solitude

I miss you already :( 4 days shy :'(

lovestruck

I almost wanted to jump off the bike when Nazir passed me an envelope, which obviously contained a letter for me.

& on that darn envelope, Nazir had intentionally SCRIBBLED(his handwriting is HORRENDOUS, i tell you) ----> Fat,Fet,Feet,Fish,Fiat,Fit

-.-"

Okaye so yesterday we finally met after 4 days. It was insane. & I managed to piggyback him on an upslope, with my huge bag & his helmet on the both of us & walked a distance of 0.03m or so. HE IS HEAVYYYYYYY. HAHAHAHAHAHA (;

It starts in my soul

And I lose all control

When you kiss my nose

The feelin shows

Cause you make me smile

Baby just take your time

Holdin me tight

Okaye, & to all u people who texted me or called me to tell that u guys saw him on TV on Gen Ex on Tuesday, & thinks he`s good looking, thank u very much for that compliment. That`s all God`s gift to him. so yes, so that`s my bf who can`t pwonounce 'R', sorry I mean, pRonounce. & to Iylia & Syed, u guys are gay bastards. HAHAHA. Syed was actually gushing about how handsome Nazir is & is even thinking of going MOS tonight to catch Nazir`s performance later. HAHA.

okaye i`m seriously crapping alot now. & me being a durian addict, despite my phlegmy cough and the fact that it`s 11.17AM & i haven`t had my lunch, i`m gonna feast on some durians in the fridge. No, the durians are in the fridge. i`m not eating them IN there.

HAPPY WEEKENDS! (:







L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only I see

V is very, very extraordinary

E is even more than anyone that you adore

- L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole

la vie en rose

Look what I found on YT! (: Refer to my post below, point #8. This is the scene I was talking about (: Watch it!

This is indeed my FAVOURITE movie of all time, though it`s pretty vulgar in certain parts. It`s a French movie afterall (:

getting to know me

Something silly to kill my boredom & also coz I was tagged by Mag, like on the 18th & i`m only doing it now coz I just read her blog. HAHA.

Rules of the game: Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly.

1) According to my mum, I was named after an Indonesian runner, sprinter or long d. runner, idk. & it turns out that yes, I lived up to my name when I was in track. but i wasnt in track just coz of my name la. HAHA. But when I googled that runner, I couldn`t find her. HAHA.

2) I am a Parselmouth like Harry Potter. HAHA. okaye no. I have an ability to speak normally but it`s not words that come out. It`s some nasal funny funny sound. & if any blind people were to read my lips, they`d still understand but not for mute people coz all they hear is some annoying nasal sound yet i`m mouthing words. Nvm, if you don`t get what I`m trying to say. HAHA. But everyone gets annoyed when I do that. HAHAHAHA. & just for the record, i can ALSO speak normally. HAHA.

3) I spend ALL MY LIFE preventing mucus from dripping down my nose. Coz I have sinus & i`m thinking of going for treatment. coz IT IS EXTREMELY ANNOYING. So my nose is always dripping WET. Each day, I sneeze like, 494572394703482 times. HAHAHAHAHA. But it gets me away from housework like vacuuming, sweeping & especially dusting. YAY. Coz i ALSO have sensitive nose. HAHAHAHA. Anyone who hits my nose, intentionally or not, pisses me off BIG time. Coz after that, I sneeze insanely and turn like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.

4) I have sweaty palms AND feet. Sometimes I hate shaking hands with people, and my exam papers get kinda wet, but not very bad. & I used to think I won`t have any bfs coz I was afraid no bf of mine would wanna hold my hands. But ALL of them so far have adopted an 'it`s okaye' attitude. HAHA. But when my hands are dry, they can be very dry. See, i`m full of flaws! HAHA. But it`s okaye (:

5) My late grandma used to call me 'PUTRI' which means princess, in Malay. She couldn`t pronounce 'FITRI' so PUTRI it was. HAHA. & yes, my dad thinks I can be such a bratty princess at times. HAHA.


6) My fav online word? 'HAHA'. When chatting with people & in doubt, i always HAHA. but then again, even when NOT in doubt, i HAHA alot. & u can count the number of HAHAs in my online convos, & u won`t have enough paper. Most of the time, my HAHAs are just unnecessary. HAHA. Example:

Friend: Hi Fit. Have u eaten?
Me: HAHA. yes.

