start of something new

This could be everything.
It could mean something.
It could also be nothing.

Dear handsome policeman, you make my heart palpitate. I know something isn`t right with me when I start smiling each time your name appears on my hp screen. It`s been too long, way too long. My cheeks haven`t ached from grinning & giggling in a while. Above all, I know I`m elated & I`m entitled to this happiness. Breathe, take it slow.

of dreams and forgiveness

I don`t want to do this anymore.

of T-junctions

I am easily traumatized, I am not kidding. I am very much afraid of T-junctions, cab rides and motorcycles now, especially Gilera Runner. I want to cry so much but I can`t. Somehow, I just can`t.

So many things are running through my head now. I cannot imagine what could have happened to us IF the motorcycle wasn`t beside our cab. Because I was seated directly behind the cab driver, logically, we would both be hit first because the oncoming car was on our right. & all of that, I can`t imagine.

I am just really really really really really thankful that the motorist wasn`t badly injured. I wanted to cry so much when I saw all the shattered pieces of glass, the cab`s punctured tyres, the car`s fallen bumper, all the blood, but most of all, the tears in the motorist`s eyes. Thank God, he wasn`t severely injured. I am really grateful for that.

Everything`s still playing before my eyes, really. I remember hearing the sound of our cab crash, someone flying off in the front (the motorist) & myself falling out of my seat, my head hitting the door & window & Dahliah shouting my name when it happened. When we got out of the cab, I swear my legs turned soft & my hands were trembling when I called my parents. & I wanted to puke so many times.

I am eternally grateful all 6 of us involved are safe, Alhamdulillah. I was pretty pissed with the P.O who attended to us because of some reasons. This whole thing still shocks me to an extent. I hope all of you people who drive a car or ride a bike to be safe on the roads, PLEASE. It doesn`t matter if you are at a T-junction or expressway or wherever. I can`t express how grateful I am now, really. In my opinion, to escape physically unharmed from accidents is God`s way of giving us ANOTHER chance to live.

It`s like a living nightmare, really. Dahliah, this goes in our BFF history.

but i seem to be struck by you

PARALYZER uploaded by carlosmoralessoria123456789

(:

YOU, AS A SOUND AS SILENT AS NONE

If you ask me why I`m not interested in someone, I might say their nose is too big, or they don`t know how to dress, or they`re too thin or too fat or too plain. But the truth is, I only notice those things because of the real reason -that I`m just NOT feeling anything. But people don't want to hear that. They ALWAYS want an explanation. So I have to come up with something concrete even though feelings aren`t like that. I don`t look for all these things because I`ve accepted the bloody fact that Cupid KEEPS shooting its bloody arrows at me like ALL the time.

IF I do meet a guy and I feel happy with him for whatever reason, I WOULDN`T give a rat`s ass about what he wears or how tall he is or what he does for a living, even if he`s not a policeman(sorry, my fantasy). But when I`m with someone and it just DOESN`T feel right, that`s when I start noticing the bad haircut or bad grammar, every little thing. & it`s true that tomorrow I may be with someone whom you think is TOTALLY wrong for me. & the next day I might meet a perfectly nice guy whom you think I SHOULD feel excited about, but I don`t. But if I do be with someone, it means for a change, something feels right. For a change, I`m feeling hopeful. I just want to feel happy when I`m with someone. IS THAT SO WRONG? & if there`s no someone, then so be it. Really. But Cupid doesn`t get it, at all. & on another note, yes, I`m proud of my sexual orientation & I don`t give a hoot about what YOU, yes particularly YOU, think. I`ve been like this since I was 15 & really, you`ve always had issues about it & I can`t afford to still be giving a damn about it.

Dream, catch me when I fall.

you are the fruit to my loop

To the girl who is my Courage,

Today was eventful, thank you. Know that seeing that spark in your eyes when you laugh is enough to get me through the day. Know that I am grateful for the times I`m able to cry on your shoulder or in your lap. Know that I feel your unconditional love for me when you stroke my hair & wipe my tears. Know that it tugs my heartstrings when you say this,"Why are you so beautiful even when you cry, Fit?". & I know that you say it not to please me but there`s just something about the way you say it that ALWAYS makes me cry harder. Know that I am eternally grateful to have you in my life, yesterday, today & tomorrow. I`ve said this one too many times, but you REALLY are the wonder in everything that`s wonderful in my life (: Things are never quite as scary when you are around. All of these...I just wanted you to know.

