let the clocks be reset & the pendulums held

OKAYE I`M NT GOING TO CALL ANYONE ANYMORE. I MADE 3 WRONG CALLS TODAY. & that`s coz i switched my sim card & apparently my contacts are all stored in the other sim card. i dunno who the heck I msged or called. anywaaaay HAFIZ U OWE ME BIG TIME SINCE U GAVE ME THE WRONG NO. & TO MAKE UP FOR ALL THAT TROUBLE I WENT THROUGH JUST TO MEET YOU, I WANT MY APPLE STRUDEL, B&J ICE CREAM, DONUT FACTORY`S DONUTS, & GODIVA`S CHOCOLIXIR. I.DON`T.CARE.

let the clocks be reset & the pendulums held

NOTE: THIS IS A LENGTHY ENTRY

I logged off earlier than usual, around 0200. Nazir sent me some cute songs, which unfortunately, didn`t seem to cheer me up. I`m not certain if he sensed that I wasn`t really myself last night. Owells.

Lately, it hurts to breathe. Literally. I haven`t told anyone about it. I only go to bed once my sister is asleep, just so she won`t hear me wheeze. I don`t wanna disrupt her sleep. My gut feeling tells me it`s my bronchitis again.

Anyway before I hit the sack, I switched on my hp & i read the text Afiq sent me in the afternoon. I realised I missed certain parts of it. & after reading the entire msg, I cried. Somehow, I`m frustrated with myself for being SOOOO emotionally weak lately. It`s like I look at myself in the mirror, everything looks fine on the surface, but i have the urge to smash the mirror, shatter my own reflection. As if the broken pieces can hurt my inner self.

I need to find peace within myself. It`s about time.

During the course of my life thus far I have buried my soul deep within, covering it so that my mind believes my soul is no longer of consequence. I believe I am in my thinking rather than my feelings; this is to the cost of my soul. I have lost sight of the fact that my deepest yearning is love. I forget that love is what I crave. Deep down I know this; on the surface I barely dare believe it.

When I decide and make the attempt to get closer to my true being, then I am on the path to again being with my soul which is love. To help me do this I need to make space for love, for I have so filled myself with the clutter of life that little freedom remains. I am to remove the bits and pieces, the possessions, the junk and debris that I have taken on board. I am to eliminate all that is not love. In doing so I am to be patient with myself, kind, caring and looking at my internal presence rather than my external appearance.

I am to cease rushing about hecticly and in preference stay with myself for that is where I am and where love is to be found. Love is within, truth is within, peace is within, joy is within. Everything I require is within. I ache to again be with these gifts of self, to again be who I rightly am. I have strayed.

If I cast out all the unnecessary debris of life, then I am making room for the new. The space made available, I may fill with love. As I do this, I will be able to see differently, to perceive otherwise and again become love. All I have to do is try. If I deny myself this opportunity then I do not allow the hopes of change and without hope there is no peace and love cannot be. I make space within as I cast out the worldly so that I may then freely receive.

Previously, I have been full of absurdity and filled with the paraphernalia of our worldly society. I may choose to throw out all the bric-a-brac out of my life and by so doing I free myself to again, be my own reality. As I accept, then I find love, I re-unite with the love within and I open to giving love and in return receiving love. I am able to find myself and again be with my soul. It is my decision to do so, I am free to choose. I have permission to do these things; all I have to do is accept.

To decipher the present from the past, to recognise the past from the present.

I know I am strong. I am weak because I allow myself to feel this way. With God`s grace, I`ll sail through this. & I`ll give it all, give my all to be in harmony & sync with my inner self once again. & I shall once again, open my heart to love the next man. Sincerely.

It can only be I who, in the past, has imposed limitations on the amount of love I have been prepared to accept, for who else might it be? I see nothing beyond my self-imposed limits. I may blame others, but my life is of my own doing. I am free to discard my limitations to see beyond, to see love.

Now, this moment, is my opportunity to accept love to the fullest. I may go within, to where love is infinite and everlasting. The opportunity is given to me. I am never alone in this quest, love cannot desert me. My life’s purpose is love. From this instant on, I am living to love and no longer dying to love. My soul heals as I do so, my being is again alive.

Where there is no need for sacrifice, for all is surrendered. All has been let go and truth revealed. All is in balance.

I`ll take my leave now. Enough for today. bye bye.

que sera, sera

What ruins a beautiful friendship between a boy & a girl?

