lie still & think of me

I know what my heart wants to do. I know what it`s telling my damn brain to do. But I fear rejection, I fear a damn lot of things so it`s really clogging up the plumbing & maybe that`s the goddamn problem with me. My fear of UNNECESSARY THINGS/PEOPLE/FEELINGS is really taking over me. & my refusal to do certain things BECAUSE of that FEAR. &&& then, I start calling Afiq & Dahliah & Iylia & Aish & tell them & I know what they will say. Follow your heart, listen to your heart, go with your heart. && I know they`re right & it`s ACTUALLY about time I come out of my shell & actually DO it, you know. You see, I`m irritating like that. I need that assurance, that what I PLAN to do is the right thing. But at the end of the day, I can talk to all the 483984304 strangers along Orchard Road & they`ll probably tell me the same thing but it all boils down to me. It`s times like these I miss the i-don`t-give-a-flying-fuck Fit. God knows where she went. I love myself a damn lot but I`m starting to piss myself alot with all these negativity that`s been going on for the past 2 months. & i REALLY should stop whining now because we all know I can whine FOREVER.

Okaye, & dear God, please make me accomplish my 'mission' today because it means a great deal to me because it concerns my favourite couple & I love them too much to see them apart. So, please, God, please.

i wanna run away

Out from Under - Bratz OST

Breathe you out

Breathe you in

You keep comin back to tell me

You're the one who could have been

In my eyes, I see it oh so clear

It was long ago, and far away

But it never disappears

I try to put it in the past

Hold onto myself and so look back

I don't wanna dream about

All the things that never were

Maybe I can live without

When I'm out from under

I don't wanna feel the pain

What good would it do me now

I'll get it all figured out

When I'm out from under

[from under][from under][from under]

So let me go

Just let me fly away

Let me feel the space between us

Growing deeper and much darker every day

Watch me now

And I'll be someone new

My heart will be unbroken

And it will open up for everyone but you

Even when I cross the line

It's like a lie I've told a thousand times

I don't wanna dream about

All the things that never were

Maybe I can live without

When I'm out from under

I don't wanna feel the pain

What good would it do me now

I'll get it all figured out

When I'm out from under

[from under][from under][from under]

And part of me still believes

When you say you're gonna stick around

And part of me still believes

We can find a way to work it out

But I know that we tried everything we could try

So let's just say goodbye forever

I don't wanna dream about

All the things that never were

Maybe I can live without

When I'm out from under

I don't wanna feel the pain

What good would it do me now

I'll get it all figured out

When I'm out from under

I don't wanna dream about

All the things that never were

Maybe I can live without

When I'm out from under

i can`t stand this

I don`t understand a lot of things about the people in my life & their relationships.

1) I don`t understand why the both of you have to bicker like that after all the 5 years you`ve been together.

2) I don`t understand why you PRETEND to NOT need each other when truth is, you know you are just gonna die without the other person.

3) I don`t understand why you can`t put your egos aside.

4) I don`t understand why people are willing to throw their love away just like that, after all the time they`ve spent together & the effort they`ve put into the relationship. like dammit, other people out there spend a fucking lifetime searching for someone & you throw away what you already have.

5) I don`t understand why you can`t see that as we get older, relationships hold greater meaning, like for the love of God, we aren`t in secondary school anymore.

6) I don`t understand why something so negative like pride & ego have to get in the way of something so pure & divine called love.

7) I don`t understand why you are like that.

8) I don`t understand why you can`t be the one who`ll pick up the damn phone for the last time ever to make things work.

9) I don`t understand why something so small should be blown into a big issue.

10) I don`t understand how you can scream at each other & how hatred can develop in a matter of seconds, overshadowing all the love that you`ve had all these while.

11) I don`t understand why people have to stay mad at each other for so long. Don`t they realise that life`s too short, way too meaningful & fragile to be pissed with each other?

12) I don`t understand everything behind all the facade. I DON`T MOTHERFUCKING UNDERSTAND.

