pain is NOT pleasure

Things between me & the boy are fine now. Petty arguments, silly bicker, the usuals. But we are fine now (:

I have very wonderful 'firsts' with him & let`s just say I`m bound to encounter some very unpleasant 'firsts' as well.

To sum it up, just now was the FIRST time we rode on the bike from Point A to Point B without talking. Well, you know, after quarelling, u know, both parties still sulking & whatnots. HAHA. Before making a turn, it was also the FIRST time Nazir flashed his middle finger at some boys or taxi driver, i`m not sure coz i wasn`t really paying attention. HAHA. Okaye anyway, we arrived at Point B, & his motorbike decided to teach us a lesson for not talking to each other. & how`s that? Well, I got off the right side of the bike & my right calf hit the freaking HOT exhaust pipe. I 'OUCH' loudly & only then we started talking. HAHAHA.

& guess what? I`m so worried right now, because my skin`s all prickly & I have a feeling this won`t go away. Take a look.

It`s insanely prickly, I tell you. & we drew a blue smiley on it just now. HAHA. At first I thought it`d just hurt, but i panicked when it got redder & darker. ARGH. After that, Nazir had problems controlling the bike coz I was fidgeting in pain. I really shouldn`t have worn shorts just now. HAHAHA. There goes my calf. & my sister isn`t helping at all coz she`s freaking me out with all the silly stories abt it nt being able to disappear. UPSET.

I hate that bike, need the car quickly. & I have a phobia getting off on the right side already.

love or leave

I`m not gonna say much.

Well I can't explain why it's not enough

Coz I gave it all to you

And if you leave me now

Oh just leave me now

It's the better thing to do

You pulled me under so I had to give in

Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin

Well I'll hide all the bruises

I'll hide all the damage that's done

But I`ll show how I'm feeling

until all the feeling has gone.

in your moments of weakness

I received a very unexpected phone call which made me cry as well. Hey beautiful, everyone goes through bitter breakups, okaye? See you later.

I had your shoulder & back when I needed them, now you have mine.

love thy body

Was bored so I analysed myself in the mirror. Armed with a measuring tape, I measured myself, yes. Okaye, there were certain stuff which I liked & certain bits which exist ever since I stopped training months ago. But one thing`s for sure, I`ve expanded. HAHA.

So I grabbed my skipping rope after not doing so for a few days already & literally jumped to Madonna`s 'Jump' & a few other upbeat songs, full blast. The usual jumps & side to side ones. I was already in the most comfortable 'outfit' since nobody was home & boy, it was darn good to sweat it out. Once you start, you just can`t stop. I kept jumping till I tripped one too many times coz I was too tired already & almost lost my footing when I did the alternate foot jump & the one-legged jump. HAHA. So I just relaxed a lil bit & began my abs & core exercises as usual.

& I did a few sets of the very much neglected push ups & lunges as well. All that skipping for 3 minutes with an interval of 1 minute to do crunches repeatedly for 5 sets sure felt darnnnnnnn good. I was sweating insanely after all that, but the satisfaction is beyond words. The floor was wet with my sweat. HAHA. & I was literally sprawled on the floor face down for a few minutes. HAHA. Nothing beats sweating it all out of your system & looking at ur tummy & arms & thighs at work.

I certainly miss the track days. Especially being in the gym & doing all the endurance exercises which made our stomachs tremble in such agony yet satisfaction, all that 'moaning', & all the cramped faces. HAHAHA.

I give myself 2 mths to return to 40. Almost there (: But I still love my body, nonetheless(: Running in the evening!

& i`m dying to run with my boyfriend but he can`t run, he can only do his Parkour stuff. urgh. see, he can be Spiderman. haha. & I`m itching to go swimming tooooooooo. hurry hurry.

lifetime piling up

Well, I knew he would be tired by the time he`s home, so I decided to do it, with utmost sincerity. & well, what can I say? It`s little things like that which strengthen our bond & subconsciously remind us of the infinite reasons we love & totally adore each other. & I must say, he made me tear. But those were TEARS OF JOY. For once, it felt good to cry because such tears bring neither hurt nor ache to my heart (: I was overwhelmed, indeed.

We`ve both got goals, aims & plans. Both individual ones & those that simply involve the both of us. I thank God that each day I`m awake, I`m given another chance to be a better lover to him, to shower him with my endless, unconditional, devotional love. I never knew I could ever love someone so much, the way I do now.

