that Bloody Mary`s dripping in Tabasco

The definition of sex? ARCTIC MONKEYS. I`m going insane already, please. They are orgasmic. Their latest album, Favourite Worst Nightmare, is just heavenly.

Okaye I`m off to munch on cookies & plug into the entire album. I`m ready for MULTIPLE OREARGASMS.

This is one of the perfect yet lazy Sundays for me. Armed with a good book & my trusted mp3, I`m feeling happy already, satisfying my doses of Arctic Monkeys, The Good, the Bad & the Queen, Modest Mouse, Bright Eyes, Bloc Party & all the good sounds I appreciate.

This is good. Mmmm. I`m a goofy goober. Gonna be happier when he wakes up later (:

Look! I wanna play Play-Doh. So fun. HAHA. I vaguely recall playing with them, epecially the McDonalds set, when I was a Little Fit & how I loved smelling them, for idk what reason & I always had the urge to chew on them. HAHA.

HAHAHA. AGES 3+. I wasn`t kidding when I said my childish streak has been unleashed lately :DDDDDD

awake & unafraid

I know i won`t sleep tonight. & I promise I won`t complain if my hp vibrates insanely under my head. I can`t quite believe myself these days. I don`t really sulk. But currently, I`m sulking AND pouting. I can`t help it. So dear God, please wake him up from his sleep.

you have a way with me

I was walking home from Eastpoint just now & as usual, I had to pass this 'pond' on my way. It`s not exactly a pond coz there`s no water in it. But it`s large & deep, to get in it, you have to climb down a few steps. There are low trees & large bricks in it. Do u get what I mean anot? Okaye, nvm. Refer to the diagram below. PLEASE PARDON MY DRAWING. I`ve been failing ART since forever. HAHAHA.



Do u get what I mean? Or are you MORE confused? HAHAHA. The tall stuff are supposed to be trees & those squarish thingamajigs are the square bricks & the 'pond' is round & round coz those are the steps! (:

Okaye nvm about that. Point is, that 'pond' gets really flooded when it rains. So just now I was happily walking & munching on sushi when I saw 2 boys who were in it, happily splashing accumulated rain water & MUD at each other. SOMETHING in my head told me to just GET IN & JOIN THEM. HAHAHAHA. but obviously, I didn`t. I almost couldn`t resist the urge, though. HAHA. & besides, I don`t know those 2 boys, they`d prolly freak out or something. HAHA.

Subconciously, I thought about nazir & how i`d love to be in there with him. SO FUN, please. HAHAHA. I don`t care if you people think it`s childish but I know we`ll have the time of our lives. HAHAHA. I don`t know HOW or WHAT happens, but he has this uncanny ability to bring out the child in me. HAHAHA. I`ve been very childish lately. Yesterday was playgrounds & we somehow ALWAYS ended up NEAR playgrounds, & today me & the pond. HAHAHAHAHA. I can spend my life like this. HAHAHA.

It would have been soooo fun to have a mudfight just now. I WANT! (:

you have a way with me

I feel colourful today.

kicap & apples

HAHAHA. typical. standard. classic.

Sometimes I think she brings out the real me best.

Me: Shah, I think I miss him already.

Aish(A) : Eh what did you just say?

Me: I said I miss him.

A: YOU MISS HIM?! For the past 3 years, i can count the number of times you say you miss me ah. One hand enough. & I know alot of people tag your blog to say they miss you. But if you read closely, all these people confirm sad because they will NEVER see ur 'i miss you too' reply.

Me: hahahahahaha. how u know?

A: How I know? Of course I know. 3 years of hell.

Me: KIWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK. Member ouch. HAHAHAHA.

So, the point of this very annoying convo is that I`m beginning to tell people I miss them already. HAHAHAHAHAHA. It doesn`t hurt to tell, after all. HAHAHA. I`ve always felt saying I MISS YOU is like soooo over-rated. I shall begin saying that now, but only when I mean it, okaye? HAHAHAHA.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. I feel like asking aish to come over right now coz i`m SOOOOO bored. We both could do with a hot & heavy make out session. & maybe dancing on the kitchen top. I like it when the physical don`t leave me asking for more. HAHA okaye inside joke, got ntg to do with the song. Eh Aishah Mohammad Razali, I know what u told you-know-who about my you-know-what & i know you want to do something to it so so so so so bad. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okaye la. Come over watch DVD laaaaaa pleassssssssssssssse. Later got people complain I`m a lesbian again. HAHAHA. I wanna be a kitten now. NOW NOW NOW NOW NOWWWWWW.

mmhm

I guess it`s just my ears but I find Mika`s Grace Kelly a VERY annoying song. & I feel like chopping my hair & have green highlights.

every night is another story

I would have unleashed my true childish self had I been dressed in comfy Tshirt & shorts or something. HAHAHA. i didn`t know it would be sandy. HAHA. next time maybe (: I`m still not satisfied & I still wanna play, this time, barefooted but not on sand! (: & when i`m not nauseous. HAHA. I can live like this, laughing my life away with you. HAHAHA.