13) I don`t understand why you can`t kiss & make up & be a stronger couple & in the many years to come, you`re gonna look back and laugh & be so thankful you still have each other despite all the shit that`s happened.

I don`t understand why you can`t understand that I AM DYING TO BE IN ALL OF YOUR SHOES. I listen to ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS, ALL OF YOUR WORRIES BECAUSE you are my friends & because I fucking care but I wish you guys would stop killing each other like this because here I am, wishing so motherfucking badly for my lost love to return to me someday, God knows when, & there you people are, developing animosity by arguing so damn much. I am dying to be in your positions, to be arguing with Nazir because I miss him so damn much & I wish you guys would understand what it feels like to not be able to feel ANYTHING. & most of all, I don`t understand why I`m trying to even understand all these. God will save us all.

loml togicel indeed

Because after all these months, I still do & the little girl in me has never given up on hope. I`ve become a firm believer in God, miracles & everlasting hope. I`ve also learnt that I should not deprive someone of HOPE, because it may be all that they have. I`m trying to find myself as a person, sometimes that's not easy to do, you know.

blood

we are all waiting for that 1am phonecall. i hate to say this but i miss her already.

call me Mrs Radcliffe

I caught December Boys online. & I watched it TWICE because my favourite boy`s in it (: Oh Dannypoo, you`re the third hottest guy in my list. & on a different note, THANK YOU my favourite faggot for today (:

it doesn`t get any easier

Things are not making sense & the little girl in me gets frightened all over again, it`s like she just wants to curl under her blanket & shut her eyes.

all for you

Being with you in your moments of sorrow beats all the fun I know I`ll have clubbing tonight. So forget clubbing, I`ll be with you. Tonight is all about you & me. & there`s no where else I wanna be than with you. A friendship that`s as special as ours can only grow better through the years. So dry your tears, wash up & put on your green sweater. We`re gonna go for coffee, spend the night out & be litle girlfriends in green today (: Miss Fit`s no saviour but she`ll try to put a smile on your face.

because i`m back

HELLO all! (:

Well, I`m back, duh. Missed me much? HAHA. Flights to & fro were extremely turbulent, perhaps the most turbulent rides I`ve ever experienced in my entire life but I`m grateful everyone`s back home safe & sound (: Bali was awesomeeeeeeeee with 1000000 Es but oh so hot. I`ve got uneven tanlines & I`m probably a shade darker. Will upload the pics & blog more about it soon enough. & OH MY GOD, THE SUNSET IS ORGASMICALLY BEAUTIFUL, I SWEAR. It`s so so so so so so so so so beautiful that it can make you tear.

I seriously hope everyone is doing fine (: I`m doing good except that I sound really sexy haha because I`ve got a really bad phlegmy cough to nurse. Must be all that heat & one too many Es Soda Gembira.

ANYWAY, down to business now. In no order...

Thank you Iylia for waking up at 5-ish in the morning just to send me a goodbye msg (: Member moment sekejap because he said he`ll miss me. HAHA. IYLIA, I MISSED YOU BUT NOW I`M HOME SO IT`S GONNA BE HARD FOR YOU TO HEAR ME SAY 'I MISS YOU' THOUGH I DO (:

Thank you Raqiah for replying to my msgs at 5 before & I leave & for sending other msgs EVERY SINGLE DAY while I`m gone. You are such a darling you know that?

Thank you Dahliah for that goodbye msg & for simply being my BFF & pillar of strength. Here`s to 10 years of friendship.

Thank you Sufi for your well wishes. My apologies for not replying your texts.

Thank you Afiq for your msg. Hope you had fun in Jakarta & see you soon, buddy!(:

Thank you Aish for your msgs as well. I can`t wait to read your entries in my green notebook.

Thank you Frente, Hafiz, Zul, Andrew, Jboy & every single one of you I can`t remember all, who`ve texted me on my mobile or Friendster or emailed me. I`m not trying to act like some superstar but I got all those texts & msgs simply because I have wonderful friends who care & you don`t, so suck that! (:Thank you for your prayers & well wishes. I truly appreciate them.