We all know what the answer is.

inhale deeply

Sunday. Today is just one of the days. One of those blue days for me. One of those days I choose to be immersed & lost in my world, oblivious to my surroundings. One of those days I choose to blatantly ignore people.

I`ve switched off my hp for good. I am just not in the mood to reply msgs or answer any calls today. I`m not depressed. I`m not angry. Just moodless. As much as I wanna go out alone & seek some solace, I just wanna stay at home. Read the latest news on Reuters, plug into my favourite sounds & maybe just sit around & watch the clouds go by.

I`m tired. Emotionally. i have no idea why but it`s draining the life out of me. & yes, i`m looking forward to meeting my pillars of strength next week. 3 different cliques altogether. I guess that`ll keep me occupied for the rest of the week. On another note, I can`t wait for school.

I`ll be off.

so cradle your head in your hands

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,

You shout cause you`re just as far in as you'll ever be out

& these mistakes you've made,

you`ll just make them again

If you only try turning around.

MMMMMM.

you`re every minute of my every day

mmm the downpour is making me all warm & fuzzy inside. Curtains are drawn but I can still see the ray of light peeking through, what a beautiful tint of grey & blue in the skies. Just lying on my bed, watching the raindrops trickle down the windows, inhaling the fresh air, plugging into my favourite sounds. For once, that makes me happy. at least for today (: it`s like time is crawling so dilatorily today. Anyway, I love this song. mmm.

let`s not kill the karma

Yesterday after tuition was magnificent. The plan was to meet up with Iylia, my first puppy love in pri sch aka as Syed Muhammad Haikal dol & Adly for coffee to just catch up & bum around. Well apparently, Iylia & Syed were from City Hall or something & Adly was just being plain annoying coz he slept all the way till 1900 & there was no way I could reach him coz he switched off his hp.

Okaye so met up with Adly first for dinner since the other two would be late. We bumped into Nazir, an unknown but cute lad who added me on Friendster recently. Oooo he looks pretty good in person. Kinda my kind. You know, tall, fair, kinda hunky & the list goes on. HAHA.

I got pissed when Syed & Iylia took FOREVER to reach Tampines. Adly & me were getting bored already so we bummed at Starbucks. OKAAAAAYE. This was what happened. When I was queuing up, there was this dude who was in front of me & he kept turning back. I didn`t think much of it but when he kept doing that for like 483498204 times, I got pretty annoyed.

After ordering the drinks, I waited at the bar & he came up to me. He looked better upclose, I swear I was hyperventilating. HAHAHA. & then suddenly he asked,

D: Are you Malay, Chinese or Eurasian?

Me: Mmm, Malay. (at this point of time I acted pretty nonchalant, didnt wanna give the wrong signals)

D: Oh really! Pure Malay or are you mixed?

Me: Pure malay. Not mixed at all

D: Wow, u are pure. You look different from the other Malays. Nice.

& then I just smiled & my drinks were ready. I was about to walk away & say 'nice meeting you' when he held out his hand to introduce himself.

D: I am Julian. You are?

Me: Mmm u can just call me Fitri.

& thennnn I walked away before he could say anything. HAHAHAHAHA. My heart was rolling on the floor already, please. It`s rare that a stranger makes me feel that way. I told Adly about it & he actually went in to 'check him out'. HAHAHA. Julian & his friend were seated inside anyway.

Iylia & Syed were total jokers. They went in twice. The first time they were in, Iylia pretty much STARED at him, & syed was just, well, being idiotic as usual. So they 'looked at the board' & stepped out. GEEEEEEEEZ. Iylia told me that Julian eyed them suspiciously. HAHAHAHA. Syed came up with a silly plan. He suggested that i enter again, but each time, i`m with different guys. Means Adly first, then Iylia & finally him. WHAT A RETARD. & obviously I didn`t do that. HAHAHA.

