HONESTLY

I AM SO DARN DISGUSTED. EEEEW. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!

weep

Those glassy eyes. The definition of a child`s innocence. She actually tugged my heartstrings. It doesn`t matter that she didn`t win the comp. but she`s such an angel, really.

hare pee

THE WEATHER IS SO ORGASMIC. AND I HAVE 4 GOOD BOOKS. I`m gonna snuggle under my blanket now & plug into lots of Coldplay & Oasis & read! (: YAY, HOLIDAYS! :D

Can`t wait to meet my sexylove tomorrow (:

to you and you.

i`m not gonna get involved in these kinda politics. i`ve been listening for the longest time & my eardrums are just gonna burst. i can only take SO much & then we know everything`s gotta stop. sometimes i wish i didn`t care about them so much, but i do because i love the both of them. sometimes i wonder if i care about them more than my own boyfriend. and sometimes i wonder if i should just quit caring for them. but no, someone`s gotta do something, someone`s gotta do the listening before everything falls apart. Now i plead the both of you to stop whatever it is that you`re doing to each other.

For the longest time, really, I thought I had it all with the both of them. But hell no. Nothing`s changing, I`m just gonna be more silent from now on. & when you both finally realise that I`ve been doing the listening ALL THESE WHILE, then tell me.

shrink

I used to enjoy pigging out. yes, like really spend money on food & just eat eat eat. Especially each time I`m out with Dahliah. All that insane eating gets me insane and I don`t even complain about weight issues. But recently, i just can`t seem to eat. I can go on without rice for a week plus and I can survive on a meal a day. Well Chantel saw me just now & the first thing she said was "Eh you lost weight. Your face is slimmer." I think so too. It`s alarming that my size 24 jeans are slipping from my hips & I have to keep pulling them up. And my XS T-shirts don`t really fit my body nicely like they used to. Topshop`s smallest size 6 tops no longer fit me nicely. & I have to start hunting for clothes in the petite section. Anyway I bought fast food for lunch. Let`s just say I grabbed a few fries, munched on a quarter of the fish and I was full. I don`t like fish but I bought it. Why? I also don`t know.

Math paper was orgasmic, yo. As usual, I`ve always sucked at plotting graphs & whatnots, so yeah. Thank God we only had to sketch ONE graph. Okaye English for Business tomorrow. LAST PAPER, YO. Actually today already feels like the last paper. HAHA.

Okaye off now.

boolsheet

omg. considering the amount of effort i put in to study MPO, i`m uber surprised at how much i wrote. It was a 3-hr paper & I was freezing there. Had I been a guy, my balls would be frozen, really. Anyway, 10 MCQs, 4 essay questions. & i wrote a total of . . . 24 pages. Well according to the ans booklet, there are 24 pages, but I think I wrote only on 12 coz there`s like the working thingamajig on every left page. Yes, I used up the entire booklet, right to the very last line on the very last page. Now, if you know me, you must know that I`ve never written THAT much for ANY exam. even back then in TP for my management papers or Econs or whatever. so it`s either 1) I bullshit alot. & then DEFINITELY got out of point somewhere or 2) God just decided to let me be a smart alec for that 3 hours. I think it`s a little bit of both. Now we`ll wait for 13th sept. &&&&& if i do flunk it, i. have. nothing. to. say. really. For now, time to get down to Biz Maths. Now, this one, I better see my A.

bahbel

hello i miss you i love you byeeeee

wow, when -spunk says she is NOT HERE, 4837897493874 people start chatting her up. wow they so understand Engrish. wowzaaaaaaa. byeeee.

thank you, angels

i am gay today. gay ee yay.

Late morning & afternoon was or-sem. awesome. awesome. uneven tan lines, but heck. 3 of us went swimming. and coz i lost my goggles, i had to make do without it. it was all 20 laps, yo yo yo. okaye inside joke and banana speedos. i like them with whipped cream, topped with cherry pretty pretty please. and the elephant aunty. zomg.

There were alot of people, alot. alot alot coz it`s a Saturday. so Aish and me decided to enter into ONE cubicle to shower, my suggestion of coz and left frente outside to wait for us. Had her bf not be an impatient idiot, I would have taken my own sweet time to shower. HAFIZ, UR READING THIS! anyway, the shower. We decided to be 2 little pricks and make frente wait outside our cubicle. We spent approximately 35 minutes in there. lots of smacking, slapping and LOTS OF soaping, we practically flooded the toilet floor with lots of soap bubbles and i mean LOTS and LOTS of "ah. that`s good. uh.. uh.. some more pls, ah ah ah ah" and annoyed the hell out of Frente and she yelled "this is a fucking family place!". ahahahahahahaha. aish, u bitch. anyway it was fun. until elephant aunty stared at us when we both stepped out of the cubicle. Aish JUST HAD to wear this 'OMG.I HAD THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE IN THERE. ORGASMIC, YO' expression on her face. she JUST had to, u know. and elephant aunty looked at us like we had 3 breasts. And then when she stepped in, we heard "aiyoooooo so many bahhhhbel". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. in case u didn`t get it, she meant bubbles but her diction was horrendous.

anyway, hafiz waited for us in the car for 45 minutes and spent a good 15 minutes arguing with frente where to eat. geez. they are an odd couple, really. HAHAHAHAHA. aish and me got ourselves comfy in the backseat while they argued. and started gaying around and coz it was in the day, we were upset we couldn`t 'play' with the camera flash. on the way, aish and me made our "uh, ah, uhhhhh some more, baby. oh yeah baby..that`s it baby. UHHHHH... " sounds and pissed our handsome driver. "no backseat action, please.." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. it was all good. until get this. until I CRIED. yeah i freaking cried. we were all just keeping quiet and then the ghost of nazir, jeng jeng jeng, haunted my mind and i cried. that was like so retarded. totally random. no tissue, use wet towel. and hafiz had the cheek to suggest the towel he uses to wipe the car. wth. YES, NO TISSUE PAPER U KNOWWWWWW. what kind of car is that?! anyway, it was chaos for a good 8 minutes or so and then we were all fine.

then rushed rushed rushed to meet my parents for dinner and so here i am now. too tired to bury my face in the books but i HAVE to. till then!

anyway to end this off. . . thank you to the 2 angels for today (: we`ll do this again after my exams. and not to forget "fit, u make me have coke in my nose" hahaha (: love you two, really (:

World War 43984384578383753

So I saved the entire convo. Had 5 hours of sleep but kept waking up every few minutes. Got out of bed, sat down and read it again. AND goddamnit i tell you. There was this particular part which made me tick and it still does. I felt like that ENTIRE part was fucking unnecessary & rude to be said to a girl. You don`t fucking say that to someone you love or whatever I am to him now because despite who i used to be, i don`t motherfucking screw around and land on random guys` beds. My brain was so motherfucking sempit that I failed to see what it was all about. & now, maybe you think i`m as fucked up as ever but FUCK, really, I just wished things had just been so motherfucking clear cut. It`s either 1) FIT, WE CAN`T BE TOGETHER BECAUSE I DON`T WANT TO. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE or 2) FIT, LET`S TRY AGAIN TOGETHER BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU. But hell no, hell fucking no, we had to go round and round and round and round and ended up being more pissed at the end of the damn convo. at fucking 5am in the morning.

My head`s spinning. I don`t know what it is that we`re doing to each other but fuck, i need to get on the right path. What I want for the both of us has never changed and it never will but there`s this feeling which has crept into my heart. Oh wow, I`m finally there. I guess this is what LOVE does to you, huh? Even when you`re no longer a necessity in someone`s life, you are still trying to save whatever that`s left. Ah fuck, do you call this assuming? To be thinking that i`m no longer a necessity to him? Ah whatever. Okaye, long day today. & it`s damn important to me. Bye. & i`m not a fucking thing or piece of shit who has to pent up her frustration or who always has to cry to sleep over this.

& to all you people out there who THINK you fucking know the entire story, and by that i mean from both parties, go get a Dildo or a blow up doll to occupy ur time rather than secretly read my shit here.

& goddamnit, i need to watch my language. Vulgarities will not get my points across. Ah I`m sorry. Thank you for Saosin, a7x and Silverstein but ears are getting painful.

im so fucked up

why do i always mess things up when truth is, i`ve never harboured any intentions to? :(

make promises u can keep

DAMMIT. I am so pissed with my parents. It`s only 8 days away, really. Whatever reasons they provided me with were i`m sorry to say, total CRAP. The next time I make plans to travel, I`m gonna ensure the whole family`s coming because every single time I`m travelling alone, there`s bound to be some kinda hindrance. The last time preparation and such went smoothly was 3 fricking years ago when Zarifah and me went to Perth. Even plans for me to visit my grandpa in Malaysia got screwed up and that was only what, 2 mths ago? WHY OH WHY CAN`T THEY MAKE THEIR PLAN MONTHS AGO? & WHY OH WHY DID THEY EVEN AGREE TO LET ME GO FOR THIS TRIP WHEN THEY`VE HAD INTENTIONS TO MAKE LAST MINUTE PLANS AND WANT ME TO TAG ALONG? So now, this trip has to wait for what, DECEMBER?! and what, my sister`s tagging along. urghhhhhhhhhhhh.

i CAN`T stand last-minute planning, really. Okaye so in future when i get married, i`ll inform them 2 days before. -rolls eyes

yaaaaaaahoooooo

I am FINALLY smiling. A genuine smile, that is. Why? Let`s see. 1) I got the pics from him already 2) CA results are out & i`m pleased with them. At least with MPO and that very nice A for Biz Math. But wth, I got a darn B for EB. Like how can I get a B for English?!! Nvm. I`m grateful enough. Point is, I`m gonna give my all for the remaining 50% and that`s my exams next week. & then holidays, yo. Well, I guess the day just got better like what, half hour ago? HAHA. I know the day`s ending, but well, at least i`m smiling (:

Downside is, I feel like kicking my laptop because it`s being such a bastard. Yes, my lappy`s a guy. Anyway, it`s lagging insanely. I can`t view the pics. & something`s wrong with the connection. It`s being bitchy. Yes, the connection`s a female. Urgh.

stuck in reverse

http://porceliandoll.deviantart.com/art/helpless-57484763

I was just reading my past entries. & this one stirred all the emotions in me again. God, I need to snap out of this, really.

25 July 2007
Someday when we`ve been together for a very long time, we'll turn out the lights and sit around in the balcony. You`ll finish my sentences and I`ll borrow your glasses, we`ll wonder where the time went. And at night we`ll roll to the middle of our old bed into each other`s arms where we`ll kiss and hold each other and dream the secrets that only old lovers know.

I don`t know, really. This painful longing smothering my soul is just draining the life out of me. I need to get out of this rut SOON. & i really need a sign because I`m so afraid of making the wrong decision. I really am. I don`t know what I`m waiting for, really, when he`s probably moving on just fine right now, not thinking about me, about us anymore. & that sucks. It really does.

for you i bleed myself dry

I don`t know, really. It just feels good to see him online though I`ve got no intentions of starting a convo. Just don`t feel like it, I suppose. I feel like just appearing offline till I finally see him log off. I just feel, i don`t know really, can`t find the word. But the effects of the medicine are kicking in & i`m not sure if I can keep myself awake. These kinda late nights made me think of those online convos that we used to have all the way till 4am. I miss them but oh well. 1 hr 10 minutes gone, I`m enjoying the tranquility of the night. Please let today be good.

i can hear your heart beating

www.johncoulthart.com/.../fallenangel.html


A rivalry goes so deep between me & this loss of sleep over you.

crestfallen

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

I woke up from my nap with the intention and hopes of asking for the pictures. I should have known. I should have controlled my emotions better and not just sit & burst into tears when the 15 minutes was up and i still had NO answer from him. I don`t know what I`m left with now. Maybe just whatever`s in my mind. I`ve already been denied access to our private blog, and now I can`t have the pictures. I honestly hate to think that he`s deleted BOTH the blog & pictures. I can`t take this disappointment. You know, somehow, I`m just glad he doesn`t read my shit here and I`m allowed to express myself freely because there are so many times when I can`t find my words when I`m with him, though I`m dying to say what`s on my mind.

It`s been a long time since the first times. The first time we met, to the first time we kissed, to our first fight, our first good-bye, our first tears, to the last 'I love you.' People say you never realize what you have until you lose it. In a way, they`re right. In fact, they are. But I`ve never taken him for granted though he thinks otherwise, because I know that any day I could wake up and he would be gone. I just hoped so much it wouldn`t be soon. But now I miss all those things I never really noticed. Like how much I miss his hands holding mine and most of all, I miss his smile. No matter what was going wrong, all he had to do was give me that smile of his and somehow I knew everything was going to be all right. I haven`t seen that smile forever. I just keep hoping I`ll see it again so I can have that feeling that everything is going to be all right again.

I`m not all right. I`m anything but okay right now. I just keep wondering if I`m ever on his mind these days. Or if he ever misses my smile too. I wonder if he ever wakes up in the middle of the night hoping that we`ll be together again. I miss him so much. There`s nothing I can say that would ever make him comprehend just what he means to me. I want nothing more but to see his smile again knowing it`s for me. Me, me, me and me alone. I need something to hang onto and... I need him.


This is harder than I thought. It seriously is. Argh, Fit. Snap out of this please. You know you can.



I am a dreamer and when I wake
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take
And as you move on, remember me
Remember us and all we used to be

bad bad bad bad timing

Mmm. 11.21 am. & i`m SUPPOSED to be in sch for my last lecture but apparently, I`m not. Temperature hit the roof, my throat hurts, my chest aches and my nose is leaking badly. I`ve got no idea when I got this bug but when I woke up this morning, my vision was blurred. Okaye that`s coz I wasn`t wearing my specs. HAHA. Seriously, my head was darn heavy and felt like someone just hit me. Pulled my blanket but darn, my mum just had to pull me out of bed to go to the clinic because my face was insanely flushed. Even I got a shock when I looked at myself in the mirror. Oh the horror. I bickered with her for a good 10 minutes about seeing the doctor because 1) it`s just 38.6! 2) I don`t need an MC because it`s the last day of sch & i`ve met my attendance requirement 3) it`s raining 4) i`m too weak to get up 5) i don`t feel like showering 6) panadol will work just fine.

Okaye so I gave in at last because exams are coming and I figured I`d better get something for my nose and i`m very suspicious of those very very very tiny droplets of blood in my phlegm & so dragged my sorry ass out of bed. So went to the clinic. yada yada yada. Told you it was just the usual bug. The late-night mugging have taken a toll on my body. Anyway, I`m just glad it`s not a relapse of my bronchitis. So here I am now at home. Anyway, I`m moved that I have wonderful classmates who are solicitous about my health, really. Thank you.

Okaye gonna take my medi, and hit the bed. Wake up, don`t wake up, not important already. My nose is really annoying and I look like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. & i`m freezing coz of the rain. Biz Maths has got to wait. At least not till evening. I`ll probably soak my notes with my mucus or something. & my head`s spinning and I feel so darn weak & I`ve really got no energy left for anything else to drain me. I just wanna hide under my blanket with my pillows and curl like a worm :( Okaye no more whining already.

so bye bye.

5

It pisses me off when everyone says time is a healer when at the same time they also say absence makes the heart grow fonder, which really confuses me because that means that the longer he`s gone, the more I`m gonna want him. I`ll tell them that nothing is healing at all and that every morning I wake up in my empty bed, it feels like salt is being rubbed into these unhealing wounds. & then I`ll tell them about how much I miss him and about how worthless my life seems without him. How uninterested I am in getting on with things without him, and I`ll explain how I feel like I’m just waiting for my world to end.

I`m not listening to anyone. I never did, anyway. Are you me? Are you the fucked up Nurul Fitriyanna? No, you are not. So okaye, that sums EVERYTHING up. I`d rather talk to my books now.


NO ONE FUCKING TELLS ME TO MOVE ON.


I understand that there are some problems

And I am not too blind to know

All the pain you kept inside you

Even though you might not show

If I can't apologize for being wrong

Then it’s just a shame on me

I’ll be the reason for your pain

And you can put the blame on me

i am small

Dear Fit, stop being so fucked up already. No random outbursts for the day already. & want to ask for the pictures, just ask. don`t contemplate. don`t be so fickle-minded. don`t be afraid. if he has deleted them already, then go and play ping pong or something. My otak is so bloody sempit now. I was munching on raisins just now when i realised something.

Me: shah, when i go States again, i think wanna find raisin trees.

Her: what did u say?

Me: I said i wanna find raisin trees.

Her: raisin trees?

Me: YAH. raisin. kismis. kiss mees. raisin la. the sun maid thingy.

& then she kept quiet.

Me: why are u quiet?

Her: fit, u know raisins are from grapes? they don't have trees.

Me: REALLY?! HAHAHAHAHA. Oh no wonder they sour2 like grapes. ohh!!!!! & no wonder on the sunmaid box thingy, it`s written SUNMAID RAISINS, JUST GRAPES AND SUNSHINE.

Okaye so i`m a loser, really. and i`m not trying to be 'funny' or what. but it`s true that I have JUST known that raisins are from grapes at what, age 18 going 19? HAHAHAHA. Imagine those tiny raisins dangling from the trees in bunches. Just like red dates or something. HAHA. But nvm, they say u learn SOMETHING everyday :D

70025050

so someone please take my hand and we`ll run as far as possible. away from everything and anything. we`ll know no tears. we`ll know no sorrow. we`ll know no pain. we`ll know no disappointment. we`ll know no letting people down. we`ll know that someday all these will be over and dealing with losses is part of life. we`ll know that it`s okaye to cry. we`ll know that someday someone else will touch our hearts and we`ll forget all the pain of losing someone we hold so dear, no matter how much we hurt and have been hurt. we`ll know that we can pretend it`s gone & even move on. But that love, it`s still there in the depths of our minds. Sometimes a single object or a song triggers it all and you wish you could be right back where you started, in the very arms of the one you lost. someone run with me, please?