We were sitting & talking just now & suddenly, a certain feeling embraced me. I`m not sure if he noticed it but I wasn`t paying much attention to what he was saying that time. Something about his sisters & bowling. That very moment, I could only look into his eyes & something just tells me everything. My heart was just beating insanely, I only wanted to drown in his eyes. I can`t believe I`m missing him as I`m typing this. The way he makes me feel leaves me wanting more (:

I`m becoming a lil more certain of what`s going on currently. I`m here to stay & yes, see you on that starry hill tonight (:

You`re every line

You`re every word

You`re everything

He is total addiction.

let`s spend tonight on top of the world

I was on the phone with a friend a while ago. Well, let`s just say this friend used to matter ALOT to me, but things happened & we weren`t as close as before. She went her way & so did I. Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness. Mmm, anywaaaay, it`s been ages since I last talked or even read her blog. What happened was enough to allow hatred to creep into my heart. But I built a wall. Somehow, over time, the wall just crumbled on its own.

I do think of her occasionally & sometimes, only sometimes, about the person she stole away from me. When she did that, she did not realise that she robbed me off my sanity & ripped me apart because that person meant the WORLD to me. One of the very few guys who have actually created an impact on me deep enough to make me say I LOVE YOU and mean it. Because it`s not my nature to utter the 3 words. Words, like Nazir says, are sometimes unnecessary. Well, I`ve moved on, so it`s alright. Perfectly alright (: I don`t dwell. & i`m just glad they`re sailing their 3rd year together with relative ease (:

So we talked. It was nice, a little awkward initially, but it was alright after that. She claims she senses changes in me. Well, people change. Over the years, I`ve mellowed down. Especially my ego. It still exists but I know it`s not as huge as it used to be. No one has to vouch for that because I know myself well. Some actions of mine depict that change without me realising. It`s only after a while that I realise it & say, HEY I DID THAT. DID I REALLY DO THAT? WHERE HAS ALL THAT EGO GONE TO? But well, I`m not complaining coz it`s for the better of me. & all that anger, being short & hot-tempered, yes, i still have those traits, but I can say that I`ve learnt to sit, breathe & think rationally. Again, actions of mine have depicted this. I`m still learning. There`s always room for change & self-improvement.

Oh well, I`m finding love for myself in my heart again. I`ve always been in love with myself. This time, I`m falling deeper. & I`m not complaining. Each day, when I look at myself in the mirror, I tell myself that I really am strong, that I am an audacious girl. The only person who has the liberty to bring me down is myself.

Matin`s mum cancelled tuition today. Looks like my night is available. Some ME time with a good book. Sounds good. But I feel like going to the playground. HAHA. This is like the perfect weather for that.

all that you can`t leave behind

There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow. When we have not yet known what is to have suffered and healed, to have despaired and recovered hope.

recovered hope. recovered hope. recovered hope.

the truth that doesn`t make a noise

i.should.have.known.

Losing your heart`s desire is tragic. But gaining your heart`s desire, it`s all you can hope for. This year I wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart, long, afraid to feel. My wish was granted. If having that is tragic, then give me tragedy.

yeah, THIS is YOUR tragedy, Fit.


build me up. let me down. vicious cycle. ahh fuck it. i don`t know what else to say or do to convince him. i`m just afraid, just so fucking afraid to feel what i`m supposed to.

Well I can't explain why it's not enough

Coz I gave it all to you

And if you leave me now

Oh just leave me now

It's the better thing to do

-The pieces don`t fit anymore

If you think this doesn`t hurt, think again. you have no idea. no fucking idea. I want to give you the best of me. I have never had second doubts about that. But now, look. I`m afraid. I`m so very afraid.

Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return.

Would he even know how much he means to me?

suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace

SELF-FRUSTRATION. I`m so silly sometimes. HAHA. Well that`s just coz I want him to be with me always. HAHA.

Well, since he`s asleep, I guess I`ll go clean my room up. 5 mins & i`m already missing him. I`m re-reading our conversation & I really can`t help but smile real wide. Don`t you people just love courtships? HAHA. Everything`s so beautiful, it`s like you`re always on Cloud 9.

On a serious note, I`ll take whatever comes my way, take it all in my stride. Could he be the one who opens the door, the door i`ve locked for a year plus? Could he be the one who`s gonna help me overcome my fear of commitment? Could he be the one, after a series of failed 'almost relationships'?