Okaye Miss Fit is back but has to leave again tomorrow night for Malacca. I`ll be back on the 22nd! To all my Muslim friends, have a meaningful & blessed Hari Raya Haji. & to everyone else, take care! (:

& if there`s one thing I`ve learnt about myself from this trip, it`s gotta be my hidden penchant for ..... NVM, let it be a secret ;p

because i`m leaving

My flight`s in less than 6 hours, I`m leaving & I should be happy.

But I`m not because I feel as though something`s telling me I shouldn`t leave.

To my fav girl, I know you`re going through a stormy period, but you`ll be strong for me. Remember our pact. If you feel like crying, let it all out. When you miss me, write it all in the green notebook I`ve given you & imagine it`s me by your side, remember all the ways I`ve made you smile & laugh.

It is with all my heart that I send everyone else my love. Be good, take care & most of all, please DON`T await my return.

not quite ok

It`s just not the same when you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face when you know you lied yourself to sleep to make it better.

gg

because sometimes you have something you need to say but you can`t because the words won`t come out or you get scared or you feel stupid, so if you could write a song & sing it then you could say what you need to say & it would be beautiful. & people would listen & you wouldn`t make a complete idiot out of yourself. BUT all of us can`t be songwriters so some of us will NEVER be able to say what we`re thinking or what we want other people to know that we`re thinking so we`ll never get the chance to make things right EVER again.


On a different note, WHAT EXACTLY IS HER DAMN PROBLEM?

bon voyage

i just can`t wait to leave. 3.

i call this love

I AM DESPERATE. FOR. SLEEP. ARGHHHH.

I barely had enough last night because the kids were creating such a din even at 1am. But then again, who sleeps at sleepovers, right? My cousins from Perth, Amirul & Yasmin, are here for a month`s holiday & stayed overnight at our place. There`re 2 of them, so that`s perfectly fine with me. & Amirul`s Aussie accent is really cute & he seriously looks more & more like Utt. I`m not making this up! AND THEN, my OTHER little cousins came over at 9pm & all of us had ONE BIG DINNER. Oh trust me on this. My mum`s not much of a cook but she kept frying stuff every few minutes yesterday in preparation for the dinner. I was like 'Wow. How come you don`t cook like this everyday?' . HAHAHA. She looked at me & I was chased out of the kitchen...with a ladle. HAHAHAHA.

So yes, at 1am, the boys in the other room were talking about God knows what, with Amirul in singlet & shorts, complaining about the weather every few minutes though the temp in the room was 19 degrees. & then little Naufal, running into the girls` room every few seconds, climbing up & down the double-decked bed. God, where do these kids get ALL the energy from? HAHAHAHA.

So yes, in the end, everyone went to sleep & little Naufal slept next to me half-naked in the end. HAHAHA. Aww, he likes me! It`s REALLY hard to put kids to sleep. & this morning, my mum woke the boys up for the soccer match & found Amirul in his undies ONLY. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. & he was like, "it`s so panas, cik nana". & well, I`m certain he enjoyed 'swimming' as well because my brother who slept next to him wet the bed (yes, he still does it though he`s almost 12). HAHAHAHAHA. It`s insane, I tell you. & I bet we are all gonna have so much fun in Malacca during Hari Raya Haji coz we are gonna have a BBQ at my grandpa`s place. Oh yes, a combination of 8 families! (: Though we`re gonna miss my uncle (he`s away), Riotgrrlz (i wish you didn`t have to work) & Ayie (he`s in Egypt studying medicine for 6 freaking LONG years, yes, this one`s a future doctor), I so can picture screaming kids, lots of laughter & love (: & not forgetting, the smile on my grandpa`s face. HAHAHAHAHA. That one`s a classic. He loves it when his children & grandchildren gather at the house.

& tonight, i`ve got to go to the chalet. You know what this means? NOT MUCH SLEEP. AGAIN. Yes, you guessed that right. So clever (: I`m enjoying every moment for now. HAHAHAHA.

an ordinary day that`s hurting you

First things first, I extend my sincere condolences to Shiqa & family on the death of her beloved cousin in the fateful accident. Shiq, you know my sister is ALWAYS there for you so ring her up if you ever need anything.