I kinda like how Julian was just straightforward & friendly, no cheesy pick up lines. Well to SOMEONE i chatted with last night, a guy who doesnt use corny pick up lines isnt BORING, neither does that mean he lacks creativity. I like guys who are creative in other areas & do not have to resort to watching reruns of 'Joey' for pick up lines (:

Anywaaaaay, I had a great time with the 3 of them, who hv nvr failed to be there for me, through the good times & the bad. We chatted about lots of things, from school to girls to boys to Syed`s brother who`s forever commenting on my pics in friendster. LOL. They then 'escorted' me to the MRT & we bid our goodbyes. Well, it was a great night indeed, I met 2 hot guys. But you know what? The company I had last night beats meeting all the hot guys in the world (: Thank you Iylia, Syed & Adly! (: I love you three! (:

When I got home, my mummy gave me a pleasant surprise, regarding school stuff. Well,what can I say? I love her to pieces. She isn`t a great mum. Coz ' a great mother' is an understatement for such a beautiful woman with a big heart like her (: May God bless her always.

okaaaaaye that`s it. I need to eat. BYE BYE.

oh no you didn`t

oh yes i did

just for FUN

Adly, my a/c has hit the 700th mark today but last night at 2300-ish , it hit that 666 first (: so do u owe me something? ;)

DON`T ANNOY ME

I`m giving DD a month to quit being clingy. I`m fine with us being friends, with the occasional msgs or calls but all these early in the morning calls & missed calls at 0300-0600, his reason being 'i want to hear your voice' & those 'i miss you' & 'what are you doing?' msgs are getting on my nerves already. Oh you know I dont` like to be suffocated like this.

DON`T CROWD MY SPACE.

i miss the boy with many moles on his head

I`ve gotta admit this. I want to cry. & why is that so? Coz my brother is away for his P5 camp till Wednesday. Okaye to some of you, that doesnt mean anything, but I`m really close to him, hence, I feel the void. So close that he still wants to sleep with me, wakes me up in the middle of the night to accompany him to the toilet, bring him to movies, just the 2 of us. Yes the last movie I brought him to was Mr Bean`s Holiday.

He may be very annoying, sometimes he makes me cry & scream my lungs out when he pisses me off, but i love him to death nonetheless. Last night when he was sleeping, I quietly kissed him. SIGH. Faiz Hilman, i miss you already.

He may be 11 only, but he`s very protective of me. I remember a few weeks back, when I was pissed & upset with someone I disliked & she was behaving bitchy & blogging about me & all, Faiz was by my side & comforted me. He may be bratty, being the only brother I have, but like i said, i love him to death nonetheless. I can nv say this enough. Anyway, there`s a pic of me in his Friendster profile with the caption 'hello sister'. See how much he loves me? There`s a pic of my sister too, but of her feet & shoes. HAHAHAHA. He`s showing favouritism. HAHA.

I hope he`s having fun in camp! (: While my mummy & me weep tonight. HAHAHA.

walk of fame

Very excited on a ride in Disneyland

During Raya at kampung. He was chewing gum.

In Disneyland

Cars

He`s growing up too fast, i pray he`ll turn into a fine lad. but i see my temper in him. HAHA(:

Dear God, please protect the 2 people in my life who are in different camps because they mean alot to me.

mmmhmmmm

They say birds of the same feather flock together.

That`s of no wonder to me. I`m so disgusted already. Like totally. The things that they are 'proud' of? It just doesn`t make sense to me, hence, frm MY p.o.v, it`s more of them being so darn full of themselves. I know I`m in no disposition to say this, but here`s my two-cents worth. They need to eat humble pie, in other words, embrace humility. Seriously. May God forgive all their sins & lead them onto His path.

Human presumptuousness, insolence, arrogance, elevated self-worth, are around us everywhere, & Astaghfirullah (I seek forgiveness from Allah), sometimes in ourselves. We have to fight it in our own hearts. We must always remember that we are nothing - we have nothing - except what Allah s.w.t blesses us with. We can do nothing with our own power.

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "God has revealed to me that you must be humble, so that no one oppresses another and boasts over another." - Sunah of Abu-Dawood, Hadith 2294

May God shelter us from the humiliating fire of Hell, and help us to always remember His favours. Help us to be always thankful to Him, and be humble unto Him, for He alone is the Sustainer, the Almighty.

Gdnight all! (:

electric shocks on aching bones

I truly enjoyed today, more like yesterday already. Too tired to blog now & MAN U is retarded tonight so I`ve decided not to watch the 2nd half. BYE BYE.

bizzaro

I am so totally freaked out right now. So freaked out that I ran to the toilet immediately without reciting my usual doa everytime I wake up.

I had the most bizarre dream ever & Afiq was in it. Well let`s just say the dream was good while it lasted but the first part which involved me playing in a huge longkang was like totally silly & redundant. Afiq was my boyfriend AGAIN & we were in bus 12. Actually I don`t feel like bloggin about this dream so i`ll just type out all the words associated with it, in no chronological order. HAHAHA.

hugs.kisses.touch.longkang.nyonya.Simei.Pasir Ris.bus 12.my friend, Raelene.fishing.art work.black Adidas jacket.not a botak head Afiq.tears.slippers.Changi.a makcik who lived near my house.another makcik who lived in Jalan Bersih.cargo complex.