I know I felt like this before

But now I'm feeling it even more

Because it came from you

Then I open up and see

The person fumbling here is me

A different way to be

I want more, impossible to ignore

Impossible to ignore

And they'll come true, impossible not to do

Impossible not to do

And now I tell you openly

You have my heart so don't hurt me

For what I couldn't find

Talk to me amazing mind

So understanding and so kind

You're everything to me

- Dreams

I`m not sure. I don`t have the answers. Take it slow. But one thing`s certain, I`m just glad he`s here. & I pray he`ll stay.

Never knew I could feel like this

Like I've never seen the sky before

I want to vanish inside your kiss

Every day I love you more and more

Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing

Telling me to give you everything

Seasons may change, winter to spring

But I love you until the end of time

-Come What May

All I see is you. All I wanna be is your. . . fitten (: HAHA. okaye inside joke (: I shall be a very nice girl & not disrupt his sleep (:

I wanna go to the playground pleaseeeeeeeeeee.

kiwaaaaaak

My dictionary of Malay slang & profanities is expanding. & THAT IS NOT A GOOD THING. Some of them have existed since whenever but I`ve never heard any of that, hence i`m lagging behind. I`ve got no idea that 'STEAM KODOK' has got nothing to do with a toad & i`ve always thought KODOK is a swordfish, when it`s actually a TOAD. HAHA.

Yesterday proved to be an idiotic day for me.

Adly: I was happily sitting behind then 2 mat kotais came over. Siak ah.

Me: So what`s the problem?

Adly: Mat kotais la.

Me: Yeah I know. SO WHAT`S THE ACTUAL PROBLEM? They chose to sit there coz they saw YOU & they`d prolly say, 'EH MEMBER KITA AHHHHHH, JOM DUDUK' .

Adly, Iylia, Syed: KIWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK. MEMBER OUCH.

Much later,

Adly: Fit, ur face like Zakir ah.

Me: Really?

HAHA. Then I looked at Zakir who was seated next to me.

Me: Well, kind of. But that`s coz we are fair. BUT my nose is nicer than his. So much nicer.

Adly, Syed, Iylia, Zakir, Naz/Nas : KIWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK.

ohmy.. & that inside joke about Rusydi`s Friendster nick, kiwaaaaaaaaaak. HAHA.

Eh how, minah wannabe can? KUANG3.

i`ve got sunshine on a cloudy day

okaye im having my doses of iylia, syed & adly in less than 3 hrs. Cengker moments again for sure, & as usual, I`ll be the butt of their jokes -.-

on another note, KBP boy is capable of putting my heart on a rollercoaster. I`m about to scream. HAHA. & do you people notice the multiple entries in a day?HAHAHAHA. yes, i`m too free.

....

LESBIANS DO NOT FALL FOR GUYS, THEY DO NOT FALL FOR CREATURES WITH A DICK & AN ADAM`S APPLE. Do i look as if i`ve fallen for a girl? Why is my sexuality being questioned again? HOW MANY TIMES MUST PEOPLE RAISE THAT TOPIC ABOUT ME? I`m perfectly straight. Just coz I have lesbian tendencies at times, that doesn`t make me a les. & if i was SO interested to be with a girl, then I wouldn`t even bother feeling the way I am for him right now.

It`s PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR GIRLS TO CHECK EACH OTHER OUT. So that does not make me a fucking lesbian. & just coz i send messages to girls, THAT AGAIN DOES NOT MAKE ME A FUCKING LESBIAN. It`s all in the name of fun.

Talk about judging people randomly. Screw that.

& i`m not discriminating lesbians in this entry. i`m perfectly fine with them.

I just feel lousy now. I feel like crap. & I`m upset & hurt. Truly am. Because those aren`t the words I wanna hear from him.

i`ve got sunshine on a cloudy day

HAHAHAHA. Everytime I see Umar, I`ll talk about kidnapping his gorgeous Arab-looking gf. So just nw, I sent a msg to this very beautiful girl who viewed me a few days ago & she looks alot like his gf.

"Hi. Do u happen to be Umar`s gf whom I wanna steal so much?"

HAHA. I sent her that. She`s very pretty & cute, really. HAHA. IF that girl turns out to be the wrong person.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA to me. So much for being cheeky, Fit ;p

On another note, the rain is pouring, the weather`s mighty fine to me & I wanna jump over puddles. & KBP Boy is really a pig. HAHA. I can`t comprehend guys & long hours of sleep. ZzzZzzz.

WAHLAU EHHHHHHHH

DISASTER. CATASTROPHE. I`m super pissed now, please. My brother just spilled LIQUID PAPER ONTO MY LAPTOP LAAAAAAA. now the keys are white. WAHLAU....................FAIZ HILMAN BIN ZULKEFLEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! bloody bingit now.

feast for my eyes

There`s this arab-looking guy from RP who has just added me up on Friendster & my oh my, he`s darn fly. Don`t bother checking my 'recently added friends' list coz it`s not updated for idk what reason . HAHA. Anyway, I only looked at his first pic when I accepted the request, didnt think much of it. But i kinda checked him out just nw for the fun of it. & yes, I do have a fetish for these kinda hunky & fair arab-looking boys. HOT. Woooo. Very very hot. He makes good eye candy. HAHA.