Friend: Why u HAHA?

lol. HAHA.

7) I love Indie music. Indie pop. Indie rock. Indie whatever. Most of the songs in my mp3 are indie or alternative. But truth is, WHEN I`M BORED, i`m a loyal fan of ballads at heart. HAHA. Old school ballads, especially. HAHA. Think Westlife, Celine Dion. ARGHHHHH. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. NOTE: WHEN I`M BORED (refer above). HAHAHA.

8) My fav movie is a French movie, Jeux D'Enfants. I first watched it in the plane when I was on my way to I can`t remember where. There was a touching scene when the 2 main characters were frozen in concrete, & they died, embracing each other, with their lips together. & since then, I have always had this DARN SILLY dream to die that way coz I think it`s romantic. So yes, in concrete, with my future husband. HAHAHAHA. Cement, please. HAHAHAHA.

9) I sleep faced down, with a blanket over my ENTIRE body. I don`t care if it`s stuffy or not. i NEED to be UNDER the blanket. Yes, ALL of me under it. HAHA. & I am a rough sleeper who kicks people around in bed. My dearest Zarifah can vouch for that. She ended up being in the space between 2 beds & I had the entire bed to myself. HAHAHAHAHA. & I`m not a girly sleeper. I sleep with my legs apart & if someone sleeps with me, chances are my legs will be on their stomachs, head or wherever. So yes, faced down, legs apart & everywhere, & totally under blanket. HAHA.

10) Last but not least, green is my favourite color. Most of my tops are green & when I have my own house, EVERYTHING will be in different shades of green. Green curtains, green bedsheets, green walls, green couch, green husband. HAHAHA. All green. Everyone, Welcome to Amazon Rainforest. Occupants of the house are the wild monkeys, cheetahs, giraffes, elephants & all the animals in the Animal Kingdom :D HAHAHAHAHA. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.Imbube.Ingonyama ifileI.ngonyama ilele.Thula. HAHAHAHAAHA.

OKAYE THAT`S ALL, FOLKS! (: Hope you know me better now. HAHA. There`s more to me than all the straight from the heart emo entries. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

cry me an ocean

As usual, swollen eyes. 3am & I was still awake & I had to be up at 0700. I went to bed blindfolded, with a face towel because I kept crying & no number of tissue paper seemed sufficient. So the towel, it was. He`s been complaining about lack of slp lately, & i hope he now gets all the sleep he wants without me disturbing. I don`t think i`ll be able to sit in front of the TV & watch him, since he`s appearing on Gen X later at 7.30pm. I can`t bring myself to do that.

Orientation was alright, the usual. So many things I wanted to tell him, but can`t. Keep telling myself, no, cant msg, cant call, don`t do it.

i want to tell him dat i had a great time just now, that my class is not that big but the ppl are friendly

i want to tell him dat there are only 2 malay guys in my class and he doesnt have 2 worry about me falling for them and vice versa.

i want to tell him that i`ve not made friends with all the Malay girls in my class.

i want to tell him that there are good-looking guys but none as close as him.

i want to tell him i made friends with a girl from Myanmar whose English name is Aqua & that i had to stifle my laughter wen she told me that & i had to keep asking whether that really is her name coz she speaks like she has marbles in the mouth and i even made her spell it.

i want to tell him how irritated I got when everyone keeps asking me if I`m Chinese or Eurasian or Indian or Moroccan or Danish or Polish. Okaye kidding, just Chinese or Eurasian.

i want to tell him that till september, all my lessons end at 1230 everyday & i can still meet him when he`s not working, that we don`t have to meet once a week as planned.

i want to tell him that I`m likely to join the track team again, or maybe ODAC.


you see, many things i want to gush about & tell but i can`t anymore. & there were instances when I forgot. & for a moment just now, i thought i almost had him back. but. . ..

P.S Thank you, Nisa, for the e-mail.

i thought wrong

NOTE: EXTREMELY LENGTHY

I thought we got over those petty quarrels. I thought the Sun was on my side, shining brighter than ever. I thought everything was fine. I thought I won`t cry again. But I thought wrong.

It always seems just as soon as things are going good, just as soon as life takes a turn for the better or best, everything goes wrong, gets lost, & confused & all messed up. & then you crash & just have to sit there coz you don`t have the strength to get up.