On a different note, I`m finally done setting up my private blog. I don`t really think there`s really such a thing as PRIVATE blog, considering this is the www. No prizes for guessing what the address is because it`s way too similar to the one nazir & me shared which only means no one knows except the both of us. & I`ve got no intentions of telling anyone about it. I`ve been wanting to do it & well, I guess the time has arrived. I`ll still be here but I guess the more heartfelt entries will be there. There are just certain things I can`t blog about here. I don`t know. Whatever.

I`m so tired. Last night just drained the life out of me & my eyes are hurting. Bye.

then live the rest of our lives but not together

why oh whyyyy

i saw it. okaye how very disappointing but whatever lah. as if i`m not used to this. 'NABEI CHEEBONGZ' out loud like 5 times & felt A LITTLE better. Ha. Sorry cheap thrill lah. gaaaah. i think my i-don-`t-give-a-flying-fuck days are gonna make a return. & i think i need to 'NABEI CHEEBONGZ' out loud AGAIN. DISAPPOINTING LA FUCK. understand or not? URGH.

a girl like you

Thank you for cups of hot Milo with HUGE marshmellows, for singing & dancing & twirling to this song over & over again, for laughter on the bed, ears, tears & most of all, thank you for your love on a rainy day (:

I wanna grow old with you, my favourite girl. You bet I do.

if only you knew

Wet. It hasn`t rained for so long but today it`s been pouring ALL morning & afternoon & it just keeps getting heavier. Started raining the moment I woke up around 9 plus. I know this sounds corny but I really think the sky is feeling for me. Well, today`s the 5th which means...it`s SUPPOSEDLY the 7th month for us. & it just HAD TO rain, didn`t it? Sigh. It`s as if the sky is weeping because it COULD HAVE BEEN a very happy 7th, the celebration of two hearts in love but unfortunately not. & I`ve not teared so much for so long & trust me, I`ve TRIED not to think ANYTHING along the lines of love, anniversaries, kisses, letters in bottles ...basically just everything Nazir. There`s just something about today. It`s like Flashback Day or something. Like back to Day 1 kinda flashback. & it just makes me miss you more than ever, every single thing about you. It`s....depressing, because you`re just not gonna come back anymore. & I hate that.

IF ONLY YOU READ THIS, IF ONLY YOU KNEW. IF ONLY.

I know you may fall in love while you`re out there. I`m well aware of this. She`ll be great. She`ll do all the things I never had an interest in. She`ll hate all the things that you hated about me. She`ll be perfect. Just don`t ever tell me about her, okaye? Let me down gently yet cold. Make me not want to talk to you EVER again. Because I can barely handle not being with you, & I don`t know what it would do to me if I knew you loved another.


You know what? I think life doesn`t hurt until we realise how much things have changed, who we`ve lost, & how much of it was our own fault. & just because it`s the truth doesn`t mean that it doesn`t fuck you up inside. I`ve made GRAVE mistakes but they`re no longer mistakes. They`ve become something different... a choice, an option. It`s either I move on OR I stay like this for the longest time. & I get so frustrated thinking about what I ought to do because I want no other damn person to touch & love me the way he did. God knows how damn hard it has been.

You know, I don`t know why but I feel pretty sick right now & it`s best if I go. Here`s to what could have been. happy 7th.

Goodbye.


[edit] it`s like 1627 now & it`s still raining & it doesn`t look like it`ll stop anytime soon. So weird. The sky IS sad for me, I guess. Ha. [/edit]

here we go AGAIN

you know, i THOUGHT this wasn`t supposed to happen to me because I`m free from the shackles of 29th Dec AND considering the number of multi-coloured pills(pink, white, blue, yada yada yada..seems like ALL the colours EXCEPT green, can u believe it?) i have to pop EVERY SINGLE DAY because of it & goddammit it`s fucking torturous. I am going to cry tonight because of my tummy AND my stools. & maybe it`ll be a good idea if i sleep in the toilet tonight. Gah.