But you know what? HAHA. I STILL prefer to look at the boy with 3 kittens (: He wins hands down anytime (: Oh yes he does, coz he`s all i see lately & i`m not complaining (: I want more. I need more. He`s like a drug, like an aphrodisiac (: Go on, rob me off my sanity (: I like this chase.


You're a carousel

You're a wishing well

And you light me up

When you ring my bell

You're a mystery

You're from outer space

You're every minute of my every day

- Everything

This infatuation is driving me up the wall but I love having butterflies in my tummy again (: Uncanny that I don`t complain from the lack of sleep these days. The silly things this does to me (:

On another note, i think my mum`s soup is too salty today. It tasted like salt water, I think she was sleepy when she cooked this morning, but i stole all the potatoes anyway, salty or not. I just had to say this. Okaye okaye i wont complain. HAHA.

Bye bye ;)

under the influence of ......

i`m too lazy to organise my thoughts.

sleep.sunday.lunch.nazir.feel like throwing my hp out of the window.daydream. car.nervous.upset.dinner.rice.talks.illusions.dahliah.10 am.missed calls.stingray.apple strudel.parents.phone calls. hospital. pissed. messages.

argh.i did it. i told myself to never touch it again, but i did. it`s been 4 years. promises are meant to be broken. good while it lasted, took my pain away for a moment. cheap thrill, but heck, coz it was surreal.

look up, the stars are fading

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
And we can do anything,
We can be anything
I'll meet you tonight on top of the world
As real as it seems,
You're only in my dreams

boo. something`s wrong with my taggyboardyboard :(

mistake no more

This has gotta come to an end. & it has. I think what Afiq & me had was something only two of us could comprehend. He has been my pillar of strength but right from the very beginning, I only saw it as a beautiful start to a wonderful friendship, nothing more, nothing less. but I guess things happen & it`s hard not to THINK you`ve developed a certain kind of feeling for each other. to THINK is different from FEELING. & i have to say that in this case, it was more THINKING than FEELING for me & it was just the other way round for him.

I do not blame him, myself, or anyone for all that`s happened. My conscience is clear. I`ve told him what I wanted, who I need.

What is wrong with me? I daren`t ask. I`ve had very good guy friends who`ve always been there for me, but once they cross the 'friends only' border, i panic. i become so afraid coz i know i`ll lose them. & yes, i have lost many along the way. I tell myself to never be too friendly or they`ll get the wrong signals. But sometimes, I REALLY don`t know what i`ve said or did to make them develop those feelings, because my main intention has never and will never be to make them fall for me.

Afiq. Afiq has been an exception until last week or 2 weeks before. & i have to admit that i really shouldn`t have said certain things, my bad, but there`s really no point in looking back now. I`ve just ended a call with him. As much as I choose to ignore, I feel it. I sense the disappointment in his voice. But I really can`t lie to him. & most importantly, to myself. It`s tragic that we`ve become like this, but let`s embrace the fact that this is for the better of us. I still don`t mind having him around as my buddy, but I`m certain he has issues with that. Guys being guys. I can`t say much, really. But it`s bothering me to hear him say things like he`d rather die than cry & that i have no idea how upset he is.

I`ve had enough. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. I know I should give him space to breathe & i could make use of that as well. The problem with me is that I`m too afraid to say NO to someone, it`s just not my nature. But this of course, has never been a good thing. More often than not, things happen before I can salvage the situation. By the time I`ve plucked all courage to say NO, something bad has occurred.

Okaye i feel better now. I`m sorry I don`t mean to be selfish, but it feels good to know that I no longer have 3 hearts in my hands, including mine. That I no longer have to hold them so dearly. I`m left with one, & yes, I`ll do anything & everything to let that one heart be mine. mine & only mine. now if only the owner of that heart would quit being so pessimistic. Well, i wonder if he`d be elated to know that the only one i need is him. Soon enough, i suppose. & whatever happens after that is entirely ANOTHER story.

Cause you give me something,

That makes me scared alright,

This could be nothing,

But I'm willing to give it a try,

Please give me something,

Cause someday I might call you from my heart.

But it might be a second too late,

And the words that I could never say,

Are gonna come out anyway.

-You Give Me Something

The week has come to an end. & i should quit being messed up as well. enough messing & screwing things up for the week. Now, Fit, look ahead & smile (:That smile has been gone from & wiped off your face long enough. Bring it back. & you so need to sleep!