From the girl who lights up your world.

i am my own prisoner

365 days have passed & ever since then, there hasn`t been a single day when you`re NOT on my mind or in my heart. I miss you so damn much, it makes me wanna choke on my tears. 05 May is gonna hurt so much more than this. God knows when I will ever heal from these ties that bind me to our past.

Leona Lewis - Better In Time imported by Nikki_x

thought i couldnt live without you

its gonna hurt when it heals too

it'll all get better in time

eventhough i really love you

im gonna smile cause i deserve to

it'll all get better in time

MAYBE U SHOULD SHUT YOUR TRAP

WHAT is wrong with people who spread rumours about you? They probably have some sort of mental disorder, I should think so. The thing is, you don`t even know that idiot. So when people say something like..."Eh Fit, ABC told me that you yada yada yada yada..." Then you go like..."Who the SHIT is this ABC?" & so your friend tells you about this ABC piece of crap & you realise that you don`t know him but he THINKS he knows the world about you. Like...OH WOW, seriously!

The nerves some people have, really! & for the love of mankind, really...it doesn`t mean that I know YOU just because YOUR bunch of friends know ME OR used to see me at the track in TP OR your grandmother`s neighbour`s cat had an out-of-the-world scandal with my neighbour`s cousin`s gardener`s chihuahua. It doesn`t work that way, idiot. HELLO, YOU ARE SO ANNOYING, PLEASE. Like, totally.

que sera, sera

okaaaaaye, random pic!

Fremantle, Perth on 16 Mar 2008 at 1808 hrs

I told my parents what I PLAN to do, say, for the next 3 years of my life. I`ve always had this sort of vision on my future & I`m slowly reaching my goals, Alhamdulillah. There are TWO occupation I`ve always wanted to...do(?) since I was a cute little Fit. HAHA. Yes, that includes being an officer in blue, which I PLAN to retire as (: & to set the record straight, I`ve NEVER wanted to be a doctor OR a housewife. HAHA.

Fulfilling ONE of my childhood ambition is just less than 2 years away, insyaAllah. At times, I have to change the course of my journey in life because we all know that`s just the way it is - we can only plan but God decides everything & who are we to go against Him, really? I am a firm believer in fate & destiny, in Qada` & Qadar.

I`m really thankful that my parents are supportive of my planned decision, even if it means I`m 49834729837498 miles away from home, based in Abu Dhabi OR Dubai OR flying around every few days. To me, everything gets a little simpler when you`ve got the blessings of your parents.

Okaaaaye for now, let`s step back into the present & get ready for school in a whileeeeee.

make love, not war

It makes you soooooo unhappy YET you fall out with people who used to matter soooo much to you. I wanna say more but I know better NOT to.

of meadows and green flowers in my head

I need another form of escapism, really. I`ve always been in & out of space. That`s just how I am, always in transitions. I know that I need to be okaye for myself & for everyone else but I`m just gonna take my own time. & the world knows that TIME isn`t ALWAYS a Band-Aid.

Sometimes, I run back to how it all began because there`s that allaying sense of familiarity despite your current absence in my life. I remember our moments of love, lust, madness, our tears of joy & sorrow & everything there was to us. More often than not, I miss you more than I should.

Everything changes, sometimes in our favour & sometimes not. This takes time, but God willing, I`m gonna be okaye. Slowly but surely.

At least I had every fibre of your being & the love in your heart, if only for a while. Everything`s gonna be okaye. Oh how many times have I said this? I am gonna be okaye. Nothing but divine intervention is gonna stop me from being fine. & given TIME (what`s new, really), this won`t scare me SO much. I`m a mess at times but I`m a firm believer in myself & hope & a better tomorrow.

On another note, I think there`s just something about Yael Naim`s voice & songs that make me wanna float. I get so dreamy it makes me dizzy, in a good way.

