sunny sunshine

I know that the both of you are going through hell right now. So let me make the ride a little better by taking a seat & going through it WITH you. Here`s to madness & better tomorrows.

turtle

15. I know. Shut up -wiggles nose

sleepless in SeattleSimei

perky

Last night, or rather, early this morning, I was pissed, depressed, upset, aggravated, whatever you name it, when I was on Episode 8 & the damn thing stopped halfway. Refreshed the page but nothing happened. ARGHHHHHHHH. Found out from Iylia that they`ve taken the page down :(

But but but but but I just checked it again & YAY the page is now up! (: I can watch all 27 episodes now (: Yea, THIS was the salvation I was talking about. Haha. The website, itself.

Anyway, I`m looking forward to the JB trip later becoz I want Dunkin Donuts :D

forever lost

There`s a part of me that hopes you`ll never read this, because if you do, it means that you`ve discovered some other mistakes I`ve made in my life. & while I try to set those mistakes right, I know that I`ll never be able to regain your trust. It tortures me to think that I`ve ever caused you moments of pain. But I know I have. I only hope that you can find it in your heart, your heart which is far better & purer than mine, to forgive my sins, because despite my mistakes & airs, I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU. I have always treasured your love. & no matter what mistakes I have made and the pain those mistakes have caused, I know I`ve done at least one right thing in this life. & that was to fall in love with you.

prying eyes

and all of a sudden i`ve become a hit. 7 out of 10 people who view me are linked to him. girls & guys alike. & that includes his ex gf`s current boyfriend. Like hello? Hmmm? Is there something i`m missing or don`t know about? I`m not gonna read much into this but it`s just a tad annoying.

lifetime piling up

This changes everything.

bandaid for bullet holes

Be harsh on yourself but don`t be unforgiving -Raq

Thank you, Raq for that & for believing in me.

& thank you Iylia, for ears & company at ungodly hours & sometimes for bearing with my sobs over the phone.

& thank you to the one who held my heart, for the many subtle lessons in life, heartbreaks and... for love.

but most of all, Thank You, the Most Exalted, for forgiveness, mercy, compassion & blessings. It is in Your unconditional love for us Your creation, that I gather true strength in my darkest hours.


So now pucker up & hold your head up high, Fit. The best has yet to come.

i waited 2 days

Salvation. Like finally.

coz you & i both loved

Hit the sack early, maybe at 0045. The night was horrible. I hated it. You know that feeling when you`re bent over the damn toilet bowl at 3 in the morning, purging like fuck & crying at the same time, that you realise you are one of the WORLD`S GREATEST WRECK. I could feel those damn mussels & scallops swimming out of my throat. I sat down on my bed for the longest time after that till I arrived at a conclusion. God we both mentioned it so many times. Yea, i w s t b t o. & i guess it hurts a great deal because we meant what we said, it wasn`t some sweet nothings or shit like that.

Oh, but at often times those words get tangled up in lines

And the bright light turns to night

Oh, until the dawn it brings

Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me


I need all the gummybears in the world right now. & someone please just drill it in my head to stop living in the past.

of cancer sticks, love, you, me, tears, and aching hearts

I felt so safe in your arms, love. I needed to do/say/cry about everything & you were there. Thank you for your heart, ears & presence. Thank you for holding my hand when we crossed the road & for allowing me to lose myself but stopping me just in time before it all got worse . Thank you for your embrace & kisses on my head. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for tissue paper & your delicate fingers on my face. Thank you for driving me to important places like ECP, Boardwalk, his secret place, my secret place, block 150, the top level of TM etc.. Thank you for holding me tight at each place & not saying anything, just allowing me to have my moment. Thank you for not telling me to be a crybaby. Thank you for LOVE & HOPE & SECURITY. I`m sorry for wetting your sleeves, though. I`m sorry it caused you pain to see my swollen eyes & hear my sobs.

Sayang you aplenty, you beautiful girl. Now, tell me what it`s like to feel like this?

I feel like doing a magic act.

like 6 in the morning

Urgh. That 3-hour phone call with the 2 idiotic girls killed me. I couldn`t understand their jokes AT ALL, & i don`t know why. You know how it is with me & jokes. So yes, I took a much longer time to process them all just now. So yes okaye, I took like forever. Suffice to say I still don`t get them. My fricking chest & cough are keeping me up all night. I`m starting to wheeze, which is not good AT ALL, which means my bronchitis has made its grand entrance once again. FOR SURE. Urgh. I really should start watching what I eat AND drink. I probably need to make my way to the clinic AGAIN later or something. Anyway, yeah, I`m not a supergirl. I`d like to think I am, but it`s evident that I`m not soooo fuck the tears lah. I finally succumbed to them because of. . . . You don`t need to know why. I so need to go back to Zzzz now.

i don`t know

what SLEEP is already. I slept at 2100 till 2230. Woke up every few minutes, I swear & finally at 2225 or something, i was like is it morning already? Mum saw me, I showed my cranky out-of-bed face... yes another bad habit of mine.. anyway...she went like go back to sleep, kak. I was like uh. & okaye so here i am. totally awake. sigh. anyway mental note to self, NO MCDONALDS for a WEEK.

i want a Fairy Godmother

I wish you knew how I carried you with me everywhere I went today.

NJ, sometimes I don`t think you realise how beautiful you are to me. But forgive me, beautiful person, I`ve gotta move you to the back of my mind :(

speak no feeling, no i don`t belive you, you don`t care a bit, no you don`t care a bit

God I can`t stand myself. I can NEVER hate anyone because I`m a sucker who forgives others easily yet I`m forcing myself to hate that one person I`ve always loved. What the hell. FIT YOU ARE SUCH A/AN ^#%$$#^%&^#$%&$%, SERIOUSLY.