OKAYE ENOUGH ALREADY. so now someone tell me pls, where in Singapore is Jalan Bersih? Geeez.

Afiq, u better be honoured or something. This is the 2nd time I`ve dreamt about you. Remember the first one? You were my boyfriend who was a national soccer player & I waited for you at Vivo but you never came & I sat in the lift all day long, going up & down. Geez. HAHAHAHAHA.

read: first dream

yeah u can click on it to read from my previous blog. Entry dated 16 Nov 2006, 0159.

& OH! yesterday, i msged Lily. She has 2 numbers & I had no idea which one she was using so I texted both. I got a reply from her but my fingers were so itchy I deleted one of her numbers. & apparently, I deleted the WRONG one. & then I had a call from her old number, which i thought was the right one. It was some looney lau ah pek who was like partially deaf or something. SO annoying! & his accent was typically ah pek.

Me: Hi ly, so what`s the plan?

'Lily': Halo. You want to find who?

Me: Umm, hey it`s me Fit. Are u her bf or something? (HAHAHAHA. okaye this was retarded coz i thought she asked her bf to answer or something)

'L': You want to find who?

Me: umm okaye hurry get Lily on the line pls. I want to find my friend Lily.

'L': You work for my friend? Who?

At this point of time i was $%$@#$%&#$ annoyed already.

Me: Okaye this isn`t funny. Where`s Lily?

'L': You want to find who?

& then i gave up 'entertaining' this twerp

Me: Yeah okaye find you. Wrong number. Bye Bye.

'L': Orh wrong number ah? You want to find who?

So i called Hidz to get the right number. Unfortunately, she doesn`t have it since she lost her hp the other time. So i told her about this cuckoo ah pek & she asked me if Lily had an Ah Pek-ish bf. & for a moment it hit us that she might have misplaced her hp, & it was pretty unfortunate it landed in the hands of some dingbat like the Ah pek. LOL.

The story doesn`t end here. STUPID AH PEK. WAHLAUUUUUUUUU. He was seriously asking for trouble. & then he called AGAIN & asked who I was looking for. I insisted it was the wrong number. & he called AGAIN, for the third time, asking or rather saying the same thing AGAIN & this time, even reciting his number. So not funny.

Okaye so the point is, I finally got her number. THE RIGHT ONE. & Lily even told me that she used to divert her numbers & her friends who called the old number would always be yelled at with profanities by a man. WAHLAUUUU. MUST BE THAT AH PEK laaaaaaa. HAHAHA.

okaye BYE BYE. You want to find who? HAHAHAHA.

Okaye wanna eat. BYE BYE.

the inside lingo had me at hello

Mmm. Yay, a new blogskin! (: Had an uncanny motivation to do so. Anyway, I`m still finding a suitable song.

Moving on, I`m drinking my all time fav drink, Snapple`s Lime Green Tea & as we all know, there are Real Facts beneath the bottlecaps. So mine says, "One brow wrinkle is the result of 200,000 frowns". How interesting (:

Okaye so it`s gonna be a pretty long weekend since tomorrow is Good Friday. Mmmm, no plans yet but I intend to pay Vivo a visit on Sat with Dahliah BUT apparently I logged into Friendster & got a comment from one of my buddies from pri sch. So i`ve got no idea. Vivo or coffee with Lily & Hidz? Mmmm it`s been some time, really. Way too long i guess. Mmmm, it`s okaye, i have today & tomorrow to decide! xD

I`ll happily bum around today & maybe drop by the library later. & yay, Afiq`s booking out today. For the next 3 nights, I don`t have to hold on to my hp so dearly waiting for his msgs. HAHA. Anyway, he`s no longer AFIQ TERBAKAR PANGGIL BOMBA, BOMBA DATANG BERLUMBA-LUMBA. It`s now, AFIQ TERBAKAR PANGGIL BOMBA, BOMBA DATANG TAK BOLEH BUAT APA-APA. hahahaha. i bet ur obviously severely burnt & dark, buddy(:

Have a great weekend ahead! (: BYE BYE.

mmm

you know your kisses set me ablaze. but if only they could make me commit.

I don't need love. For what good will love do me?

'LOVE' -rolls eyes. I`ll definitely lmao reading all these a few years down the road.