Shoot me if you must for thinking this way, but I foresee my future with this man. MY.ENTIRE.LIFE. & yes, that`s another 'first' to add to my list All the things we`ll do, all that we plan to do, being each other`s pillars of strength in moments of weakness & each other`s pillars of motivation & support in moments of strength. All the LNs & LFs in 10 years to come(: God willing.

& as for me, I am delighted with the changes in myself. He has not changed me ENTIRELY, neither is he planning to change me as a person, but it`s ME. it`s ME who has changed MYSELF. I become bright where I was dull, I become forgiving where I was judging & MOST importantly, I`ve managed to rid that infamous Nurul Fitriyanna`s EGO. I`ve learnt so much in such a short yet long period of time. Other things learnt include being a more rational & reasonable person, one who`s able to sit & sort differences out with my other half without resulting to yelling, screaming or crying & yes, i`ve become more mindful of my own words. I have become free of my own shackles. & I know, there`s ALWAYS room for further improvement (:

Sometimes, it`s all a matter of whether you want it or not. The choice is yours. If you choose to just be that same old ill-tempered or egoistic person, then sooner or later, you realise that it`ll affect your relationship with other people. Yes, my AFFECT & EFFECT theory. & as for me, I`ve had damaging relationships due to my attitude & behaviour & I am thankul, so very grateful, that those days are finally over.

Looking back at all the mistakes I have ever done to those who have loved me, I come to a conclusion that if having things turn out the way i wanted them to, there's a measure of a successful life, then some would say I`m a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life`s disappointment.

Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that everyday won`t be sunny, and when you find yourself lost in darkness and despair, remember, it’s only in the black of night that you can see the stars, and those stars will lead you back home. So don`t be afraid to make mistakes. To stumble. To fall. Because most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most.

Change yourself for the better & let go of whatever that needs to be. Maybe you will get everything you wish for. Maybe you will get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination (:

I endlessly pray that God will give me guidance & always lead me & my loved ones onto His path.

In the silence, words come easy

I can tell u now just how simple it's been, to let u in

Don't move, this mood is a painting

We'll never find the same thing

Okaye, time to hit the sack! (: Goodnight & don`t let the bedbugs bite (:

nazirSSSSSSS & fitSSSSSSS

LNs & LFs, please wait for at least 10 freaking more years. & in the meantime, Fit, please keep things in control, thank you. arghhhhhh.

elevation

I`m grinning like a Cheshire cat. Yesterday was one helluva wicked night, I tell you. All the waaaaaaaay till 0530. Hyperventilation at its peak. HAHAHAHAHA. It`s mindblowing how his love & just EVERYTHING about him NEVER fail to put me on a pedestal. Mind, body & soul, he`s got all of me.

down where it`s wetter

There you are, standing right in front of me,
There you are, standing right in front of me,
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close, cause I need you to guide me to safety


Thank God my ears, or rather, my right ear, is STILL intact ;)

On another note, i can`t wait for HSM2. HAHAHAHAHA.

sunshine

I long for your touch, the smell that reminds me of you, and yesterday; the point in time where it stood still and love harbored our hearts for a single moment.

(:

object of my affection

He was playing with a cat in the carpark while I sat on his bike, & for some reason, I saw such vulnerability & sorrow in him, in his eyes. Something I`ve never quite seen, but such tenderness in his face made my heart skip so many beats. & then it hit me hard what exactly he was upset about & I must say I`m pretty disappointed in myself.

& when we met again at night, I sensed that glint of sorrow yet again. I just wished I could do something. ANYTHING. But meeting, if only for an hour, beats not meeting at all. We`ve both got different commitment. Compromise & accommodate. My life no longer revolves around family & friends. There`s school. & now, him. & being physically away from each other upsets me as much as it upsets him.

School begins on 02 July for me. 15 months, all out. This is something I`ve ALWAYS wanted to do. & to clinch that LSE Bachelor of Science with First Class Honours in 3 years time is of utmost importance to me right now. That`s when my priority list changes. But if something or someone makes it to the list, then there`s no doubt that he/she is of utmost significance to me, no matter what position in the list.