Please just fucking forgive me. & for the last time, I wish you could comprehend that MY anger has to go somewhere & despite the words I`ve said & the way I`ve been treating you, I STILL do love you. I dont want to be fucking complete strangers with you. I . DO. NOT. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT. TO. But at the same time, I don`t want you to take away my house of dreams. Fuck i think we are two fucking annoying people who have and love each other but we choose to fucking quarrel our lives away and find hatred. But fuck it all has to end somehow.

Fuck Biz Stats. One day won`t kill, won`t hurt. Secret place calls. i just want to fucking lie down under that damn dirty pavilion this afternoon, play in the sand or something and eat all the ice cream i want. I NEED THIS. & maybe a 5km run in the evening.

PLEASE STOP DRAINING THE LIFE OUT OF ME

Seriously, enough is enough. I don`t fucking understand which part of 'I CAN`T BE BOTHERED' can he NOT get it.

I don`t mean to rub it in Sann`s face, but the way I am now, I`m seriously becoming a Wilson. Sann, you were so damn right. Well, for a start, I HONESTLY don`t give a flying fuck anymore.

for you i bleed myself dry

I meant to blog a happy entry a while ago but well, I guess I`ll save it for some other time because I`m getting a little emo now. The tranquility of the night is getting to me.

Anyway, things haven`t been good for people close to my heart. You know who you are. Here`s a mass hug, sealed with a kiss, from me to everyone. I wish I could steal all of their pain. Oh what I`d give to see them smile again. & for that, I promise to be strong no matter how hard it is. There will always, always be others who have bigger problems & still, they are able to chin up.

It is with all my heart that I send everyone my love, hoping that they`ll always carry my smile with them, for whatever the future may hold. Please just hang in there & never lose your faith :(

bronchitis, my best friend for life

Healthy is OUT. Sick is IN.

Here`s to sleepless nights, laboured breathing(no, not sexy at all) & wheezing.

:(

simpang yesterday, cs today. why do my favourite boys keep bumping into him? why can`t i be the one instead?

fit, i saw nazir today.
fit, i saw nazir again today.

now fit says her head is hurting.



[edit/] i cant believe i have to deal with sandra lim, like 6 days a week. She was so happy she saw my breast in school just now. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

SAVING SANDRA says (12:21 AM):
u are very thoughtful
i love you so.
you are my big dreams.
- spunk says (12:21 AM):
why thank you -does a curtsy
SAVING SANDRA says (12:21 AM):
HAHAHAHA
shut up la
i saw ur breast ok
- spunk says (12:21 AM):
sann i make u smile
SAVING SANDRA says (12:21 AM):
YOU THINK!
- spunk says (12:21 AM):
U ALSO HAVE NEH NEH WAD

SAVING SANDRA says (12:21 AM):
HAHAHAAHA
- spunk says (12:21 AM):
big deal ahhhhhhhh
SAVING SANDRA says (12:21 AM):
but i saw urs naked
as in skin
SAVING SANDRA says (12:22 AM):
nippies
YOU KNOW
- spunk says (12:22 AM):
yay!
SAVING SANDRA says (12:22 AM):
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
- spunk says (12:22 AM):
yay we saw nippies
yay yay yay
SAVING SANDRA says (12:22 AM):
10000000000000000000 points for me
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
FUCK OFF LA
HAHAHAHAHAHA

Sann, I just have to tell the whole world about our retarded convo. But i still love you. I shall be your Miss Lover Lover k? Then we can tease the 'transvestite' in the NUM gay jerseys everyday :D

what could`ve been

I woke up at 0331 to shower. Yes, shower. I know most of you were probably in bed because the rain made it so darn orgasmic to sleep & tuck urself under the sheets. I was asleep but not really. Get what I mean? So I stepped out of the shower & decided to do it, trying to sound as happy & lighthearted as possible & then I sent it. It took every ounce of willpower in me not to cry though I so badly wanted to & every ounce of courage to send it & hope for nothing in return. IF ONLY you knew.

I remember how it happened. How I sat on the table & how the moon was as huge as the Sun. The feeling was so surreal, I`d never trade anything else in the world for it. & the words I whispered after it all, 'I think I love you.' Truth was, I never thought about it because I always knew I did.

Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise. Like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. The belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision, to ignore or simply rise above the pain of the past.

The covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. The celebration, of the chance taken, and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one. Like a team, braced against the tempest of the world. And love… will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality… only an announcement to the world for feelings long held. Promises made - in the sacred space of our hearts.:D

more than you could ever know.

- http://www.bedbugs-bite.blogspot.com/
05 May 2007

Just so you know, I still do. But let`s just face facts, shall we? Truth prevails. I can`t go on living every day in the past. Tomorrow I`ll get over you if I just get through tonight. Moving on does not mean you cease loving someone. I just wanna learn to deal with the pain of not having you anymore.

Fuck la ok. The feelings are still solid but I`m not gonna let it get to me anymore.

my heart is the worst kind of weapon

I DO NOT KNOW.

First it was the dream about the engagement weeks ago. Then last night, about a wedding. I think God is testing me. I tell myself they are nothing but meaningless dreams.

How did I go from turning the corner of possibility to being nothing at all? Time makes feelings fade. Here`s to freedom, tearless nights & not giving a flying fuck about anything anymore. But I don`t know when the bullshit REALLY ends and the truth begins. Whatever.

"This is my 'depressed stance'; when you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this." -Charlie Brown