Yeah okaye that was my ego speaking. HA HA.

can`t help it

no Fit, that`s the wrong one. please wake up.

you see our names in city lights

My head is spinning & my arm hurts.

Well yesterday, i met up with Dahliah & we were supposed to meet in the last cabin at 1000. Well apparently, we were late, or rather, I was late, so 1100 it was. So to town it was, & bummer, i couldn`t get what I wanted so ended up buying new flip flops, as usual. Headed back to east after lunch, ran some errands for my mum at Tanah Merah & then met dd in Tampines.

Some fricking girl who was in a rush didn`t see me or something & I didn`t see her stomp her way towards me since I was turning my back while walking (okaye stupid I know but that`s coz i was trying to save Lia from some morons) & we collided, shoulder to shoulder. & well, according to Lia, I literally flew . Yes, the impact was that hard. & thank God I didn`t fall or anything. I really cannot imagine. In the middle of Tamp Int. Geez. Anyway, I don`t remember the girl being fat or anything like that. Her shoulders must be made of steel. & yes, MY shoulder still hurts :(

& then we were waiting for dd, & there was this Malay guy, prolly in his late 20s or early 30s with a red beanie & some mustard-colored windbreaker. you know those kinda typical Malay mats with greasy, long hair. ewww. & LIKE WHAT`S WITH HIS COLORS? okaye that`s besides the point. So Lia sat opposite me & were 2 tables away from that weirdo. He kept looking at Lia who happened to be diagonally opposite him, & then turned his head sideways to look at me & then turned his head backwards to look BEHIND me. geeeeez. he was doing that for like 15 minutes or something. I was like so annoyed already. Does he think he`s doing Physics? Like refraction of light & all that crap. From one angle to another. STUPID siaaaaaaa. & i`ve never done this before in public, but i flashed him my middle finger. HAHAHA. & if he was cute, now that`s another story.

So we left after dd came & just as u imagined, that weirdo actually looked at us till we weren`t in sight anymore laaaaa.

siao guy.

& talking abt siao, me & lia were siao people when we counted the number of people with the same hairdo from Heeren to PS. let`s just say there were more than 20. BORING & some who had it were just plain weird & there was only who which was orgasmically nice. Bob the builder, can we fix it? Bob the builder, yes we can! mmmm. but okaye, long straight hair is boring too, but well i guess it depends on the person herself, facial features & all that. so anyway, i changed my mind about cutting my hair. mmmhmm.

On another note, sometimes i`m perplexed how Lia & me can think alike MOST OF THE TIME. Even our mothers are pretty much alike. Well, let`s just say she`s the one i can connect with. Well, what do you expect. We`ve known each other since p4 during tuition. But we got separated for 3 years & coincidentally ended up being in the same class in sec school. & as they say, the rest is history. well talk about being meant to be (: & i love her. & that`s that. Vivocity this Sat, that shall be it (:

This is random but I just remembered today`s date & someone, whom i`m having a love-hate dislike relationship with currently, is turning the big 2-0 in exactly one month`s time. HAHAHAHAHAHA. u old twerp. start behaving like one already. you say you`re a big boy but i can`t agree.

okaye that`s it. BYE BYE.

SO DUMB

"Why can`t u be like other girls? u are always playing hard to get & difficult to please. Why?"

NOW I TELL YOU WHY (: because i`m not like other girls. it`s that simple. & i don`t intend to be like them (: you can`t say i`m full of myself because u were the one who commented abt or questioned me. I never said anything & i never asked for comments xD You are entitled to your own opinion, so I can`t be bothered to be affected. Really.

There are a gazillion girls out there, so why linger & wait for u noe, in your own words, a 'difficult to please & always hard to get' girl? & try telling me something NEW next time (: This whole thing about me being difficult, stuck-up & all, it`s so yesterday, so stale already. & if you know me, you know me. no need for such comments or questions. not constructive at all (: because people I know don`t assume or say such ridiculously puerile things because they are able to accept me entirely, both my strengths & weaknesses, perfection & flaws (:

BYE BYE (:

FACE DOWN

I should sing this part to myself:

Cover up with makeup in the mirror

tell yourself, it's never gonna happen again

you cry alone and then he swears he loves you.

& someone should literally SCREAM this part to him:

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?

Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?

Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end

as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

Face down in the dirt,

she said,"This doesn't hurt",

she said,"I finally had enough."

SO TIRED ALREADY & my specs is still missing.