Do you know what it`s like to reach for the phone, and then have to pull your hand back because you remember you're not supposed to call or msg anymore? You sit back with tears building up in your eyes because you know it`s not the last time you`ll miss the conversations you shared. You will miss them everyday, everytime, every breathing moment.

I think the loudest silences are the ones filled with everything that`s been said. Said wrong, said 4598394 times. Until fighting becomes the condition rather than the exception and suddenly, without you even knowing it, it turns into the language of the relationship and your only option is a silent retreat to mutual corners.

& yes, maybe you`re right, maybe I`m being overdramatic, maybe I`m blowing this up into something much bigger than it is because I`m feeling sorry for myself, but why the hell not, huh? Why the hell can`t I feel like this, and whether it`s true or not, it certainly feels true right now. And it feels like shit. And oh my God, I`m never going to wake up & read his messages again. And oh my God, I`m never going to look into his eyes as we're about to kiss, and oh my God, he`s going to be doing that with someone else, and probably very soon, or maybe not, and me? I`m going to be on my own for the rest of my bloody life.

It is so unbearable, & it`s like this feeling of being uncomfortable in my own skin, and it`s like I have to keep busy coz if I stop, even for just one minute, all I can think about is how badly I hurt him and how badly I got hurt.

The unqualified truth is that, when I loved him with the love of a woman, I loved him simply because I found him irresistible. Once and for all, I knew to my sorrow, often & often, if not always that I loved him against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. Once and for all, I loved him because I knew it, & it had no more influence in restraining me than if I had devoutly believed him to be human perfection. & I realise this whole paragraph is wrong. It should be in present tense.

We have said 'goodbye' so many times before, but somehow our paths always managed to cross and we ended up in each other`s arms. But now when we said this good-bye I have this feeling that I will never see him again. And that really hurts because everything that we planned just keep coming back to me.

I have written so much about him, so much I thought I knew. Words like water used to flow, now what could I possibly have to say?

My chest is literally tight & it hurts because I`m having a cough. & each time I cough, I feel like puking. Do you get what I mean? I just have the urge to purge. I need to go somewhere. I don`t care if it`s 8.18PM now & I have to be up early for school orientation tomorrow. I just have to breathe. Secret place awaits me. I am going. I will stay for as long as I want.

Deep down, I`m still hanging on, I`m still madly in love with him & I`d give anything in the world to receive a msg or call from him later. It would be nothing short of a miracle if that happens. But what if it doesn`t happen? My pillows will be soaking wet, now that`s for sure.

I`m emo now, I know. But so what, really?

Nazir, if only you knew how much this is killing me.

We were supposed to wake up one day when we`re older, holdin on forever, but we flew past each other.

- jessica andrews, "windows on a train"

meet the parent

I haven`t really been online. Hence, no proper updates. Been busy handling my little babies & my husband. It`s damn tough you know. HAHA. Okaye kidding.

Yesterday I met my future father-in-law. It was a wonderful experience. HAHA. Okaye I`m too lazy to elaborate. Bye bye (:

in love & in lust

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That's what I hope to give you forever.

YAY. I finally chopped my hair off, shortest in years. mmmmm. okaye bt now, i`m itching for it to grow. HAHA. & my bf is whooOOoooOOooooaAaaaaAaaaA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ;)

love of my life

I finished reading Nicholas Sparks' Message in the Bottle on the way to KL. That book touched my heart & in a way, I could relate to the entire story. Well okaye, not entirely. Bits & pieces, here & there.

& I JUST read the entries Nazir wrote for me. Yes, he specially created a blog to pen his feelings & thoughts for/about me while I was away. I felt his every word. I keep reading them over & over again. All 7 entries, each written with love & longing for me.

Just like how Garrett longed for Catherine, in the book. & there were certain parts of Nazir`s entries which hit me real hard, just like how the book touched me. The same feelings. Exactly the same.

With so many discussions and sleeping 2hours the previous night, i really didn't think of you too much fit. And i'm glad i didn't.I feel so guilty that i didn't, but i can't. You have to understand, please. I can't do it, i can't live like this without you. I need all these distractions to keep me sane. I can't go tearing up at work, i can't go staring blankly into space.
- 15 June 2007

Garrett`s letters were SOMETHING like that as well, especially the part when he felt guilty that he didn`t think of her, & when I read I cried coz I felt his pain. It did hit me at one point of time, like, would someone say or write those kinda things for me?

