Last night wasn`t supposed to happen. I should have gone straight to bed & not write that email. I thought I sensed some glimmer of hope in that entry which he wrote.
In all honesty, I have lost myself. I went to bed sobbing insanely. & woke up with swollen eyes. The bus ride was torturous. I sat at the back, plugged my Ipod & tried to sleep, but to no avail. I found tears rolling from my shut eyes. The moment I met my friends at the school bus stop, Huiting only looked at me with knowing eyes & kept quiet.
Today just feels so different. & it`s because I`ve finally known the truth, straight from him last night & it killed me. It shattered my every hope. The hopes I`ve had in me since I lost him. For the past week, I`ve not let it affected me in school but I found myself staring into space during Biz Maths lecture just now. Yes, for 3 hours, u can say NOTHING went into my head & the topic was on Functions. & Functions isn`t exactly a strong topic of mine. Dr Tan knows I always pay attention during his lessons becoz I can answer him almost all the time but just now, he didn`t say anything but he did ask if I was ok.
In all honesty, I have lost myself. I went to bed sobbing insanely. & woke up with swollen eyes. The bus ride was torturous. I sat at the back, plugged my Ipod & tried to sleep, but to no avail. I found tears rolling from my shut eyes. The moment I met my friends at the school bus stop, Huiting only looked at me with knowing eyes & kept quiet.
Today just feels so different. & it`s because I`ve finally known the truth, straight from him last night & it killed me. It shattered my every hope. The hopes I`ve had in me since I lost him. For the past week, I`ve not let it affected me in school but I found myself staring into space during Biz Maths lecture just now. Yes, for 3 hours, u can say NOTHING went into my head & the topic was on Functions. & Functions isn`t exactly a strong topic of mine. Dr Tan knows I always pay attention during his lessons becoz I can answer him almost all the time but just now, he didn`t say anything but he did ask if I was ok.
Move on. HOW EXACTLY DOES HE EXPECT ME TO DO THAT? i`ve made my stand. I`ve made it clear so many times. I`ve come to terms that we can`t be. But it`s entirely my right if I want to stay & wait for him till i`m old & grey or something. But I do feel upset. I hate to think that we could have sat & talked things out nicely for one last time, even if it means letting go entirely or maybe emerging stronger than ever. Becoz right now, i know there are so many things left unsaid. Things we both need to know. He`s gonna be the same, saying there`s no point & all that, but I know he has his reasons & i should just respect that, even if it`s come to a point where i`m dying now.
He can move on if he wants. He`s probably doing that. But I don`t feel bitter. Because we are humans and we don`t have all power & control over certain things & that`s the truth. I keep telling myself this - he`s probably not coming back to me anytime soon. not in the next few weeks, months or years. he`s gonna get married to another girl & they are gonna have many children. but one day, something happens & he probably loses his wife or something & with a twist of fate, our paths cross again & you know the rest. I know I talk crap most of the time,but really, ANYTHING can happen. I don`t know. You don`t either. So it`s best we just allow things to fall into place on their own. He can force me to move on, do things which make me hate him, but at the end of the day, yes it`s true, if it`s meant to be, it will. We can push each other away now & allow hatred to creep into our hearts but we never know what will happen.
He can move on if he wants. He`s probably doing that. But I don`t feel bitter. Because we are humans and we don`t have all power & control over certain things & that`s the truth. I keep telling myself this - he`s probably not coming back to me anytime soon. not in the next few weeks, months or years. he`s gonna get married to another girl & they are gonna have many children. but one day, something happens & he probably loses his wife or something & with a twist of fate, our paths cross again & you know the rest. I know I talk crap most of the time,but really, ANYTHING can happen. I don`t know. You don`t either. So it`s best we just allow things to fall into place on their own. He can force me to move on, do things which make me hate him, but at the end of the day, yes it`s true, if it`s meant to be, it will. We can push each other away now & allow hatred to creep into our hearts but we never know what will happen.
That`s probably why I`m still building my hopes, still holding on, though my sanity`s hanging by a thread now. We`re talking about the man I`ve fallen in love with here, the one I`ve dreamt of marrying & having his children, i don`t care if they turn out to be 'disastrous' & annoying as he is. They can wear their underwear on their heads & run around the house & create so much noise. I don`t care. I just want to live my life with him & know that i`m having his children, the very products of our love.
You can say it`s all wishful thinking on my part but at this point of time, I`m feeling so darn depressed it`s probably thoughts like that which cheer me up. I can cry an ocean, bawl till I go blind. But i`m still waiting. No matter how long. & i`m telling you, he`s as depressed as I am & it`s just that he has his own way of dealing with all these.
I`ve never understood the reasoning for someone to 'move on' from a relationship. It`s not like you are really going to 'move on,' you are just trying to tell your heart to stop thinking about that person every second of every minute of everyday until it finally becomes a routine and you don`t notice it anymore. That is, until you see that person again, with someone who isn`t you, and then you have to remind yourself again.
It feels like with each passing day, I die a little more. This morning after shower, I actually cried because I couldn`t stand seeing my own reflection. It hurts to look at myself in the mirror & having to remind myself that those are the very eyes he used to stare into, the very cheeks he used to always kiss on & the very lips which kissed his soul.
At the rate i`m going, i won`t be surprised if i sink into depression sooner than i think. A little insane, I`ve become. I can sit at the bus stop, waiting for a bus, & when i 'hear' a phantom, i just have to close my eyes & i know the sound from the engine`s the same. & so far, i`ve never been wrong. I don`t care about myself anymore. I just need to know he`s healing just fine. & I just wished I could be there.
I wish I could say no regrets
You can say it`s all wishful thinking on my part but at this point of time, I`m feeling so darn depressed it`s probably thoughts like that which cheer me up. I can cry an ocean, bawl till I go blind. But i`m still waiting. No matter how long. & i`m telling you, he`s as depressed as I am & it`s just that he has his own way of dealing with all these.
I`ve never understood the reasoning for someone to 'move on' from a relationship. It`s not like you are really going to 'move on,' you are just trying to tell your heart to stop thinking about that person every second of every minute of everyday until it finally becomes a routine and you don`t notice it anymore. That is, until you see that person again, with someone who isn`t you, and then you have to remind yourself again.
It feels like with each passing day, I die a little more. This morning after shower, I actually cried because I couldn`t stand seeing my own reflection. It hurts to look at myself in the mirror & having to remind myself that those are the very eyes he used to stare into, the very cheeks he used to always kiss on & the very lips which kissed his soul.
At the rate i`m going, i won`t be surprised if i sink into depression sooner than i think. A little insane, I`ve become. I can sit at the bus stop, waiting for a bus, & when i 'hear' a phantom, i just have to close my eyes & i know the sound from the engine`s the same. & so far, i`ve never been wrong. I don`t care about myself anymore. I just need to know he`s healing just fine. & I just wished I could be there.
I wish I could say no regrets
And no emotional debts
And as we kiss good bye, the sun sets
So we are history
The shadow covers me
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see
I know it`s been 3 years but I really do feel like lighting up RIGHT NOW. These days, I get tempted to pick it up again. That stupid 'i`m stressed' reason but heck. God, please help meeeeeeee. Maybe I should just go sleep. URGH. I miss him so much laaaaa :(
& thank you riotgrrlz for this song. I hope ur ma`s better.
I know it`s been 3 years but I really do feel like lighting up RIGHT NOW. These days, I get tempted to pick it up again. That stupid 'i`m stressed' reason but heck. God, please help meeeeeeee. Maybe I should just go sleep. URGH. I miss him so much laaaaa :(
& thank you riotgrrlz for this song. I hope ur ma`s better.
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