of locked lips & entwined bodies

It`s insane how we could do all of that and then just lie down for a while, opened up our hearts while staring deep into each other`s eyes & wipe those tears away. Sigh. Nazir nazir nazir (: I never ever want him to think he`s anything less than amazing.

Anyway, I`m very elated today coz I got to see my very nice future mother-in-law again (: & I saw my future sister-in-law as well. HAHA. & even the lady who goes over his place to do ironing waved at me when she saw me under the block for the 2nd time. (: HAHA. okaaaaaye.

all by myself

This time, it was 0315. 4th night. Same kind of dream yet AGAIN. I woke up shivering instead of crying. The aircond wasn`t switched on, the fan was already at its lowest. My hands were wobbly. & then, i burst into tears. Sat on my bed for a good 20 minutes, hugging myself, trying to control my tears, consoling myself, assuring myself that it would all be okaye. Rang nazir up, no answer. So i decided to perform Tahajjud prayers. It`s been a while. & I brokedown again in one of my sujud. I think everything that`s going on in my life is taking a toll on me. & even if nobody is gonna be there for me to allay my fears, if everybody walks out on me & leaves me, He is always there.

Everything`s been so darn hard. Just so hard. I feel so very alone, it`s like I try to reach out to people who care about me, but it seems like the closer i get, the faster i drift away from them. It`s like reaching for someone`s hand when ur dangling by a cliff.

Tell myself not to allow these morbid dreams to affect me. But really, if you have been experiencing them each night for 4 consecutive nights, it begins to affect you. & you can`t tell yourself 'it`s just a dream' anymore. It just won`t work. & it sucks to know you can`t quite decipher the meanings.

So I close my eyes & make believe i was somewhere out there with him, the times we laughed so hard till my tummy hurt. Somehow, I can`t. The image on my mind seems too blurred & then it faded away. I was alone all over again.

leave me be, everyone. I will be blogging somewhere else for the time being.

please hold on

Rain, rain go away. I hate it when it rains & i`m wearing my slippers. Okaye, i`m ALWAYS in slippers, but it gets pretty risky coz there`s like very very very little friction. So far, I`ve not slipped & no, i`m not asking for it.

Anyway, EfB was boooooring today. As always. But lotsa laughs & many were playful. I, on the other hand, was smitten by Amal. She`s like soooo WOW, so darn fly. Her body`s a temple & her voice, oh-so-seductive please. Anyway, Raqie played a prank on Kelvin/Calvin by 'hiding' the latter`s handphone in the hood of my sweater. Calvin panicked so he used Hong Liang`s mobile to call. & dammit, the darn hp VIBRATED insanely IN my hood, against my back. Freaking ticklish, I couldn`t stop giggling. HAHAHAHA. I went to the washroom & bumped into Kristel. The cleaner got a shock of her life coz she thought Kristel was a guy. The expression on her face was PRICELESS. Wanted to return to the LT, but we bumped into Arline, so the 3 of us sat outside for a lil while & 'shared' class politics. Went back in & Ms Lye was showing some silly slides. If you are in dire need of a good laugh, http://www.engrish.com/. Downright insane, I tell you.

After school, headed down to Novena for lunch & then got Nazir`s as he was working. It was drizzling, & I was trying to control my cramps, which obviously were beyond control duh. I would have sat by the road side, trying to bear the pain which kept making me tear. But the fact that I was going to see him kept me going. When it comes to him, everything else is secondary. & that makes me come to another point. I don`t know how to tell him, how bad I feel, how sorry I am, that I am never there for him each time he has a performance. As I blog this, I just feel so darn lousy. Like what kind of gf am I? That I`m NEVER present each time, despite knowing how much Parkour means to him. That`s like his life, his interest. I so badly wanna be there, yet I can`t. & that feeling is eating me up. Each time I think about it, I get upset. I know he always says it`s okaye though he wished I could be there, but deep down, I know he wants me there. & I want too. But I can`t :(

Today is a horrible day :( & I fear sleeping. I really really do. I dread waking up from the same kinda dream, sobbing, in the middle of the night. It`s been 3 consecutive nights. God, what`s wrong? =(

penchant

I`ve been hooked to Malay songs lately. Here`s one. & by that, I DON`T MEAN DISTURBING DANGDUT SONGS BY INUL, okaye Hafiz? That`s just very torturous. Really. HAHAHAHAHAHA. ku tak mau cintaku dikocok kocok. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I think Malay is a beautiful language. I pretty much figured that out when I discovered my flair for writing in Malay back then in sec sch. My compositions were always published, making me the Malay teacher`s pet, of course. Not to forget, being a walking dictionary. After dropping HMT, I lost touch with that side of me & since then, my Malay has been pretty horrendous. Simply put, i`ve always been the 'just ask me to write in Malay, I can write beautifully but don`t ask me to speak proper Malay' kinda person. So anyway, I went to the library just now & borrowed a book on puisi, sajak & whatnots. Think old-school Malay. & another by Masuri S.N. Don`t ask me what`s got into me.