So u can actually imagine what I felt when I read the aboved just now, which was what Nazir wrote.

I couldn`t contain my tears any longer. This was the last straw. His entries just touched me in the most extraordinary way. Sometimes someone says something really small & if just fits into this empty space in your heart. & you can feel it settling in there, maybe for the rest of your life.

How am i going to wake up, knowing there's nothing to wake up to? I wish i could just die for a while, or fall asleep and wake up to see your face. Missing you is killing me, it's only when you're gone that i truly know i can't be without you, even though it's only for a while.

- 13 June 2007

Well, I definitely know what will happen to me if he ever leaves. & i`m more than certain you people know it too. Nazir isn`t my boyfriend anymore. He`s my life, my everything. & I`ve never been more certain as to who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

& when we meet tomorrow, there`s no need for words. No need for 'I miss you's. Because the first thing I wanna do is hold him tight & kiss him so hard, & have those butterflies in my tummy again. Each time it just feels like our first kiss. & I so badly wanna look into his eyes. Those eyes which tell me, or rather, scream to me that they`ll never set their gaze on anyone else. But me.

& what do I, Nurul Fitriyanna, think of us? Read on.

If you saw him, you couldn`t see him loving anyone like he does her, a boy who never has anything but a smile on his face when he`s talking to her and how there was no place he would rather be. If you saw her, you would see a girl whose heart melts with the sound of his voice, and smile on his face, a girl who wouldn`t love any other like him, no one can take his place. If you saw them, you would see two people who couldn`t be any happier just being next to each other, two people in love, two people not thinking of another. If you knew him, you would know, he's scared of being with her, he`s afraid of feelings he can`t show. If you knew her, you would know, she doesn`t let that stand in her way, she hangs on for the both of them, no matter what he may say. &, If you knew love, you would see, those two are right for each other, those two are meant to be.

Never said it, but I will. I have found my forever.

We`ve been encountering many downs lately, almost threw everything away. I`m glad, so very glad that despite it all, we are still together, standing stronger than ever. They say true love overcomes ALL obstacles.

it`s your love

Seems like after all we`ve been through, we would have learned by now, never to fight for who gets the last word. It doesn't matter how. But round & round we go in circles, trying to work things out & and sometimes it feels like miles between us, but I keep coming back to you.

i need to know

SO TELL ME. Do spoilt brats make good lovers? Can they be good enough for someone or anyone?

Upset beyond upset. & to think that exactly 2 mths ago, we both laid our eyes on each other. & now, exactly 2 months later, we both can`t quite seem to settle certain issues.

because it hurts

I`m not leaving today, or tonight. But I told him that. I am leaving on Wednesday. & why did I tell him that? Because it hurts. It hurts to not be able to meet when we can. Even for just an hr. I can`t go on. anymore. It hurts.

solitude

Dear God, please :'( i am very very lost now. I just feel like closing my eyes & never ever wake up. Tonight, I hold my hp so dear to me, but deep down I know there won`t be his msgs or calls. It`s only my wishful thinking. You have my ocean of tears. This pain is unbearable.

loml

Apalah nasibku hari ini, kena makan Maggi sebab Ibu ku masak asam pedas dengan sejenis ikan yang aku tak makan.MEE MAGGI CEPAT DIMAKAN, SEDAP DIMASAK. Ikan itu rasa sungguh pelik dan ajaib, membuat ku terjadi gila buat seketika, seperti yang boleh dilihat di gambar yang aku telah terletakkan. Dan aku sungguh tidak faham macam mana diorang yang kat dalam rumah ni boleh telan ikan itu dan makan dengan sedap dan kebahagiaan. Namun apakan daya, aku pun tak tau apa nama ikan tu. Ikan bilis, agaknya.



Dan adik aku yang lelaki tu macam mintak kene sepak sebab dia makan muffin lepas tu dia tak cuci tangan dan terus memegang handphone baru aku untuk bermain permainan yang lompat-lompat tu! Dan kamu semua yang baca entry yang lame nak mampos ni, apesal?

Eh, lapar laaaaaaaa :( Perut ku sudah mula bermain lagu-lagu alunan asli diiringi orkestra melayu, bersama benda-benda seperti gamelan dan biol la. oops maaf, biola.

