to like send me to Woodlands and save me from the hassle of being stuck in 170 with horny mat malaysia and malaysia ah bengs or what can SMS me okaye? HAHAHA. You know Malaysian Mats will ALWAYS ogle at girls like they`ve NEVER seen anyone with boobs before. Wth.

Actually, as excited as I sound, I`m pretty scared. Ha. Like what if I`m lost? Then I have to stay in JB and sell kuih for the rest of my life? Or what if I`m being abducted? HAAAAAA. how how how? Okaye if I`m lost, there`s always the hp with auto roam. So if I`m abducted then you people just read the newspaper la!

HAHA. Okaye, retarded. Well, i`ll fill you in on my so-called adventure when I return! Have a nice weekend, all! (: AIYA AND PLS LA, LET THERE BE NO TRAFFIC JAM. TO BE STUCK IN 170 IN A TRAFFIC JAM IS JUST DAMN SAD OKAYE.










patiencegoesalongway.

mum i STILL don`t wanna be an accountant

Right now, as of 0010 on 6 October 2007, NOTHING feels as good as ALMOST completing 25 Financial Accounting questions for the past 4 hours and getting 23 right answers. Eventhough I felt like chasing my sister round the house with a slipper in hand coz she taught me a wrong concept when I was already fussing so much abt nt being able to balance the debit & credit sides. OKAYE NVM. I`ve even completed the tutorial for Lec 3. I love how inhumane heartbreaks & disappointment make me have a manic desire to just bury my face in the books. I`ll mug till I can`t concentrate anymore. & then I`ll go to sleep & I know I`ll sleep WELL because there`s just NO space left for ANYTHING.

Accounting & me, we now have an infatuation. Still too early to say anything ;)

my dad, my bestfriend

I`ve never seen him so weak, and it really broke my heart. I couldn`t bear the sight of him shivering in pain, all curled up under the blanket. I went over and kissed his warm forehead, holding back my tears real bad. I watched him sleep for what seemed like forever and it really, really pained me. It hit me real hard because for the longest time, I`ve always been the closest to him among all my siblings. I recited a prayer. Then I trudged to my room & succumbed to tears. Only God knows how I felt.

stop & smell the roses

Okaye, here I am. Sch has commenced and I feel the stress already. I know, it`s been 2 days ONLY. Projects are due pretty soon, some in 2 weeks. I totally suck at Fin. Acc. so I`ve gotta work extra, extra hard. And I can`t believe we actually have to SUBMIT our tutorials for Biz Comm. Last sem was pretty much a holiday for me but I`ve gotta pull my socks up now. I`ll be doomed if I don`t get my As and Bs. And time management`s really essential because we ONLY have mornings & after 5pm to complete the projects. I foresee bickers with my loved ones and myself becoming more brash. BUT everything will be fine as long as there`s accommodation & compromise. And I`ve gotta learn to think of others before self. I`m really thankful that my parents are always behind me and I know Nazir`s patience might wear off slightly but I know he`s such a sweetheart & I can always rely on him. I really have to start shifting my priorities again.

Oh things are gonna be so so so tough. I`m adamant not to breakdown because what doesn`t kill me only makes me stronger. 6 weeks, Fit. 6 weeks. If this isn`t stressful, it isn`t called studies. Now, be good & smile.

Stop and stare

I think I'm moving but I go nowhere

Yeah I know that everyone gets scared

But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare

You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there

And you'd give anything to get what's fair

But fair ain't what you really need

Oh, can you see what I see?