Sebuah sore di kota kelabu

Mataku separuh sayu

Aku terkenang empat puluh tahun dulu

Dua kali perang berlaku.

Aku membayang masa mukaku

Bakal menyimbul jantung puisiku;

Datang seorang pelagu berdendang

Tentang panas dan bahang.

Sore itu serupa sore yang lain

Datang seorang pelagu berdendang

Mereka pun bertanya

Mengapa kau berdendang

Dia menjawab

Aku berdendang Kerana aku diundang.

Mereka merobek seluruh dadanya

Hanya menemui jantungnya;

Mereka menyelokar seluruh jantungnya

Hanya menemui kemanusiaannya;

Mereka membelah suaranya

Hanya menemui kepiluannya;

Mereka membedah kepiluannya

Hanya menemui penjaranya;

Mereka menembusi penjaranya

Hanya menemui mereka terbelenggu.

Masuri S.N.

so glad for the madness

Someday when we`ve been together for a very long time, we'll turn out the lights and sit around in the balcony. You`ll finish my sentences and I`ll borrow your glasses, we`ll wonder where the time went. And at night we`ll roll to the middle of our old bed into each other`s arms where we`ll kiss and hold each other and dream the secrets that only old lovers know.

Last week was momentous. We shared deep conversations which gratifed our hearts, all that needed to be said were said, and all that needed to be answered were answered. & not to forget, those dirty little secrets from the past. From his ex gfs to me confessing that i three-timed my boyfriendSSSSSSS. Basically, everything. We had a good laugh but somehow, it feels good to know that we are comfortable letting each other in to another side of our hearts. Most importantly, we both know that we`ve found ourselves again. Truly, it feels like the first time :D Thank You, God.

potterhead

I`m taking a break from studying right now so I`m playing some online Harry Potter game. Yes, I can hear Nazir complaining already. HAHAHAHA.

OH. & i was on http://www.mugglenet.com/ just now, just browsing around & look what I found. . .

Yup, the HP Adult costume & it costs US$42. Can I have this for my birthday pleeeeeeeeease? So if anyone wants to get this for me, you can go to www.wbshop.com okaye? HAHAHA.

& this is just so adorable! Hedwig Kids Costume :D

i`m with you. always.

Less than a week ago when we both had that aching longing coz we missed each other too much, he told me that things are bound to happen again but no matter what, our love will overcome it all.

Only God knows how badly I want to hold him in my arms, look into his eyes & apologise. He doesn`t have to hold me or say anything. I just need him to know that I really don`t wanna leave. We were supposed to last a lifetime. So loml togicel, come home soon. I miss you already.

come to me now

I`ve never heard him so weary, so vulnerable, so weak. With my mobile in one hand, I closed my eyes & wished that I could be by his side, to wipe those tears from his face & assure him that tomorrow will be better for us, come what may. I just need to embrace him now & hold him so tight. When he cries, I know I`ve been such a disappointment & letdown. & that really hit me hard. He`s been right all along. He always has. I have a huge problem with myself.

...

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think
I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do
I'll wait for you

DEAR GOD,

PLEASE.LET.IT.NOT.BE.CHICKEN.POX!!!!!

I met Syed`s 4-yr-old cousin, Aiman, & he didn`t go to school yest because in his sister`s words, 'BADAN DIA GATAL-GATAL'.

SOMEONE PLS TELL ME IT`S JUST A DARN CHEEKY MOSQUITO WHO GAVE ME 6 LOVE BITES ON MY BACK AND 2 ON MY ARMS. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. NOW MY NECK IS ITCHYYYYY TOOOOOO.

URGH. I CAN`T STOP SCRATCHING MYSELF!!!!! I don`t want to be foxy poxy. Whatever that means. argggghhhhh.

walk through my door

The words stared at me. Tears stung my eyes & I allowed my shoulders to slump & my head bent so low. & then I allowed those stinging tears to flow down my cheeks. Most of all, I didn`t know why it hurt.

closer

Only 24 hours since the last time I saw that smile, stared into those eyes & kissed those lips. Only 24 hours since the last time he touched every inch of me, breathing me into his soul, making every fibre of my being tingle. Yet, there`s this intense feeling in me. I don`t know how I can miss him so badly. Yesterday was beyond insane. I drowned in his soul. It was as if nothing else matters anymore. It was me letting it all out for what`s been inside me, as if making up for for all that we`ve lost & found again. Rollercoaster of emotions, I should say. I cried in the lift after we parted. Not because I was upset, but because I was overwhelmed by my own feelings. That very moment, it struck me real hard how much he really means to me. I am so very grateful for everything.

My heart can sing and cry at the same time when you're away, there's this painful longing washing over my soul that can't be defined in words.
Nazir, 24 June 2007

That`s exactly how I`m feeling now. That aching sensation lingering in my heart.

I`m having a mental block now. Will edit this later.

shmp,

le sigh. i can`t read minds okaye :(

passion & obsession

I can`t wait for my body to get all tingly when we meet tomorrow :D I can`t wait to drown in his kisses.