I WANT NAZIR JAFFAR NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

ticking timebomb

I am currently throwing a hissy bitch fit right now. Firstly, the weather has been such a bitch. I hate walking around perspiring & feeling all sticky. Secondly, I don`t get to meet my bf until the 18th. CAN U BELIEVE THAT?!!!!!!!! HOW MANY DAYS IS THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!!! URGHHHHHHHHH. We could have met today before he works later tonight but he`s down with flu, sore throat & all that nonsense. DOUBLE URGH. I know I should be all concerned and all instead of being a demanding & bitchy gf. BUT I CAN`T HELP IT. It aggravates me. I know he`s pissed with me coz he needs to rest but i`m leaving for Msia on Monday for a week. & I`m not going out this weekend due to some family matters. TRIPLE URGH. Thirdly, I made a trip down to Pasir Ris, more precise would be, down his block where I waited for about 45 minutes, with the intention of meeting him BUT he was sleeping, so I trudged to the bus stop AGAIN under the darn hot sun. 'PISSED OFF' LEVEL hit maximum already.

OKAYE, i`m gonna burst already. I hate being stared at by old uncles, pak ciks, married men pushing strollers & secondary school boys. LIKE SERIOUSLY. I always get stared at by these group of people. Even when I`m out with Nazir, i get stared at. LIKE LITERALLY STARED. & disturbed by secondary school boys. Even random friend requests in my Friendster are from them. I was pissed just now when a Chinese guy in a flashy ,red Mazda wound down his window to say 'Hi, Pretty' when I was waiting for his car to go off so I could cross the road. I mean like, I don`t give a hoot about his flashy car. & just in case you are wondering, I wasn`t skimpily dressed. I was pissed enough that I can`t meet my boyfriend till the 18th.

& last but NOT least, I was pissed when I dropped by Topshop & realised that they ran out of Size 6 tops. LIKE WTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The rest of the sizes are obviously too big for me. So I got the white basic which I stained the other day. I was standing in front of the guy at the cashier, yet he had to literally HOLLER into my face to say 'THANK U SEE YOU AGAIN'. I just showed him a pissed off look coz 1) I was less than 2m away from him 2) I hate to be yelled INTO my face 3) He could have said it nicely, there weren`t many people in there, just me & 2 other girls & when I was at the entrance/exit, he YELLED again, 'THANK YOU SEE YOU AGAIN' AND even waved. This time he was only about 5m away!!!!! #$#$^&^&*%GGFH^#(^& Like okaye, I get it already, u want to see me again -ROLLS EYES. Next time use loudhailer la, idiot.

I`m still pissed. Today is PISS FIT OFF DAY or something. & I`m hungry. So bye bye. & maybe i`ll keep calling my bf to annoy him or something & maybe whine to him, like how I always do best. HAHAHAHA. But you know what? I don`t wanna do that. I wanna tell him how sorry I am for not trying to understand the situation & yes, to tell him that I miss him alot. Sometimes I`m amazed by the things I do & say in my moments of disarray.

uno

Yay. We watched our first sunset together & it was beyond beautiful. & I think there couldn`t have been a better place than the boardwalk to experience it & definitely no other person I`d want to kiss under the sky, but him & I don`t wanna feel the pulsating of another heart against my chest, but his, & no better day to see the setting of the sun than on our first mth together.

We both felt kinda upset when it finally set, as if the Sun took away our happiness as well. There was that ray of light which made u feel as though u can walk on it & it`ll eventually lead you to the sun. Slowly, we watched that ray disappear & saw the first star which appeared. I knew I was overwhelmed by the tranquility & I also knew I almost cried. HAHA.

When the Sun slowly set, the mighty waters was still. So very still. & in my boy`s words, 'even the waters are paying respect to the passing of the sun'. It all just reminds you how great God is. The transition from day to night & how we ALWAYS take for granted that the Sun will rise again the next day. But we`ll never know... we`ll never know what tomorrow brings or whether tomorrow will even come. Will the Sun rise again? We`ll never know.

A heart to heart talk did the both of us good. I allowed myself to be vulnerable when I spoke my mind & poured my heart`s content, all that`s been bugging me, all that`s made me afraid. Especially all that`s been hurting us for the past 2 weeks, we`ve both had our fill of tears & our share of sighs. There were tears & having him wipe them off my eyes & cheeks only made me want to cry more. But I held back. I was contented enough to be in his embrace & have him understand what he really means to me. & for a moment, I only wanted to close my eyes & fall asleep on his lap. I did just that. But I want to do it forever.