I picture myself holding the greatest green balloon ever, in a long, frilly white dress with my face so pale, it exudes such unimaginable placidity, it hurts you. Such tranquility..Mmm... & I have green flowers in my hair, like a mini wreath on my head. Mmm... & when you look up at the sky, all you can see are specks of green & I`m all the waaaaay up there in the clouds..You can`t see me smile from where you are but you know that I`ve got the widest smile plastered on my face...because I`m happy up there......Can you conjure that image in your head? Mmmmm.

Anywaaaaay, she did a cover of Britney`s Toxic & it`s so good it`s haunting.

of love at the playground

I wanna be a jumper so that I can teleport to Canning Vale right now.

Sch commenced on Tue & too bad I didn`t find any notes outside the LT. You know, somewhere along the lines of 'Dear students, there`s no lesson today. It`s all an April Fool`s joke! Happy April, kids!' or something. FAT HOPE. Ahh, delusions delusions. So yes, there WAS a lesson. ZOMGGGGGG. I`ve got a Logistics module this semester. (EWWWWWW, Operations & Total Quality Management, EWWWW). Le sigh. I`ll try my best to love it. God, give me strength to endure this crap wonderful subject.

(:

visits from the past

Okaye yes, friends, it`s official. I`m on 3 dates this week with 3 different guys. It`s retarded, considering the fact that 2 of them happen to be people I used to have something going on with 2-3 years ago. & 1 is an ex-boyfriend I`ve not exactly hold (held?) a proper conversation with for the past 1.5 years because we ALWAYS, ALWAYS bicker once we start talking, but he`s such a sweetheart, really & I`ve already promised to be nice & bite my tongue &&&&& keep my comments to myself. Anywaaaaay, just don`t comment much & wish me all the best. I don`t quite know if I WANT to do this. Let`s just do this for the sake of it & maybe for ... fun? Okaye. For ... fun. Better without the question mark. For the next 3 days, I`m gonna have to worry about what to wear.

boys

"KAKAK FITRI, LOOK I`M STRANGLING ANIQ!"



"KAKAK FITRI, loook!! I am strangling Danish!"




Makes me :D each time I look at them. Dan has a thing for strangling people. HAHA.



"WHAAAAAT? NO, I DON`T!"

(:

freefall

& after all these weeks of escapism, I realised that TIME & DISTANCE just won`t change certain things. There`s just something about being back in Singapore that depresses me, really. It`s almost April already. 1 April 2007 was the beginning of madness. & the event that followed 10 days after. Look where we are just one year later. It still breaks my heart so much, it really does. & truth is, right now I just wanna be back in Perth. There, I experienced a different lifestyle I`m comfortable with, I learnt to forget everything. I learnt to forget you. I learnt to forget us. Call me a coward for running away so far, I can`t quite care much. If I had the chance, I`d run away further.

hoooome

GUESS WHO`S BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK :D

Touched down at about 2110 last night on board SQ 226 &&&& headed to Popeyes immediately. Thank God I went & returned safe & sound (:

Perth was orgasmically fabulous, trust me. I had heaps of fun & memories that last a lifetime. Thank you Cik Kam, Cik Ati, Yasmin, Amirul, Aunty Siti Joh, Uncle Joh, Daniel, Aunty Siti Amran, Uncle Amran, Danish, Khairun, Nenek Salbiah for being really hospitable. HAHAHA. Will blog more about stuff in the next few days. &&&&&& guess whaaaaat, I met the love of my life #2 (:



Everyone, meet Daniel Juhasz (pronounced as Yu-haz)



Match made in Heaven, I know (;


Coz it's nine in the afternoon and

Your eyes are the size of the moon

You could coz you can so you do

We're feeling so good

Just the way that we do

When it's nine in the Afternoon

from me to you

Here I am, all alone in the Departure Hall, my heart`s racing, God knows why. My flight`s departing at 0110.

Thank you everyone, for your well wishes. God willing, I`ll be back home in a month`s time. My heart is heavy to leave my loved ones back here but they know they`ll constantly be in my prayers though we are thousands of miles apart.

I`ve planned something for some of my loved ones & I hope they won`t cry or tear when they receive it.

Thank You, God, for Your eternal love is the guiding force in my life.

Thank you to Mum & Dad for this trip, for your endless love & for being MY parents.

Thank you to friends, who`ve always been there in my times of weakness & strengths. Thank you for endless concern & never ending love.

Thank you to everyone who`s touched me in more ways than one. Thank you & see you, insyaAllah.

I know, it`s a month only, but like I`ve said, I totally suck at goodbyes. Here`s an 'I LOVE YOU' to everyone (: Please take care.

la la la la la la la

This is a happy end, come and give me your hand, I'll take you far away.

Okaye I can`t quite believe myself. I am ALREADY in the holiday spirit but truth is, I actually have 2 more stinking papers to sit for. Okaye I just can`t help it, right? Everything`s just falling into place & I can`t help but smile insanely alot these days (: &&&& I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY CAN`T WAIT FOR MADNESS IN PERTH WITH IDA, HANNAH & NAZRUL & the cute Aussie kids my sister has been going on & on about. I know Perth can be pretty dead & boring, but heck. When you put 4 absolutely fun people together in a dead place, you`re bound to have truckloads of fun because....we can bring the house down anytime, baby!

ANYWAYYYY, DOESN`T THIS SONG MAKE YOU GUYS HAPPY?! Makes me feel like doing all the silly things I do that make people laugh. HAHAHA. Yes it`s from the MacBook Air ad.

I'm a young soul in this very strange world,

hoping I could learn a bit about what is true and fake.

But why all this hate? Try to communicate.

Finding trust, and love is not always easy to make.


p.s Chantel, thanks a bunch for the sweet text. I miss being insane with you in class already. HAHA. Don`t worry too much about the escaped terrorist, please (: You are so adorable, you know. HAHA.

Okaye everyone let`s go la la la la la la (: Yael Naim owns (:

Day 1

I miss being Fitten. ALOT, ALOT.

leaving on a jetplane

Friday, 22 Feb 2008: THANK YOU JAC, RAQ & SANN for endless insanity, laughter, noise, crankiness, spasm, compliments on my derriere & above all, for love on stressful days.

Efforts to study with them @ Suntec`s Starbucks weren`t exactly fruitful, due to a few factors. But still, I managed to complete another chapter of POM. They said it was 'Fit's Popular Day' because I bumped into so many people I know & here`s sending my misses to them - my favourite flower & my across-the-road-neighbour-whom-I-owe-an-ice-cream-treat, in particular. HAHA :D
______________________________________________________
This week is going to be madness because it`s the commencement of the much dreaded exams. It is ALSO going to be bliss because I`m flying off to Perth for almost a month. I so need a well-deserved break but most of all, to settle some other stuff, of course. I really can`t wait for this trip so that explains why I`ve chosen to leave 8 hours after my last paper ends on 01 Mar. YAY, solo flight again (: I`m actually pretty ecstatic to be departing from T3 for the first time, ever. HAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway, I think there`s just something about leaving home for almost a month. I wouldn`t say I`d be homesick because I`ve been there on my own. Mmm. Still, it gets to me because I`ve never really been a 'goodbye'/'farewell' person, if you get what I mean. God willing, I`ll be fine there. It`s JUST a month, come on (: I haven`t left for real YET. & my grandpa was so cute when he told me to sleep with his shirt when I`m there. 'Kakak kalau malam-malam sejuk, kakak pakai baju Tok lah'. Aww :) HAHA, that got me a little teary. The rest of my family just laughed it off, they know I am my grandfather`s favourite. It comes with being the first grandchild, I think (:

Alright, I`ll TRY to squeeze an entry before I leave on Saturday. I know I`ll miss a whole lot of people, but I`ll carry all of your hearts in mine (: I`ll be back, God willing. & I`ve already promised to call. Okaaaaye... Back to my notes now (:

ADD OIL!!! YAY YAY YAY I LOVE LOVE LOVE P.O.M, M.H.R AND M.A. Let`s reach for more As and Bs this sem, God willing (:

I really feel like dancing in the rain now.