I think that when you fall in love with someone, every single day you spend with them you fall in love with them even more. It`s like you find something else to love about them everyday. The way they laugh, the way they sneeze, even the way they blink. I think that`s how relationships last. When things are exciting, everyday you spend with that person is like an adventure into their soul.

"They give their hearts to each other, unconditionally. And that's what true love really is. It's not this fairy-tale life that never knows pain. But it's two souls facing it together, and diminishing it, with unconditional love."

- One Tree Hill

i don`t quite get it

Sooner or later, my mum will start ironing our undies. SOONER OR LATER, i say. She`s becoming an 'ironing freak'. Really. Ironing EVERYTHING =/ Including my 'at home' T shirts.

& people at home, including my daddy AND my pri 5 brother (!!!!), are hooked on Hikmah 3. Yes, we went JB yest & the darn thing cost us 30 or 50 bucks or something & there are 6 CDs. So yes, the DVD player`s at work. Someone, help. h e l p .... AND THEY HAVE BEEN WATCHING IT SINCE 2PM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH NOW I GET IT. She`s just trying to multi task. 6 CDs will probably take 18 hours or something?! This is getting insane. HAHAHAHA.

of Xs & Ys

If you could see me, that`s probably how I look like right now. That same facial expression.

I`ve been cooped up in my room, isolated from everyone in the house for the past 3.5 hours. & why`s that so? Coz I`m completing my Biz Maths assignment which is driving me up the wall. YES, Maths alone for the past 3.5 hours. Boohoohoo. It`s due on Thur & i have 2 more questions left. & tonight, i`ll have to start with my MPO report which is due in 2 weeks. It`s a bloody Sundaaaaaaaaaaay laaaaa. Sigh. Okaye I shan`t even start complaining about having 6 days of school each week :( I`m hanging in there. This will be over soon. I. LOVE. SCHOOL. & I`M not lying.

I`ve drunk 4 cups of Milo . I neeeed my fix of gummybears & chocolates nowwwwww :(

stressed lass

it`s Sunday wow. My bf`s out having Parkour training & i`m stuck at home with my assignments, yelling to be completed. & i`m sleepy eepy eepy eepy py py py. coz we both slept at almost 0500. The last hour of the convo never fails to drive us manic. ha ha ha. always. i miss my dick. HAHAHA.

iiiiii can give youuuu gatsbyyyyy

We finally met today & it sure felt like the first time. He had a haircut & was orgasmically good looking. HAHA :D

We met at Marina Square. & then decided to have lunch first. So while eating he asked who I wanted to watch Harry Potter with since he DOESN`T WANT to. So i just shrugged & told him i`ll probably watch it alone. & he still could laugh la! So annoying. He knows I`m such a HUGE Potter fan yet he doesn`t want to accompany me to watch it.

Well yesterday, I casually mentioned I wanted the 2GB Creative Zen Stone Plus for my bday becoz i`m so in love with the LIME GREEN one & i`m sick of my Ipod already. So we passed by the Creative store twice but obviously I didn`t say anything. But I was stealing glances at the darn mp3 u know! HAHA. I pretended not to hear anything when he talked about MP3s & whatnots. The 3rd time we passed by the store, he 'asked' what`s the diff between Zen Stone & Zen Stone Plus. So i explained & we walked off. about 10m away from the store, he suddenly took out a box & jeng jeng jeng, it was de player la! HAHAHAHAHA. Imagine my excitement. HAHA. So I smothered him with a few wet kisses. HAHA. So much for his 'I will be late becoz I am meeting my friend at Bugis to pass him soccer boots'. HAHAHAHA. So that was surprise #1.

After that we just walked around aimlessly, or so I thought. HAHA. We went to the upper level & I thought he wanted to get something or just walk around. We ended up outside the cinema & that`s when he took a piece of paper from his wallet. I was still clueless. HAHA. & when he passed it to me, I realised he had purchased 2 tickets to Harry Potter from the AXS machine. HAHAHAHAHA. i SOOOO badly wanted to scream please. surprise #2.

Well, after all that, we also visited his secret place & I was in awe. It`s so much more beautiful than mine. We`ll definitely visit it some time soon. I can`t wait (: & next on the list, my very own green helmet. HAHAHAHAHA :D & i can hardly wait for our escapade in 15 months ;)

Though he had to rush off to work, I feel like today was worth it. & it`s not only becoz of the surprises, it`s so much more. It felt good to have him back in my arms. & the feeling of losing myself in his arms, yet at the same time realising that he truly is irreplaceable, nothing compares to the intensity of that feeling. & i truly appreciate that he sacrificed his sleep just to meet me (: I`ve fallen in love all over again (:

ha ha ha

My bf is %^&#$& insane becoz he wants a darn ARAI FULL FACED HELMET which costs 700 bucks, for his birthday. WHAT KIND OF HELMET IS THAT SAK?! I just viewed it online & i can`t believe it`s 700 bucks. kiwaaaaaaak. I`d probably use it to whack his head 700 times.

nazir will get me a nintendo wii (haha) for my bday, so

CAN I ALSO HAVE A HAMSTER AND RABBIT FOR MY BIRTHDAY, PLEASE?