Our fears, doubts & uncertainties were pretty much allayed. & we both know that we can never let each other go, that we`ll both just die if that ever happens. It`s not all the time that someone comes my way & loves me unconditionally, making me feel as if his love puts me on a pedestal. I`ve said this before & I`ll say it again - I`ve dated many guys, fallen in & out of relationships, but truly, only God comprehends what`s buried deep in my heart, that who I have now, is who I want to have for the rest of my life. When all our worries fade away, we both know that our love survived. It`s not ALL about the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it`s MORE than that. & I know, I know very well who will always be a part of it all, a part of me, a part of my heart, a part of my soul, a part of my life.

There can NEVER be another.

Our souls were one, if you must know and never shall they be apart; with splendid dawn, your face aglow I reach for you and find my heart.
- Nicholas Sparks, 'The Notebook'

& I wanna be piggybacked again :D



Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older?

Promise me tomorrow starts with you,

Getting high; running wild among all the stars above.

divine

You and I are connected in a way that goes beyond romance, beyond friendship, beyond what we`ve ever had before. It has defied time and changes in ourselves and in our lives, and it has defied every explanation except one, purely and simply, we're soul mates. I can`t explain it. I just feel it.

It`s there in the way my spirit subtly lifts whenever we talk, how the sound of your voice brings me home in a way I can`t explain. It`s in the delight I feel when we laugh at exactly the same things. When I`m with you, it`s like a tiny part of the universe shifts into the place it`s supposed to be & and all is right with the world.

& in each precious moment, my hope is that I`ll do or say something that lets you know that I could never have cherished another as much as I`ve always cherished you.

You know who loves you like no other (:

my heart`s an open book

I caught the much anticipated Shrek 3 with my siblings & I sure enjoyed it a lot. Great movie with great songs, go catch it if you must! (: there was my favourite Damien Rice`s 9 crimes as well (: & i love love love Shrek! (:

Anyway, my burn which has become a blister has finally burst this morning. I have been walking around with a HUUUUUGE bubble on my calf, & religiously applying the burn cream prescribed by the doctor. It felt as if I was waiting for my waterbag to burst or something. HAHA. The anticipation, the fear & whatnots. HAHA. It`s EXTREMELY prickly now :( & i hope it`ll lighten quickly.

Okaye, ntg much to say now. I gotta get ready to go Indoor Stadium for the Police Day Parade since my mummy got the tickets already. I expect to bump into A WHOLE LOT of my parents` friends there. Le sigh. We even have to be formally dressed. So boooooooring & it`s nt as if my bf`s on duty or something. At least if he was, I get to see him in uniform. Sexy. HAHAHA.

& just a random shoutout to Iylia & Syed, thank you for accompanying me on Friday! (: I love you both to pieces.

Okaaaaaye HAPPY SUNDAY! (:

& here`s one of the tracks I love from the movie



Can’t say I’ve felt such twisting
In my heart this way
we pitch a tent & have one sleeping bag
To stay away
Fires burning , softly singing songs
So close to you

Do you believe in love at first sight?
I think you do, we're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my life

(:

Anyway, I have an insane boyfriend who misses me badly & I accidentally fell asleep on him while msging last night, so he sent over 20 plus msgs just to tell me how much he loves & adores me (: & what a silly boy he is, because he wanted me to smile after reading his msgs the first thing I wake up, but I not only smiled, I laughed, frowned a lil & even teared (: HAHA.

& I had a wonderful dream about us! (: I`m looking forward to having him & all our LNs & LFs with torchlights stuffed in underwear on their heads, searching for ghosts in the house. & i`ll prolly be screaming my head off in front of the TV, telling them to stop. HAHAHA (: totally silly. & HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, in a single day, I received 3 similar comments & that is . . . Nazir & me look so alike, we can pass off as siblings. HAHAHAHA (:

that`s the way it is

I told him that our relationship`s just like my calf. Once perfect, now scarred. & once the wound heals, the pain will be gone. But every now & then, when I look at it, there`s some kind of pain that will make me wince, as if the prickly sensation is still there.

We are starting on a clean slate. With any other, I would have walked away & not bother, but he is my life, my everything & I know that I`ll be burdened by my own guilt & regret if I just let it all slip away.

Things are definitely not like how they used to be. I comprehend that, but there`s this feeling in my heart that`s getting hard to rid of. I get so crushed easily, it`s easy to let me down. Is this a sign of weakness? If it is, then I pray that God that will give me strength & endurance to overcome the obstacles.

I know I`ve let him down, & I`d do anything to convince him that he`s my world. I`m not giving up just yet, even if I get hurt in the process. I`m not a quitter, & we all know that. The plans I make still has him in them because he comes swimming into view and I`m hanging on to his words like I always used to do.

My head`s down & my eyes are swollen. We may be back together again, but I still find myself crying at the slightest things. Everything just overwhelms me these days. Turbulence. In times of grief & sorrow, somehow, I just know he`ll always be there. always.

The more someone means to you, the greater the pain when things go bad. I just want to close my eyes now & drown in my thoughts of being in his embrace, staring into his eyes & feel so convinced that he`s the one, like how it was all before.


Take me back into the arms I love

Need me like you did before

Touch me once again

And remember when

There was no one that you wanted more

Time will tell everything.

If you're feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don't waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you'll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart... where your hope lives. You'll find your way again.
- Gilmore Girls

i miss the loml. badly.

the silence makes me wanna scream

I have a sleeping gf who`s trying to mend her broken heart & i`m trying my best to just be there for her. But I`m about to breakdown as well, because I have my own problems to deal with. & I can`t talk to anyone.

Anyway, Zul called to tell me something he`s been reading & what he`s been doing. So i took a look & read it & the words stared at me. I don`t know what to feel anymore, after all`s that said & done.

Maybe it doesn`t matter to him anymore. I don`t know already. I don`t want any 'WHAT IF's or 'MAYBE's. But judging from the way things are & all the ignoring of msgs & so much more, I think I know what`s become of us already. This is HOTY. & maybe for the many years to come as well.

We built it up to watch it fall
Like we meant nothing at all

One final cry & that`s it. No more crying, Fit. Accept this defeat with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

But everything changes
If I could turn back the years
If you could learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel,

When it's just me and you.
Who knows what we could do.
If we can just make it through,
the toughest part of the day.

But that aching sensation, whenever I think of all that`s supposed to be between us, all that`s supposed to be done, all that we ever felt, all that we ever did, it all overwhelms me & hurt so bad. & especially LNs & LFs & 8 years. & why is it so hard for him to see that I want it all so badly, despite all the silly things I say in my moments of disarray?

& I just want to cry till I go blind now BECAUSE that burn on my calf will be a scar. As if having him gone isn`t sufficient, the burn serves as a fucking LIFETIME REMINDER TO ME, WHERE I GOT IT FROM, HOW I GOT IT & ON WHOSE BIKE. Can anyone feel me already? I just wanna bury my face in the pillow now. & it doesn`t help that my burn seems to be getting worse.

& can anyone actually comprehend WHY i`m upset abt it being a scar? IT`S MY FUCKING LEG, MY FUCKING CALF. SCARS ARE UGLY. DOES ANYONE GET MY DRIFT? DOES ANYONE FUCKING UNDERSTAND MY FRUSTRATION & DISAPPOINTMENT NOW? IT`S NOT JUST THE BURN. Why must I ALWAYS deal with so many blows in a night, in a day? WHY? Can anyone fucking understand why I need him, why he`s like no other? CAN ANYONE FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT? I want NOTHING right now but for things to return to the way they were.

There was a time when I loved him so much even the air would hurt me. I still do, in fact. It was frightening to need someone that violently, but I`m finding that it`s even more frightening not to feel that way anymore.

How can I just walk away from this and forget everything we shared? How can I forget the way his smile inspired a laugh, and how brown his eyes got when he was worried? How can I forget that smile, the one he only gave to me? How can I forget the way he looked at me, and how every time he did, I smiled? How can I forget the way he held me in his arms, and the way he told me I was beautiful? And how can I forget the way he said he loved me?

This is what it all comes down to, a broken heart and tear soaked pillow. & in the end, whatever that was, or may be, he will forever be my heart`s weakness. He was the only one I let inside my heart, believing it would last forever. Not knowing where yesterday left us, or where we`ll be tomorrow. All I know is that today I broke the promise my heart made to my mind, that I would never cry over him, over us, over realizing we`re over. One day when I look back on all this, maybe I`ll laugh maybe I`ll smile, or maybe I`ll break that promise one more time and let myself cry.

someone please just convince me that it`s all a nightmare. please.