& then fulfil my dream to fly for 2 years. Come back, get a stable job ministry of finance or something, work work work, study some more for Masters, InsyaAllah & then the much awaited 6 years would be over by then, I`m waiting patiently. love you. & the best thing? I know my parents are behind me supporting my every decision, ALL THE WAY (:

mmhm.

What`s the story, morning glory?

When I was in a relationship with my ex bfs, I used to be agitated & brushed them aside each time they mentioned something about being insecured. I couldn`t understand what they meant & why they felt that way. & well, I simply thought they were just being foolish & out to annoy me. It happened with all my ex bfs & the ones I were seriously dating.

But NOW, after so long, I finally comprehend how & what they must have felt because this very moment, i AM experiencing it. & it sure isn`t a good feeling. I know being insecured, plagued by self-doubt just ruins a relationship little by little, in time. I have my reasons. But am I really entitled to feel this way?

I`m afraid my heart`s trembling now. That`s the truth, whether I like it or not. But my mind`s still enduring it all, telling myself to block such negativity. No pessimism. People are bound to linger & distract me, distract him, distract us. But if our bond`s strong enough, are we really gonna allow this to break us apart & bring us down?

Somehow, last night, I knew something was wrong, he`s keeping something from me. I swear his eyes were screaming to tell me something. There`s just SOMETHING. & the vibes he gave me, there`s just something that needed to be sorted out. & it didn`t help that he was unwell. I went to bed with such sucky feelings & now as I lie awake, the leftover is creeping in, settling down slowly down the pit of my wasted heart.

One thing`s darn sure. I need to rid this insecurities out of the windows of my heart before it ruins an almost perfect relationship. Now. Pronto. There`s no way I`m giving up on my faith & hope in us.

& I don`t quite care about what a certain someone says about me, about us.

On another note, when I read my trackmate, Farah`s latest entry on her LJ, I felt her. Each & every single word if it. From first love to insecurities to trying to build urself up again. Here`s a shoutout to Mag, Farah & Dila, u girls take care & hang in there, train hard!

I miss my track days with them, always full of laughter & love.

seitirucesni

One more time you feel THAT way, ur friends are gonna kill you, Fit. Coz they know that you know the truth, you know the darn truth, hence there`s no need for that nasty feeling to embrace you. But truth hurts. Whatever.

Paranoia is creeping in, too. ohmyyyyyyyyyyyy :((((((

object of my affection

Love has given me wings, so I must fly.

the greatest love of all

Dad looked at & then talked to me. His eyes seemed weary, yet I sensed the unconditional love he has for me. The way he spoke nicely to me, how he patted my head & how he told me not to make the same mistake again. I`ve always been closer to him than my mother. I see myself in him. My temper, the way I think & react towards certain things, the way I speak. & letting him down means shattering his every hope. I don`t ever wanna do that. I chanced upon our old photo albums the other time, & it`s already proven that I have been close to him since young. In almost ALL the pics, I would be with him, holding his hands, hugging him, sitting on his lap, being the one he piggybacks & carries. It`s always been me & him.

When he left for work, it was Mum. She spoke to me just fine, occasionally raising her voice. I was all ears. I was listening & clinging to her every word intently. Her words hit me hard. No they weren`t hurtful words. They were words which made me think. Words which weighed so much truth. Somehow, I felt like I was in her thoughts, I was allowed to be IN her mind. She revealed her very vulnerable side to me yesterday. & i finally conceived how much I must have disappointed her as well. The entire thing was brief, but so very deep & meaningful.

It bothers me alot each time I argue with my parents. Simply coz we SELDOM or rather, RARELY, argue. So once in a while, when it happens, I get really upset. I understand that misunderstandings are bound to happen between children & parents, but I`ve always believed that such undesirable situations can be avoided.

Well, things are good now. Everything is sorted out. I cried so badly in my prayers & well, let`s just say whatever happened really hit me hard. Sometimes, certain things happen, & only then you realise that you may have the greatest friends, all the wealth in the world & the most wondrous boyfriend or husband, but at the end of the day, the greatest love & the greatest gift from God to you, are your parents. & sometimes we are too drowned in our angst & feistiness that it slips our mind. We tend to think that we can have EVERYTHING in this world, but truth is, without our parents` blessings, it`s as good as having NOTHING.

Take a moment to ponder.

Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. they move on. they move away. the moments that used to define them -- a mother's approval, a father's nod -- are coverd by moments of their own accomplishments. it is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories and all their accomplishments sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives." - the five people you meet in heaven by mitch albom

We cannot destroy kindred: our chains stretch a little sometimes, but they never break. ~Marquise de Sévigné

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللٌّهِ (ص): مَنْ أَرْضَى وَالِدَيْهِ فَقَدْ أَرْضَى اللٌّهَ وَ مَنْ أََسْخَطَ وَالِدَيْهِ فَقَدَ أَسْخَطَ اللٌّهَ.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him and his family) said: “One who pleases his parents has verily pleased Allah, and one who has angered his parents has verily angered Allah.”

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللٌّهِ (ص): مَنْ أَصبَحَ مُطِيعاً لِلٌّهِ فِي الْواَلِدَينِ أَصبَحَ لَهُ بَابَانِ مَفْتُوحَانِ مِنَ الْجَنَّةِ وَ إِنْ كَانَ وَاحِداً فَوَاحِداً.
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him and his family) said: “One, who follows the orders of Allah with regards to obeying parents, shall have two doors of Paradise opened up for him. And if there happens to be only one parent, one door of Paradise shall open up for him.”

May we always be led onto His path. InsyaAllah. May He shelter us from the humiliating fire of Hell, and help us to always remember His favours. Help us to be always thankful to Him, and be humble unto Him, for He alone is the Sustainer, the Almighty.

it`s not always rainbows & butterflies

I hate it when they take EVERYTHING away from me when I only did SOMETHING wrong & they even take the things that aren`t even related to my one mistake. Dammit, i`m 19 this year. As much as I love them, & as much as they allow certain things, & as much as I rarely have conflicts with them, I think it`s about time they comprehend that I`m no longer that little girl. It`s about time. It seriously is.

enchantment

And it`s that feeling I get every time his face comes into view. The way my body tingles as he touches my skin. It`s the way he loves me, it`s how he loves me. It`s just him, anyone else but him would be completely wrong. He is my little piece of heaven, my place in the stars.

Finally I have found a place into which I fit perfectly, safely and securely with no doubts, no fears, no sadness, no tears. This place is filled with happiness and laughter, yet it is spacious enough to allow me the freedom to move around, to live my life and to be myself. This wonderful place, which I never believed really existed, I have found finally, in his arms, in his heart, in his love.

something infallible

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull.

So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by.

No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

Moving on, we almost lost each other yesterday & I swear I never ever wanna have that feeling EVER AGAIN. There is ALWAYS room for forgiveness & compromise. & it`s all about throwing that ego out of the darn window & learning from mistakes.

When it concerns someone you truly love, it`s all worth the pain & the tears, especially when things only get better & the bond becomes stronger. It`s your unlimited power to care and to love for that special someone that can make the biggest difference in the quality of your life.

Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.

- Timothy Bentley

Tolerance and celebration of individual differences is the fire that fuels lasting love.

- Tom Hannah

I don`t know what this is anymore. This isn`t just attraction. Isn`t just love on the surface. This is devotion AND unconditional love AND so much more.

cry me an ocean

Yesterday was like one super duper bad day. I`m too lazy to elaborate. One after another. But I cried a river before I slept.

I`m down with fever AGAIN. & he doesn`t know, but i`m not telling. it`s just fever & he`s got too many things on his mind to deal with. & my nose is just darn annoying, i sound soooooooo nasal & i`m praying hard he won`t call or he`ll know. i so badly wanna go down to Taka today but I swear my body`s just so darn weak. dhksdjksdksajd

i need to sleep.

that thing I do

HAHAHA. I pissed him off when I told him we can only meet next week. BUT, no. I`m dropping by Taka in a while to surprise him, since he has some show going on there. HAHAHAHAHA. Just how do I live not meeting my other half, you tell me :D

is anyone listening?

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretence is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn`t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing... Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can`t help but talk about. Some things we just don`t want to hear, and some things we say because we can`t be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say. They`re what you do. Some things you say because you have no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.

No matter how hard we try to ignore or deny it, eventually the lies fall away, like it or not. But here's the truth about the truth. It hurts. So we lie.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we`re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we`re thankful for the things we`ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

I love how this song hits me hard. In every single way.

Sometimes the things I say

In moments of disarray

Succumbing to the games we play

To make sure that it's real.

Stay here together

And we could

Conquer the world

If we could

Say that forever

Is more than just a word.

As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. - Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie