precious

I think your mummy was really nice & sweet for sending those text msgs to me. But you are so much sweeter for slipping an entire packet of gummybears secretly into my bag & I love you so for many other reasons & for being the person you truly are (:

fragility at its peak

How do I tell someone about the whole thing and not make them worry or bother them? This is just not a good time for my body to fail on me because I`ve got responsibilities to fulfil and there are people who need me & I need & want to be there for them. People I need to be strong for. People I love. Dear God, please answer my prayers :'(



I`m all the way down in the doldrums.

& God, I hope it`s not too late

Lost - Michael Buble

& this song tugged my heartstings because he sings with such compassion. It`s the moments when I feel like hope dangles on a string or when I`m about to be pushed off the edge of the cliff, when I wish that God would just put an end to all these pain, that I realise that I`m able to endure a little more.

My time away from him has made me look at things objectively and realised what I actually used to have, what I always took for granted. His unconditional love.


Above all, I hope it`s not too late. Yes, we shall all survive on a diet of hope again. I could make use of some good sleep right now because I have been awake for the past 32 hours. School. Jalan raya. Meeting Nazir. Project. All in the past 32 hours. Right nw, I just want to sleep & I hope my grandfather`s okaye.

for you i bleed myself dry

& it is with all my heart that I give you my unconditional love.

of full faced helmets

and bikes.

I wish you were here tonight. & if only you knew how I want to pick you from my dreams and embrace you for real.

God, will You let him know that I still love him so? There are moments when I love him so much that my chest tightens and I can hardly breathe. & other times when I feel so alone without him that my chest tightens and my heart bleeds. Just close his eyes and let him know that my heart is beating in tandem with his.


And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

- Kahlil Gibran

enlighten me

Why is it that when I say 'have a nice day' to people and mean it, they look at me like I`m a freak and ask if I`m ok? Well I hope everyone will have a nice day & I don`t know what but I hope something unexpected will happen to me today. I could make use of some good news or something just very different.



where`dyougo?imissyouso.









& I think you guys should so listen to this song. The tempo`s a lil weird, not your usual kinda songs. The chorus is really cute. I still think it`s a great track. I totally fell in love with Jason Mraz`s crooning. & he sounds so much better live.


And it takes no time to fall in love

but it takes you years to know what love is

and it takes some fears to make you trust

it takes those tears to make it rust

it takes the dust to have it polished (Yeah)


ha la la la la la la life is wonderful

ah la la la la la la life goes full circle

ah la la la la la la life is wonderful

ah la la la it is so (and it’s so)

It takes some silence to make sound

and it takes a loss before you found it

and it takes a road to go nowhere

it takes a toll to make you care

it takes a hole to make a mountain.

look at the stars, look how they shine for you

After school was whacked. Caffeine overdose. Great company. Just 3 of us and some strays down the block. Random. My purging days are back. Anyway, I like talking to an adult. ADULT. Thank you and see you.

When my time comes

Forget the wrong that I've done

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

And don't resent me

And when you're feeling empty

Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest

This song somehow makes me wanna fly. & Fit? You know that OTHER thing you`re worried about? Don`t worry about it. It`s okaye, really.

someone please push me down

http://yatanokagami.deviantart.com/art/Crying-11354482

I think waiting kills everyone. You don`t know what to hope for anymore. You know the issue has got to be resolved quickly and not be prolonged. You`ve been surviving on a diet of hope for the longest time that it`s beginning to eat you up inside & you die a little more each day, no matter how much you tell yourself to remain optimistic. You wait & you wait, because you know it IS worth waiting for. You just know it. You want to end the pain & worry for the other person because you know you`ve hurt him way too much and at the same time, you just wish everything painful would stop. But when the moment of truth is out, it either makes you a really happy person or it breaks you. When it makes you, you see everything in the world in all shades or hues of colours. When it breaks you, you lose yourself, you slip away, you breakdown easily & your heart is so cracked that you start to see cracks in everything as well, even in the things you enjoyed doing or in the people you love.

I have meant everything I`ve said and expected too much in what I`ve heard, in what I`m not even sure of the outcome yet. & that`s why it`s killing me. It`s always a case of 'too much' for me. I`ll sleep on it again tonight & give our hearts one more chance to change our minds. Hanging on, holding on. Sometimes when it gets so tough, I just wished my heart would cease beating. But I also remind myself that that`s not gonna make my loved ones happy. I musn`t be egocentric & tactless.

i yearn

for quiet conversations in the dark. Today just feels like one of the many depressing days I`ve been experiencing. & today also feels like one of my crappy days, those days when I look at myself in the mirror and HATE everything I see. My eyes, my face, my hair. There`s always something wrong. But today also feels like one of those days I feel like putting extra effort to dress up(i`ll still be in my slippers) and put more makeup on my face, pull my hair back and tie it up in a ponytail & let the world look at my cheekbones, jaw and the back of my neck instead of letting it down and have my fringe cover my eyes like always, as if I`m hiding my sad eyes from everyone. I wanna be vulnerable today. I want to let everyone into my world.

But today, I ALSO wanna look at the world in a happier brighter more cheerful kinda manner today. I wanna smile at everyone I see. I wanna compliment people today and tell them how beautiful I think they are. I wanna give hugs to Jac, Raq, Sann, Bi Ru, Chantel, Nuraini & Kai. I`m not gonna tease Raqie, Hong Liang & Kelvin. I will pay attention in class though I loathe the Biz Comm lecturer. & I`m gonna do all that. If the day`s gonna be crappy, I might as well do something to my appearance today & make myself happy when I look at my own reflection. It`s not only about the physical. & the day will be crappy only coz I allow it to.

I don`t like 'we`ll see's. & I don`t like how HOPE ALWAYS DANGLES ON A STRING :( & I want to meet you tonight but you`ll never know. I want to sit by your side & be thankful that you`re so near though I can`t touch you, I can`t kiss you. I want to bite my tongue & hold back my tears. I want to tell you how difficult my days have been, how I`ve realised it too late that you`ve always been there, to care and love me. & what I`d give to redeem myself again to hold you again. To love you again. To tell you that there can never be another person who loves you the way I do. To tell you that sometimes the person who hurts you is the very same person who can heal you. I want to be led into your heart again because that`s the only place I can be myself & not be judged, the only place where there`s comfort and solace.

There is a certain freedom in being completely screwed, because I know things just can`t get any worse. But I also know that with each new thing that screws me up, I have difficulties coping.

I think I`ve become a really forlorn person and my eyes tell everything.

i am so retarded

Someone please shoot me. I`ve developed some weird habit like looking at people and seeing animal faces on them. Right now i think alot of people look like mice and rats. Everyone, please squeak, thank you very much.

your crazy kitten smile

It triggered everything and I was on the verge of breaking down at 6 in the morning (!!!!) so I told him to sleep. I know that for the longest time, I`ve always included him in my future plans. All sorts of my future plans. He`s always there in them because I just know he should. & I don`t intend to remove him from them because they seem incomplete if I do. & there`s NO other better person who`ll ever fit in them nicely but him.

Random.

"Without me, you would become an eskimo hunting for peacocks to survive."

In ALL honesty, I am NOT hunting for peacocks now. But I might start soon enough. How I miss EVERYTHING.

I remember the way that you move

You`re dancin easily through my dreams

It's hittin me harder and harder with all your smiles

You are crazy gentle in the way you kiss

All i see is your face

All i need is your touch

Wake me up with your lips

Come at me from up above

I think I need gummybears now. I`m so random today because I called my fav girl at 6.58am to wake her up for school & got a scolding in return because her lessons are at 1pm. HAHAHA.

pools of sorrow, waves of joy

I have often heard people say that the thing you want appears when you least expect it, after you have totally given up hope. But, deep in my heart, I can sense that I have not really given up hope, which makes me wonder if my allowing hope to live is what is clogging up the plumbing.

On one hand, I think that maybe if I start to admit that 'Yes, I am in the Hole. I have finally given up hope,' then that very admission will speed up the process of healing. But on the other hand, I worry that the very act of forcing myself to prematurely give up hope in the name of speeding things up is in fact an act of hope. Either way I`m like so screwed.







2 assignments down one more to go. ONE MORE ONE MORE ONE MORE.

& to my two favourite girls, I`m sorry, I didn`t mean to make you both cry with my letters. Did you know how I had to rummage my drawer to find your home addresses in my old notebook? HAHAHA. Anyway, in this age of technology, I`m sure it feels good to receive a hand-written letter by post, right?! HAHA.

ANYWAY, here`s to the moments where we didn`t think about right and wrong, where we just lived, crossed our fingers & hoped for the best. Our lives have taken us in so many different directions since we first became friends, & yet our friendship has remained a lasting bond that keeps us from drifting too far apart. We`ve been there for each other in good times and bad, with support and sympathy, laughter and love. As I think about our friendship, I realize it is one of the things I cherish most about my life. & today, I just wanted to be sure you both knew it too (:

It is with all my heart that I send you both my love, hoping that you`ll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for whatever the future may hold.

iiiii neeeed sleeeeeeeep

I am so going crosseyed now. Lack of sleep is driving me nuts. I ALMOST missed my stop at Toa Payoh on the way to school. It seriously is troublesome if I had really missed it, like the other time. & I was asleep from PIE to Simei on the way home. So yes, you can imagine how lethargic I was. In class, I was physically there but not mentally. Half the class wasn`t present anyway. And right now, I`m still working on my Fin Acc project. I just hate Excel, really.

Stresed up, but I`ve been breathing. Haha. HAPPY 11TH TO THE PRINCE OF MY HEART. I can`t wait to bring him out for a birthday treat at Fish & Co and Swensens later. Mmhm, just him & his favourite sister. Yes, and he`s getting that FIFA 08 game from me. I smothered him with kisses like always earlier on & for the first time, he complained.

Handsome one, please do not grow up so fast. It feels like yesterday when I fell asleep by your side with that bottle of milk in your nose. HAHA (: And I know that in many years to come, you`ll have no lack of suitors & all your girlfriends will leave because you have such a protective sister. HAHA. & study hard or I`ll throw all your soccer balls away.

how about being in denial about positivity?

It`s long MSN conversation number what I dunno. But all I know is it helps to save the entire convo, coz when I re-read them, I realise alot of things. The kinda things you don`t see at that very moment. & the kinda things that become lessons to me. I AM SLEEPY AND I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL. AND I DISLIKE HANGING CONVERSATIONS.

crossroads

Because that's not what people want to hear. They want to hear that it's going to be okay. That the pain goes away, but it doesn't. It never does. And you can't say that when the wound is fresh. It would be like pouring salt into their wound and you can't do that to a person.

After something like that, well, even though you try to get through it, and might seem fine on the surface, underneath you're a wreck, and you don't even know it. And sometimes it takes awhile to figure out that you're still struggling with everything that happened.

............

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I finally found out where I got my mother of all stubborn-ness genes from. My maternal grandfather hahahaha. The kind of stubborn which makes people angry.

seriously

i don`t get it why unknown people are sending me LONG well-wishes but the one that was supposed to matter only said one line. i remember something i came across when i was in it. & it breaks my heart now because i matter more than her but. . .can i just cry now, really?

no hero in her sky

I know the time is ungodly. I just can`t sleep though I have to be up by 0800. Anyway, I blasted Damien Rice`s The Blower`s Daughter into my ears, with headphones of course. Closed my eyes & somehow the song just stirred all the emotions in me. It was a good 4:48.

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind... My mind...my mind...
Til I find somebody else

On another note, I`m not excited to turn 19 tomorrow.

meow

Okaye I gotta go get ready like really soon to go to airport to mug but I just have to say this. I SAW SERENDIPITY AT THE BUS STOP ON MY WAY HOME!! YES, MY FAVOURITE BLACK STRAY!!! & SERENDIPITY ISN`T A GAY NAME FOR A MALE CAT. & you know something? One of these days, I`m so gonna get caught for being a litter bug. HAHA.

I need to find a female stray & call her AURORA :D

melts my heart

Yes okaye, this is entry # i don`t know what for today. Am in the school lab now & yes we are supposed to be doing work, but heck. Aaaannnyyyywaaay, this morning, I spent $65 on. . . cat food. Yes, all brands of cat food. Then I went downstairs to feed the strays & I can`t describe the feelings I experienced watching them eat. I don`t know. Some kinda solace. I can talk to cats. Ha.

Well, as a result, I was late so had to cab down to school. HAHA. I think I already have a favourite stray. I`ll see him again tomorrow (: & in the meantime, I`ll pray my mum doesn`t hit the roof IF she ever finds out. HAHA.